This week, while scrolling through social media, a meme about grief came across my feed. I wasn’t surprised. I get them all the time and they definitely fit within my algorithm. While some are simply “meh”, many offer a thought or inspiration that seem to validate my experience or fill a gap that I am struggling with. This particular one, though, really bothered me – mainly because it feeds into a misconception that many people have.
The meme was a giant teardrop with the title, “The Tasks of Grief”. Then, it listed them as:
T = To accept the reality of the loss
E= Experience the pain of the loss
A = Adjust to the new environment without the lost person
R = Reinvest in the new reality
Now… are all of those items true? Of course. That isn’t my conundrum. To explain myself, let me go way back to the beginning of this journey…
Let me start by explaining that I am a “list person”. I love my lists – grocery lists, task lists, bucket list, places to go list, books to read list… In other words, you name it, and I can usually make it into a list – nice, neat, orderly, organized… That is my happy space. In fact, if I do something that isn’t on the list, I will add it to the list, just to check it off.
So, when Bruce, died, I went on a hunt for a “how to heal from grief” list. Surely there had to be one – a nice, neat list that once completed would result in the pain of grief being gone and my world feeling right again.
In case you don’t already know, there is no such list.
Why? Well after 12+ years, I can tell that there are several reasons. One is that no one grieves the same as anyone else. Even if you are both grieving the same person, it will be different. Your relationship with that person and how they impacted your life will be different than anyone else, so, of course, your grief will be different, too.
However, that is the simple answer… When I read that years ago, I thought, “Of course, but I just want a basic list – some steps to follow.”
That is absolutely impossible, though. However, it is a truth born out of experience – not any book or video or blog that one can read. As we know (now), grief is not linear… It is not a straightforward path.
I’ve heard people describe it as a roller coaster ride with all of the ups and downs, but for my experience, even that is too tame of a description.
I think the best way to describe it is to liken it to a fine necklace that has someone ended up in knots. You know it is all one long chain, built link by link. Yet, it is all tangle – going in all directions, (up, down, forward, backward, and twisted like a corkscrew) and seemingly all at once. We know we can’t simply pull it apart”. Yet, finding the links you need to loosen on the chain so that you can unwind all the twisty bits can feel nearly impossible.
Like that chain, the emotions and pain of grief are not so easy to untangle either since day by day, moment by moment, you have no idea where they will lead. One day you might feel like going on and taking even one more breath is impossible, and the next, you are laughing or smiling and thinking, “I think I’m going to be okay”… Until you aren’t… again.
It took me a while to figure it out, but I learned…
Grief is not kind. It is a beast with sharp fangs.
Grief is not rational. It is a tornado of overwhelming emotions.
Grief is not linear. It is path that could give any maze a run for its money.
Grief has no timeline. It takes as long as it takes.
Thus, there is no list that is true for everyone all the time. Yet so many people think there is… or there should be. I think that is why this meme bugged me. Had I seen it at the beginning, I would have thought that I should “do” each of those things and in that order… Do it, check it off, and move on.
However, while that sounds like it would have been easier, these are actually just “milestones” – not tasks. And just like any other milestone in life, no one expects everyone to do them all or in the exact same order. Instead, we know that each person will make their individual choices, which will allow them to accomplish the milestones meant for them at the right time for them.
So, for me, the lesson becomes one of letting go… Letting go of expectations and checklists for this particular journey. It is about opening my heart to both the feelings and emotions of grieve, as well as the lessons it has shown me. It isn’t about stopping the grief, so much as learning how to process that grief moment by moment and learning how to make whatever adjustments are necessary to take the next breath or (even better) the next step.
I don’t know where each of you are on your own journey. However, I do hope you are doing what you can to take care of you… Ignoring well-intentioned “advice” that isn’t helpful and, instead, holding onto those things that bring you a moment of peace and maybe even some forward movement.
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Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.
Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.
Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you. Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*
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