Humans are built to be relational – with others… and with ourselves. We do this through… wait for it… Yep, relationships… So, what is a relationship?
I was asked this question yesterday, and honestly, I struggled at first to answer… Did they want a dictionary definition? Did they want a distinction between good and bad relationships? Then, they simply repeated the question and waited… What is a relationship?
I finally responded by describing my relationship with Bruce… This relationship was so completely different from all the others in my life at that time. Ours was the first one that I knew without a doubt was completely without conditions – unconditional love… What a gift!!
As most other people I knew growing up, our home was an authoritarian one. My father was “in charge” … And my mother and our religion backed him – always… and the goal that was always presented (at home and at church) was perfection… While we knew we could never achieve perfection, we were to strive for it anyway – at all times and in all things.
(Before I go any further, please know I am not saying this in anger. It is simply what was… It was a different time with different cultural expectations. I sincerely believe that each person was doing what they thought was best with the knowledge and experience they possessed – nothing more, nothing less.)
Needless to say, though, I failed miserably at this pursuit and was well aware of my failures in this realm even as a toddler. For me, as a result, I spent most of my life trying to convince others that I was worthy of being loved by trying to be whatever I thought they wanted me to be… which only led to more feelings of failure because who could love me, when I didn’t feel it was safe to love myself and show anyone who I really was.
Over time, it became a cycle of screwing up (failing), jumping back on the “perfection” train and trying again, only to fail again… and again… and again. Why? Because perfection is an ideological myth. Perfection is defined by the person doing the judging, which means the needle is always moving… and how do you live a life like that?
What if, instead, we were to realize that the Divine has created each of us and sees us as His/Her whole and perfect creation? What if we really took it to heart that God created and declared that we are good simply because we are His/Her creation?
That was what I experienced with Bruce. That was the relationship that changed my entire world.
After my divorce, my Momma told me that she was praying that I would find someone who could love me with the love of Jesus – but with skin on… In other words, someone who understood that we are simply to relate to each other with the love of the Christ – a fully conscious decision to accept someone’s differences, personality, quirks, and all that makes them who they are. How close we grow with that person depends on how we relate to each other, but judgements and grandiose expectations are not needed.
In answer to her prayers, Bruce entered my world, and that is exactly what he offered me… A relationship without judgement… a relationship that allowed – no, supported and encouraged – me to simply be me. I could pursue my dreams. I could make my mistakes. I could determine the path I wanted to follow… In other words, I could live my life – not one someone else envisioned for me… And through it all, Bruce constantly reiterated his support and love… Whenever I asked if there was something more he needed from me (something I had always been taught to do, especially as a woman), the answer was always the same…
“Just love me,” he would say with a smile. “That’s all… just keep loving me.”
In that moment, I knew… Bruce and I saw each other at our best and at our worst… and it didn’t matter. Love is love and that really was the only requirement in the relationship.
What an amazing feeling! To know without a doubt that I was lovable as me – nothing more was needed – “perfection” be damned. I was enough… I was worthy as I was… and Bruce loved me just as the Divine created me.
That my friends, is a relationship… That was my answer to the question… And that, I believe, is how we are called to love each other.
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Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.
Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.
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