Lost
Time passes,
But I am lost… more now than ever before.
I am on my own.
They are tired.
They don’t want to hear.
They don’t want to know… not anymore
So now I am completely alone… in the dark;
No idea where to turn,
So I turn inward…
I am not allowed to do anything else.
Listen – don’t talk.
Smile – don’t cry.
Those are the expectations.
There is nothing left for me.
No one cares…
why should I?
Linda, September 2, 2014
This week I am taking a chance. Those who have never been on this path may be offended… Please know that is not my purpose or intention. Those who are on this path will know exactly what I am talking about. My goal is to be honest… I simply want to bring this feeling of loneliness out into the open. Otherwise, we can never hope to understand or change it.
Have you ever felt it?… That feeling that you don’t belong? Do you remember ever going somewhere, only to find once you get there, you don’t know ANYONE?
For some people that is not a big deal… It is a challenge and they thrive on it. For others (like myself), it is a HUGE struggle just to maintain composure… The idea of smiling, nodding and making small talk with people – well, that is a whole other ordeal.
I remember reading in several “grief and mourning” books about relationships and how they would change. The books said to expect it. I dreaded it because I already knew what it is like to lose friends just when you need them the most. When I divorced years ago, I lost many friends. People just disappeared from my life. Some left for religious reasons, others because they didn’t want to get involved or “pick sides.” Most puzzling were those that never said a word… They just quietly slipped out of my life.
I could not imagine the same thing happening with a death. Isn’t that when everyone is supposed to support you? Love you? Be there for you?… Well, there ARE those who do exactly that. (I thank God everyday for those people!) But the books were right… there have been a lot of people who have chosen to walk away or just stand silently in the shadows and watch.
I was corresponding with someone dear who recently lost her husband, and I think she put it best, “Until one is there (grieving), the realization of what that means just doesn’t equate…or maybe it is something wives don’t want to know can happen.” I think she may be right… it is as good a theory as any other.
Whatever the reason, the result for the griever is the same – another loss. I already felt so abandoned. Now I was beginning to feel like I didn’t belong anywhere. I still have many days when I feel like I don’t belong… I wonder why I am still here when I feel so completely alone.
I remember in the first few days and weeks after Bruce passed, people called or sent messages that were heartfelt – filled with love and kindness. I have moved several times through the years so friends from far away responded, telling me not to worry… they were coming; they would be here for me. Since I had lived here only a short time, I looked forward to that… I needed them… but they never came. Life moved on and over time, I came to realize it was another quiet retreat from my life.
As time passed, I held on tightly to my friends and family who chose to “be there”… those who have stuck by my side and loved me in spite of myself. I have even made new friends who understand grief and the heartache involved. These people are my lifeline. Their patience and understanding, their ability to just be with me when I am struggling, their love, support and non-judgement… all of these things are a gift and blessing beyond words.
That feeling of not belonging anywhere, though… that feeling lies within me. So many days deep inside, I still feel so lost and alone. I try to understand that most couples don’t feel comfortable with me… I am no longer part of a couple. Single people aren’t real sure what to do with me… I still act married. With families, I feel like the spinster aunt who doesn’t quite fit in but everyone feels obliged to invite. Keep in mind – this is not what anyone says to me.
It is what I seem to say to myself.
Even now at the two year point, I find that I isolate myself because I hate that feeling of being out of place. I have great friends surrounding me these days. So many times they invite me to go somewhere with their family or significant other. Sometimes I go, but more often I decline because I don’t want to be that 5th wheel or tag-along.
In the beginning, some people did avoid me… But now the tables are turned and I am the one doing the avoiding. Now I feel like an intrusion… like I am in the way. I miss having my own life with Bruce. So I try to hold everything in, but that results in me withdrawing further into myself.
My kids who are grown and gone with families and lives of their own are absolutely wonderful. They have been my greatest support. I couldn’t ask for more – they call and reach out to me daily. But even here, the problem is me. I have a hard time acccepting the fact that they are taking care of me emotionally. I am their mother… That’s not their job and I don’t know how to accept that.
This week I have really struggled with this one. I found myself just sitting… wondering why in the world I am still here without Bruce. What is the point? The more I sat and thought about it, the more I spiraled down… the more lost and alone I felt.
I even found myself dwelling on something someone said to me last week. They told me that I have no value – there is nothing special about me. But as I sat there thinking about it, I realized how wrong they are… as down as I may get, I don’t believe that at all. I know I have value… I know I still have a purpose. Coming to that realization, I began to pull myself out of my funk and back into the world. I reached out and found people who were willing to offer the love and support I needed in that moment.
I know these feelings will come again down the road. So, how do I handle this loneliness… these feelings that I don’t belong?
* Well for starters, I know I need to reach out to the people I trust when I am low… BEFORE I spiral down too far. I know I can be honest with those people. I can tell them how I feel or what I may need in that moment. They don’t judge me… they listen and show me that they care.
* Other days I know that “being there” for someone else helps me take my mind off myself… even if it is only temporary.
* And last but not least, I try to be understanding and remember that until it happened to me, I wasn’t very good at dealing with death and grief either. Each of us are doing the best we can… No one can ask for more than that.
This topic is still a day-to-day struggle for me. I do not pretend to have all the answers. I am merely sharing my experiences as they are. Because this is OUR community, please feel free to share your thoughts and experiences, too. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note.
Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.
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