Things I Never Thought
I never thought I would live without you…
but I do.
I never thought I would spend a holiday alone…
but I have.
I never thought I would celebrate life’s joys alone…
but I will.
I don’t know what I am supposed to learn from all this…
but I keep searching.
There must be something…
I just need to find it
~ Linda, October 1, 2013
As I write this, I am facing another holiday weekend (alone)… ugh. That probably sounds a bit cynical, but I really don’t feel guilty about saying it. It’s honest, and I am sure there are a lot of other people on this path who completely understand. Let me explain.
The first year after Bruce died, I didn’t “do” the holidays. I ignored them, even if it meant escaping somewhere to get away from the world’s excitement. It may sound silly, but I couldn’t face the holidays so I ran away. What made it so hard? Bruce and I had finally adjusted to our own new, “empty nest” traditions. That was a hard transition for both of us… family had always been the center of our holidays and celebrations. When he died so unexpected, I couldn’t handle anything else… I couldn’t rethink new traditions and the old ones didn’t fit anymore, so I gave myself permission to NOT participate… I wasn’t ready.
Last year, I celebrated most of the holidays with my kids or other family. It was hard without Bruce but I managed to smile, and I did find joy somewhere in each one. I say “most” because life happens and there have been a few celebrations that I spent alone, such as Bruce’s and my birthdays, a promotion at work and some smaller holidays. Spending those days alone is hard no matter how much you try to remain positive… even when you understand why you are alone. This holiday weekend is another one that finds me alone… and struggling with my emotions.
I did manage to pull out a couple of Easter decorations for the foyer so if someone peeks inside it at least appears festive. But that is as far as I went… no baskets or eggs. Okay… I admit (with some guilt) to buying a box of Peeps and a bag of Easter corn because they are my favorites. : )
For me, the trick seems to be trying to navigate the world’s excitement while at the same time trying to balance my own emotions and loneliness. I try to tell myself that it’s just a day, but I can’t lie. It’s a harder struggle than I would have ever imagined. I want to be excited, but about what? There is no family around, no traditions to share, no one to laugh with or talk to… the weekend ahead seems more daunting than promising.
I wish with all my heart Bruce was still here beside me, but I know that will never be again… not in this lifetime. I would especially love to talk to my grandmothers. I ache for their wisdom and advice… How did they do this? One of my grandmothers spent over 40 years on her own and the other one outlived her husband by more than 20 years. How did they survive this? Where did they find the strength? Did they hurt like this, too? I would give anything to know… to listen and to learn from them.
I wish I had answers this week but I don’t. However, I would like to share one thing that I will do this holiday weekend. It is my own new tradition that allows me to still include Bruce in every holiday and every celebration. (I did not make this up myself… It is someone else’s idea that I found somewhere, but I love it, I have used it, and I want to share it.)
I use a frame filled with pictures of Bruce and I together and place 6 candles in front of it. Then, I read the following, lighting the candles as I go:
We/I light 6 candles in honor of you.
1. This candle represents our/my grief. The pain of losing you is intense. It is a reminder of the depth of our/my love for you.
2. This candle represents our/my courage – to confront our/my sorrow, to comfort each other and to change our/my lives.
3. This candle is in your memory – the times we laughed, the times we cried, the times we were angry with each other, the silly things we did and the caring and joy you gave us/me.
4. This candle is the light of love. Day by day we/I cherish the special place in our/my hearts that will always be reserved for you. Thank you for the gift your life brought to each of us/me.
5. This candle is the light of hope. It reminds us/me of love and memories of you that are ours/mine forever.
6. This candle is the light of eternity – for the day when we /I will see you again, in all God’s glory. We will be together again. We will have healthy, whole bodies and can explore the wonders of heaven together.
May the light of the Lord be our source of hopefulness now and forever.I love you, Babe… Amen.
This week I have only shared my thoughts and experiences – there is no real insight or direction. Because this is OUR community, please feel free to share your thoughts and experiences, too. I know I would LOVE to hear how others have handled their holidays. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note.
Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.
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