For the past several months, I have been on a “good” streak emotionally. I have missed Bruce, but I felt in control of my grief and the emotions that come with that. I think it has been the longest, good streak I have had since he died. Honestly, I have been kind of proud of myself, because the past 11 months have held a lot of challenges – deaths, family illnesses and injuries, job loss, career changes, relationship struggles, and the list goes on. In other words, life has happened, and I have maneuvered through it pretty well.
Some days I have found myself, wishing more than anything that Bruce was still here… To find my way through these obstacles without him is hard. Therapy has helped, as I have written about before, and I am pretty sure it is the reason this good streak lasted as long as it did…
Yes, … “did”… as in “past tense”…
I don’t know why things have hit me differently this week, but they have. I mean, there are always challenges and triggers, but this week, I have just felt them more… I have hurt more… I have cried more… and I have missed Bruce more. This has been one of those weeks where all I want to do is sit in my favorite chair and either cry or stare at nothing as time ticks by. (Thankfully, I had therapy this week, so I can say that I have managed this wave of grief far better than in the past… So, there’s that.)
Anyway, since the whole point of this blog is to be honest about my journey, that is what I am struggling to do today… And since I am still in the middle of this one, it really is a struggle to write anything at all.
I wish I understood triggers and the massive waves of grief that come with them. I wish I had a black and white answer for moving past them. Being a “list” person, I wish there were a list of things to do, and the grief would magically be gone… But none of that exists. Instead, I need to fight my way back out of this one.
The strange part is my triggers this week actually had more to do with the manipulation and abuse in my first marriage. Those triggers leave me feeling vulnerable and drained… When Bruce and I were first married, the kids and I had a lot of healing to do… and Bruce… kind, gentle, loving Bruce was there for us. He never shied away or acted like it wasn’t his problem. Instead, he painstakingly loved us through it – one hard moment at a time.
This week, I have missed that so much. Back then, when the emotions grew to be too much or a nightmare from past events woke me up, he would gently take me in his arms and simply hold me. He didn’t try to talk me out of my emotions or memories. He simply held me until I felt safe again… I miss that… I miss that a lot.
And that’s where I am today… I don’t want to go out. I don’t want to be social. I don’t want to talk to anyone. I don’t want to eat. I don’t want to think… I am overwhelmed with all those old emotions of being “not worthy” and “not enough”, while also wishing beyond anything else that I could feel Bruce’s arms holding me. Instead, the tears keep flowing, and I am struggling to even breathe.
I don’t want to end this message on that note, but if I am going to be honest, this is where I am emotionally today. At the same time, I also know all of those things that happened, and all these emotions that have been triggered, they are from the past… That past is no longer my world. I survived that and got out… and married a man who always showed me I am worthy, and I am enough.
So… I know it will get better, and with any luck at all, I will wake up tomorrow feeling a little bit stronger and little bit better… And until then, I will simply be patient with myself.
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Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.
Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.
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