First, I need to apologize. I couldn’t write last week… Physically – yes, I could have… Emotionally – no, I could not. Even this week, it is still a struggle to write about what I am feeling these last few weeks.
Second, I want to thank all of the people who have been by my side, taking turns calling me daily to check in while offering me more love and support than I could ever repay. Thank you!
So… What has me so emotional? Two weeks ago, I observed the ten-year anniversary of Bruce’s death…
A decade! How has it been a whole decade… It’s so hard to believe. One would think after 10 years, I would be able to manage my emotions fairly well. Shoot, even I thought that, but I was wrong. I am told this is because it is a “milestone” … Whatever the reason, I have really struggled. This day has proven to be just as hard as that first year, and I feel silly to admit it… but it is what it is, and I have always striven to be honest here.
Last week, I couldn’t write… It was all too much… my emotions too raw. Even today, I’m not really sure what to write. So, I hope you will indulge me as I simply share several of the items I journaled that week.
I miss you
And my heart is breaking…
Again.
I miss you
And the tears are falling…
Again
I miss you
And I’m all alone…
Again.
~ Linda, 2023
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Bruce was sent to me,
Like the perfect gift –
Full of love and kindness.
Always gentle –
Like a balm for my broken soul.
Then, like a cruel joke,
He was ripped away –
Torn from my life.
My world is gone.
My heart is shattered.
My life feels broken.
How do I go on from here?
Will I ever know joy again?
Will I ever be at peace?
Or will I always move forward cautiously –
Feeling abandoned and alone?
~ Linda, 2023
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I just want to curl up into a ball.
I want to pull a blanket up over my head
And pretend the whole world
And this F***ing reality don’t exist.
I just want this pain to stop…
Please, God… just make it stop!
~ Linda, 2023
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My heart is so sad…
So heavy…
So broken…
I still don’t understand.
How can you be gone?
Why did you leave me?
The tears won’t stop.
The pain won’t stop.
I just want you.
~ Linda, 2023
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I woke up crying.
The sun isn’t up
And my heart is already breaking into 1000 pieces.
I wonder if this day will ever come and go
Without all this pain?
Probably not…
Not until the day when I am there with you.
~ Linda, 2023
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No… I’m not okay.
Each morning, I wake up
And my heart breaks all over again.
A million tiny pieces,
And I don’t know how to put it back together.
I miss him so much…
So, no… I’m not okay.
~ Linda, 2023
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Hi Babe,
I miss you so much this morning. I woke up crying. I seem to get it under control, but 2 – 3 breaths later, I am crying again. I have things planned for today. Things I want to do to honor and remember you. But right now, all I want to do is sit here… in my PJs… in my favorite chair… with my tea and my “comfort” blanket… looking around our home – remembering so many good times… so many precious memories.
Ten years… ten damn years… and it still hurts as bad as at the beginning.
I love this place… the memories here. (sigh) I can’t imagine ever leaving and not being here. I feel you here, and that really does bring me some comfort. Maybe it is just my emotions or the idea that I want to feel you and so I do. It doesn’t matter. It gives me a space of peace and comfort, especially on days like today – days where the grief is so absolute, I struggle to see a way forward.
You came into my life at a time when I had been beaten down so low. I was convinced love was a myth – a fairy tale – not anything real or lasting. Then, you (literally) sailed into my life, and your love lifted me back up and showed me what love and joy really were. You taught me to believe in myself. You gave me acceptance and unconditional love – only ever asking that I love you back – so simple… so wonderful… so complete.
Then, in a breath, in a moment, you were gone. And I continue pushing myself to keep moving forward – to not fall back into that low place that came before you… That is my struggle.
Some days I do better than others. Most days, I actually do pretty good. I have learned to laugh and smile again. (That took a while.) I have learned that it’s okay to enjoy life and the love of those around me, even though you are gone. But… then… there are the days (like today) when I can’t avoid staring your loss in the face… where the memories of our last days together remind me that it is the ordinary moments I miss the most… Where the shock of your death and my failure to save you fill my mind and leave me struggling in a darkness that won’t let me go…
I miss you, Babe… I know… ten years. I should be doing better, but I can’t stop loving you. There isn’t a switch to turn off. Instead, there is all this love with no place to go. And so… I sit here… crying… still praying that this is not real, even when I know it is.
I love you, Babe – Always and Forever!
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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone… and at certain times of the year, (like now), it can be just a little bit harder. I don’t think any of us chose this path, but this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined. Each time I think I have it all figured out; I find I don’t at all, despite the years since Bruce passed. Life is filled with challenges for all of us. For me, my goal is to look at this year before me and (intentionally) hold onto the joy and the hope life holds.
Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.
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