Tag: can’t go back

Peace, Love, and Grief –What is “Healing”?

What do you think of when I talk about “healing”, specifically “healing from grief or loss”?

For me, I think I have always thought of healing from grief in the context of once again being that person I was before Bruce died. From that first moment when I started looking for ways to “heal”, I know I was looking for several things… a way to make the hurting stop… a way to go back to being the positive, trusting person I had been before… a way to go back to thinking my life was “charmed” (with Bruce)… a way to once again trust the path life had laid out before me.

Up until the moment he died, I really thought I had finally found my “happily ever after”. I thought I had already “paid my dues” in my first marriage. I thought the rest of my life would be spent side-by-side with this man who was the absolute love of my life… But… I was wrong.

That path ended abruptly one Friday night, and suddenly, I found myself at a complete loss as to how to move on… I wasn’t even sure I wanted to move on. It was like I had suddenly gone from a life filled with sunshine and rainbows to a life of total darkness. There didn’t seem to be even an inkling of light to help me find where to take the next step. I felt completely hopeless, and it was terrifying.

For years, I have done all kinds of things in search of a way to “heal” from his death. I have read books, watched videos, gone to counseling, threw myself into creative projects (such as painting, gardening, and writing), committed my full energy into my work (both at home and professionally), and the list goes on.
At this point, I honestly can’t say if I was trying to move forward or just trying to avoid feeling the pain… or (most likely) a little bit of both. I can say that even after many years, I still hurt and I didn’t feel “healed” at all.

This last year, though, I have found myself learning how to be more mindful about where I am focused, which has truly helped more than anything else I have done. Then, this week, I read an article in a Lenten booklet that talked about reimagining healing… That was a completely new concept to me… Something I had never thought about… And while the article wasn’t specifically talking about healing from grief, it definitely hit that mark with me.

After reading it, I have felt challenged to add another layer to the way I am approaching this grief journey… And this layer is about changing how I think about “healing”. Let’s be honest, none of us will ever be able to go back to being that person we were before our loved one died (or whatever event has created our grief).

Instead, for me, I need to find ways to flourish right where I am… right now. I need to stop trying to go backwards or recover some illusion that no longer exists. Instead, I need to work on opening my mind to a new idea of what my life… my healed life… can look like… I know it sounds corny, but I need to find a way to really and truly “bloom here I have been planted”.

Anything else will simply always leave me feeling un-whole and unhealed. However, if I can find ways to shift my mind-set – to look for ways that encompass peace and joy in my life as it is right now – that is healing. In fact, this week I realized that those moments when I am able to do just that are also the ones where I feel Bruce’s love still all around me… and that is also healing.

“Healing, in its deepest expression, is a reimagining of what it means to be whole and healthy…” ~ Rev. Ken Daigle, Release and Reimagine: Lent 2026, I Reimagine Healing
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Grief is a daily challenge that changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone.

I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.

Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog; for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… You Can’t Go Back

Come home…
Come home and hold me.
I am lost without you, my other half.
I search for you…
In the darkness,
In each room,
In each dream,
In each corner of my soul.
Please…
Come home.
~ Linda, November 2013

I wrote this poem 11 months after Bruce passed away. At the time, it was all I could think about. I wanted Bruce back. I wanted our life back. Day and night I prayed to wake up from the nightmare that had become my reality… But I never “woke up”… and Bruce never came back home. This was my life, and this was going to always be my life.

One would think that with time, those feelings would pass. I would eventually reconcile myself to “what is”… But I haven’t. Even now, several years later, I want him back… Each journal begins “Dear Bruce…” as if it is a long letter about my day to day happenings. Each day, I write to tell him how much I miss him and still love him… And I still ask him to “come home.” Each entry written as if one day he will read it… but I am well aware – he won’t.

This week as I scrolled through Face Book looking at what my friends and family around the world have been up to, I found myself looking at quite a few anniversary posts. I hate to admit it, but those are a struggle for me. It is a struggle because while I am truly happy for them, I find I am very sad for me… And a little jealous… (Embarrassing but true.)

These things just seem to stir up a miriad of questions for me. Things I don’t undertand and probably never will. Why did Bruce have to die? Why couldn’t we have grown old together? Why couldn’t we celebrate more anniversaries together? Why us?

So while it may sound crazy, here I am 3.5 years later still wishing I could wake up… still wishing this had never happened … still wishing I could go back in time… but knowing this is my reality… And a bit embarrassed to admit I still haven’t accepted it.

I know I’m not alone in my thoughts, though. I have talked to so many other widows and most of them will admit to the same thing. Why, then, are we too embarrassed to speak up? While I can’t talk for everyone, I know a big part of my hesitation comes from the culture around me.

I have found that most people want to help, but at the same time, most people don’t understand what I am going through. They mean well… They want to say the “right thing” and their hearts are in the right place… But the tendency throughout this ordeal has been to throw cliches in my direction…

“He’s in a better place.”
“He led a full life.”
“God has a reason.”
“God needed another angel.”
“Be strong. Don’t cry. Keep a stiff upper lip.”
” Praise God. Celebrate that he has gone on to a better place.”
“At least you can date and marry again.”
“This is just what was meant to be. All things must pass”
“Good thing you are strong enough to handle this.”
“The living must go on.”
“Get a hold of yourself. God will never give you more than you can handle.”
“Just give it time. If your faith is real, you will be okay.”
… and the list goes on and on

Here is the thing about cliches… they SUCK! They may sound good but they have absolutely nothing to do with reality.

If you have never experienced a deep loss such as that of a spouse or child, knowing what to say can be a struggle. As a culture, we want to say something that sounds encouraging. Since the cliches we have heard throughout our lives sound like wise advice, they will often come into play.

The interesting thing is I have never heard any of these cliches from other widows or widowers. Why? Because knowing and understanding the pain of grief requires first hand experience… and they have that. In fact, now I have that too… although I still wish I didn’t. With first hand experience, comes the knowledge that there are no “right words.” Just “being there” and showing you care means so much more than words could ever accomplish.

In the past, whenever I dared to mention that I wished I could go back in time or I wished Bruce were still here and those cliches were the answer, I would get angry or frustrated. Now, as time has passed, even though they bring no comfort, I’m learning to be okay with it. Now, I’m able to understand that their hearts are in the right place. So even if the words are terrible, I can be thankful for a heart that wants to help.

Nowadays, I want people to understand I will be okay… but “being okay” includes grieving the loss of “what was.” That pain will always be with me in some form or another. However, when the cliches come my way now, my response sounds more like a quote from The Grief Recovery Handbook by John James & Russell Friedman – “Grief is about a broken heart, not a broken brain.” Please, don’t feel like you need to fix me… just be with me a while.

As for me, while I wish otherwise, I really do know I can’t go back in time… I know Bruce is gone… I also know my life is moving forward… one small step at a time. I think Rob Bell sums it all up when he says…

“You don’t go back when it comes to suffering… You go through.”

And that is my plan each day… to be thankful for what was, acknowledge what is and accept my feelings as they present themselves… as I move through my grief and take the next step on my path…

I love the quiet before the world wakes up.
The stillness in the air
As if the entire world were holding its breath in anticipation
Of what this new day will bring.
~ Linda, September, 2013

What about you? Did you or have you struggled with accepting your loss? How did you come to terms with it? Or do you still need support in that area? Would you be willing to share your story or your thoughts?

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.