Life, the Universe, God… Whatever term you use or believe is fine… Whatever it is has a wicked sense of humor at times… Last week, I wrote about the importance of self-care, especially when grieving. I really thought I had learned a valuable lesson… Had figured out another piece of the puzzle – something that counted as a step forward… And then this week happened. (SMH)
Within hours of last week’s posting, I received a call about my son. Without going into too much detail about a story that is his (not mine)… He had fallen, was being admitted into the hospital, and would be needing surgery. As a mother, my world stopped. Even when your kids are adults, you never stop being their mother. You never stop wanting to be able to “kiss it and make it better”.
But life isn’t that way, is it?
So, I spent the next several days with him in the hospital… waiting… waiting for his body to be ready for the procedure, waiting for an available O.R. – just waiting. After several days, he managed to get through all of that, and was finally discharged… And now, (because he needs a little bit of help for a few weeks), he is here. (Poor guy!)
So, what about the self-care? … Well… I am afraid that has been lost somewhere between still working full-time and acting as nurse. However, that is no one’s fault, and it is my own choice… And, honestly, I really don’t mind… My point, though, is that every time I think I have “life” figured out (or even just a piece of it), something happens, and I am reminded that I really have no idea.
It was the same when Bruce died… He and I had a great life. We were in love. We were happy. We were at peace with our little part of the world… We were content. Just hours before he died, we sat at the dinner table talking about our weekend plans… Should we go kayaking or just chill at the beach? We still hadn’t decided when we went to bed laughing, with me snuggled up and laying in his arms with my head resting on his chest – just listening to him breathe.
We thought we had our lives figured out… But life thought differently… Life had different plans…
I have thought about that a lot this week… About how we can never really figure things out completely. Life just isn’t that way… And I don’t think it is supposed to be. Instead, life really is a journey… a great adventure with everything that any great adventure would entail…. And all any of us can really do is whatever is our best in that moment… nothing more… And whatever that is will be okay.
So that is my goal over these next several weeks or so… to just do what I can and accept what I can’t… And even more so – to be grateful for this time and what it will bring.
I say it every week… Loss is hard, and the grief left in its wake is even harder. But this is a journey where I am continuously learning – mostly about myself… what I think about life, faith, and love. I still hate that losing Bruce is how I got here, though. After all, I didn’t ask to be here. As the years pass, I can honestly say that there are more good days than bad as I learn those things that bring a little bit of healing each day. Although, I still find myself wishing for a world where Bruce is here beside me. So, I will continue to allow myself the space I need to heal and process this life without him. Thankfully, at this point in my journey, I am learning that I am not alone – thanks to you!
In fact, none of us need to be alone, because we have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing and helps us to process that avalanche of emotions that grief brings us. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.
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