Back in May, I attended a week-long spiritual academy. While it was my 2nd time attending this particular retreat, it was the first time since Covid shut us all down in 2020, and boy-o-boy, was I ready. I am pretty sure I wrote about it when I came back because the ideas and spiritual challenges that occur there are like balm for my soul.
During the week, the speakers brought up a theory on life which says that life goes in cycles of Orientation, Disorientation, and New Orientation. Truthfully, I have heard this before from other authors I have read, but there was something about hearing it, discussing it, and writing about it that brought it to life and made it real for me.
Just like all of us, I have gone through this cycle so many times in this lifetime… And that week in May brought a lot of those memories, emotions, and feelings of despair back to the surface. However, it also provided a framework that helps me to understand the healing and positive change that also emerges from the ashes – kind of like the legendary phoenix.
Today, as I was contemplating all of this, I found myself grateful to currently be in an Orientation phase. At the same time, there are several people I know and love that are smack dab in the middle of the Disorientation phase… And I know just how hard and lonely that spot can feel.
Here’s the thing, though, sometimes, our Orientation, while it is our current ‘normal’ isn’t always a good space. It is simply a space we are accustomed to – like choosing to stick with the elephant in the room rather than risk the one unknown.
I know that for me, that is exactly where I was right before I left my first marriage. As I have said before, things were bad – physically, emotionally, financially… and the list goes on. (I’m sure you get the picture.) I had been raised to stick with it – see my commitment through… Pray more, love more, be more. Yet, no matter how much I prayed… or loved… or tried to be the “perfect wife”, it was an impossible goal. No matter what I (or the kids) did the bar was always moving according to his momentary whims.
For a long time, I thought I was protecting my children and doing the right thing by staying… until I just couldn’t do it any more… And we left. It took 3 years for things to be finalized, and just as attorneys will warn you, things escalated and got significantly worse during that time. Most days, the ‘Disorientation’ of those years felt like more than I could bear. Every time I felt like I could catch my breath, the rug was pulled back out from under me again.
Truly, if it weren’t for the love I have for my kids and my determination to (finally) get them out of that situation, I don’t know if I would have survived it… In other words, if it had only been about me, I don’t know that I would have made it through. But we did…
Then, by the grace of God, Bruce (literally) sailed into our lives and opened the door to a world we had never experienced before. For me, the love he offered was something I had never been experienced before… Here was this giant of a man, who was gentle and caring. He encouraged me to simply be me – not some version of me that he expected.
It was a New Orientation that I couldn’t have ever imagined.
Growing up in the deep south and under religious theology that said I was ‘less than’ simply because I am a woman, I had never known a relationship that offered me such autonomy… I kept my own name. I had my own bank account. We did our own laundry, bought our own groceries, and cooked our own meals. We were two healthy, individuals who shared a home filled with love and respect for each other as humans… with neither of us trying to hold power over the other one.
This kind of love and respect led to deep heartfelt discussions, intense emotional bonding and caring, and a friendship so strong that I had never experienced anything like it. For the first time in my life, I was loved and encouraged to just be me… all of me… even when it was uncomfortable and hard. That is the unconditional love I had always heard about, but at the time (as a 40+ year old woman), I didn’t think such a thing existed.
Then, a few short years later, I woke up in the middle of the night to find Bruce struggling to breathe. It felt like hours, but it was only seconds, before I called 911 and started CPR. The EMTs arrived within minutes and took over… But, as I watched in shock, that line on the machine never moved… He was gone…
And my world fell apart. This Disorientation was stronger and deeper than anything I had ever experienced… It felt like a bottomless pit, and the downward fall was endless.
That first year or two is still a blur. Not just the shock of that night and the reality of his death, but the way my entire world suddenly stopped and changed directions was more than I could handle. In the middle of all that pain and with no place to turn, I quickly returned to that old mindset of “not enough” … And I stayed there for a long time.
This New Orientation was not a good one, and I couldn’t see an end to the pain. I began to think that this was how it would always be going forward.
This part of my journey was where I struggled then… and where I still have some struggles now. This is the stuff that, to this day, still makes my heart hurt. At the same time, I have learned through the past few years that I can either let myself get stuck there, and let it this be my Orientation… Or I can remember what we had together… What he offered me in terms of unconditional love… Then, with those memories held tight, I can pick up the pieces of my heart and pull myself back together.
Bruce showed me that I am stronger than I was ever taught to believe. Being “me” is a good thing… a healthy thing… and something I should never sacrifice to please someone else. He also showed me how to offer that same kind of love to those around me… Not the kind that says ‘yes’ to everything and everyone whether or not I should. Instead, he showed me the kind of love that says ‘yes’ or ‘no’ out of respect to all and in accordance to my own values. In other words, the kind of love that allows me to consider my own self-respect… my own boundaries before I respond – truthfully and honestly.
So… time has passed and that New Orientation has simply become my current Orientation. I still hate that Bruce is gone… That part makes my heart hurt… However, that is just a part of this space.
Will there be more Disorientation in my future? Of course… That is just the way life is.
The difference now, though, is in my grounding… My understanding of who I am and standing strong in that knowledge. I will always be eternally grateful to Bruce for his legacy of unconditional love and respect that he shared with me. Because of him, I am able to hold my head up… and smile… and love… while also believing that he is probably kind of proud of who I am becoming… because of him.
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Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone.
I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.
Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.
Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*
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