This week, while talking to Bruce’s parents, the conversation (naturally) moved to Bruce and all that entails – how much we love him and how much we miss him… And for me, I always thank them for gift of this wonderful man they raised to be so kind and loving. As we talked, the tears were streaming down my face, and there were moments when none of us could even form words – so thick was our shared grief.
For me, it didn’t stop there. I was still crying as I crawled into bed. And before turning out the lights, I whispered to Bruce, “I still miss you, Babe… I still love you… I don’t know how to stop.”
When I woke up the next morning, I was better, but I found myself thinking about something that I have read many times. There is a notion making the rounds that for people who are grieving, it can be hard to let the grief go, because our grief often feels like one of the last connections we have to our loved ones. That is quite the statement, (feels a bit judgy) and I’m not sure how I feel about that… I can’t say it is completely wrong, but I don’t know that it is completely right either.
For me, if I am honest with myself, I suppose there is some truth to this statement. I don’t know how to not grieve the loss of Bruce. Over the years, I have learned how to compartmentalize it and put it aside as needed… At least, most of the time. However, it isn’t quite as simple as the statement above…
It isn’t a matter of being my “last connection” to Bruce, although in many ways, I guess it is the way I connect to him… But it is a little bit different than that. You see, it isn’t that I refuse to let go… It is more about the triggers that occur when I think about him or want to share something with him or when I hear “our song” or any other number of things… Then the tears start and my heart shatters all over again. Then, if I let myself think about this particular logic, there is added guilty for my emotions, and I question what is behind my grief.
That’s not fair and it isn’t helpful.
We all have permission to fall apart sometimes (as needed) … No guilt… No judgement… No need to analyze the “why” unless we want to – no one else. It isn’t their place (period).
Here is the part I hope each of us remembers when these waves of grief hit us…
• Falling apart is allowed.
• Grief is hard.
• To survive grief, we are warriors – fierce and strong.
Don’t ever let anyone else tell you otherwise, and do not give them the power to tell you how and/or when to grieve… This is your journey – not theirs. Keep doing whatever it is that you need to do in those moments. That is how we heal… That is how we continue to live.
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Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone.
I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.
Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.
Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*
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