Tag: counting down

Peace, Love, and Grief… Excited About Life

One of this week’s journal prompts asked the question, “When was the last time you were excited about life? (Beside yourself in anticipation)” When I first read the prompt, I interpreted “excited about life” as being equal to happiness. This seemed pretty simple – pretty easy. In fact, just last weekend, I celebrated Mother’s Day (early) with a few of my kids by spending the day at Universal. We always have such a blast together, and it was so much fun! (The only way it could have been better is if we all could have been there.) I was so happy…

But… is that the same as “excited about life”? I don’t think so… I remember a time when I was truly excited about life… There was a time when I couldn’t wait to see what the next moment held – when thoughts of tomorrow were filled with hope and wonder. I remember when I couldn’t wait to wake up in the morning, or when the promise of a day off was the best thing ever!

I remember all of that… The thing is I haven’t felt any of that since Bruce died. Shoot! It took me years just to learn how to let go and feel any kind of happiness again.

I could almost guarantee you that my family and friends were getting concerned that would never happen. However, thanks to them, it did… And more thanks to them, those happy times have become more and more frequent over time.

But “excited about life”?? … I’m not so sure about that.

When Bruce and I first met, I couldn’t wait for the next email, or text, or (even better) phone call. It made life exciting. My heart was over-flowing in anticipation. Then, there were our visits… We took turns flying back and forth every other week between MI and SC. I lived for those weekends together… He and I kept a running count-down between visits of how long until our next visit.

After we were married, that anticipation didn’t stop – although, the circumstances changed. Suddenly, there was no more counting the days… I only needed to count the hours. If Bruce got home from work first, he would always greet me at the door with a glass of my favorite wine. If I beat Bruce home from work, I would run/skip to the door, because I was so excited to see him. Then, that poor man had to drop everything, because I was coming in fast for a “welcome home” hug.

Also, because of working different shifts through the years, there were many times when we only had one day off together each week… Talk about a count-down. As soon as one day together ended, we were intent on planning the next one. We both lived for those days.

But then, Bruce died… And all of that ended…

After that, one day looked pretty much like the next… and the one after that – wake up, work out, go to work, come home, eat dinner, and go to bed… day after day. Weekends were a little different. Instead of going to work, I worked on stuff here at home… But in reality, pretty much the same.

I’ve written about it before… The hope was gone… The anticipation or excitement of life was completely and totally gone. In fact, at the beginning, I couldn’t even find the ability to be happy – anything more was an impossibility.

Things change, though… I know this. I did finally learn how to let myself be happy again, and I love those moments in my life. But, I had to work to get there. It wasn’t just a matter of time. I had to give myself permission to be happy. Then, I had to choose to be happy. That may sound silly , if you have never been there, but it was hard, intentional work! Between the grief, guilt, and sadness, finding happiness and allowing myself to feel it – I mean, really feel it – took time and great effort.

So… since I know happiness is possible, I have to assume that being excited about life, maybe even being beside myself in anticipation, must also be possible. All I have to do is believe… and work for it.
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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. Learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. This year, my goal is to simply ‘be’… Be me, be kind, be compassionate, be loving, be hopeful… to just ‘BE’ and to be comfortable with that… however it looks.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love, and Grief… When the Rules Change

“I understand. I do. I’m a widow, too. It’s hard to lose the person you thought would always be with you… It’s like your life has become some sort of game where they changed all the rules in the middle. But it’s not the end.” ~ Karen White, The Sound of Glass

As I sit here this afternoon, I find myself thinking about Bruce and what he would be doing today…

One of two things – either we would be sitting on the beach enjoying the surf, blue skies, and sunshine, or he would have just returned from the gym, opened a beer, turned on the TV, and sat down to enjoy some sports before starting the grill for dinner.

Either way, I find myself smiling through the tears as I think back to a time when I thought we still had forever in front of us. I knew what we had was precious – something that doesn’t come along every day. I just had no idea that our time together would be so short.

“I thought we had forever…
I never knew we were counting down
from the day we met.”
~ Linda, Sept 2013

I don’t care how much time passes, I still find myself either missing him so much it takes my breath away or forgetting that he is actually gone and wanting to tell him whatever good or bad news I am dealing with.

Either way, in the end, I find myself frustrated and with tears in my eyes. I don’t think I will ever understand why this was our destiny…

I mean, it’s not something on my mind 24/7 like in the beginning, but when I am alone and thinking about the way things turned out… (scratch that) the way things are, I am bewildered by how much it still hurts and how much I still miss him.

I really just assumed we would grow old together… I think we both did. I can’t tell you how many times we would laugh about shenanigans we planned to instigate if we were ever put into a home or all of the plans to cruise the Caribbean and see the world from the bow of a boat… our boat… our future… a future that will never happened.

Instead, the rules got changed. Heck, I feel like the whole game got changed… Somehow, I landed in the middle of this “game”, and I have no idea how to play, what the “rules” are, or even what the goal is.

For someone (like me) who likes things organized – neat and clean with a bow on top, a list person who finds security in knowing what is expected and how to get there – this change is hard. (Shoot! Choosing to ignore the GPS’ directions is about as impulsive and daring as I get. LOL!) I like lists. I like order, I like a schedule. I like to know not only what is coming next, but when to expect it. (Let me just say that grief is not real compatible with that attitude.)

I smile when I tell you this, because Bruce always encouraged me to let go (just a little) … To realize that life will still go on (and be just fine) even if it deviates from my expectations. And because he never pushed me too far – just baby steps (and always with a smile of encouragement), I was learning to do just that. To take chances and let life be what it is… And I was learning to enjoy that ride… To learn that life can be fun even if it is unpredictable.

Then, he was gone, and I didn’t know how to keep doing that. Suddenly, that unpredictable part seemed awful and daunting. In the years since his death, I have often found myself going back to my comfort zone where things are predictable and orderly.

However, life isn’t that way. Life is constantly changing course and changing the rules on all of us – not just me. Some people adapt easier than others (such as myself), but that doesn’t mean I can’t do this… I can… I will… And in my heart, I know Bruce is smiling and saying, “You’ve got this, babe. You’ve got this.”

Loss is hard, and grief is even harder. I have learned a lot on this journey – mostly about myself… what I think about life, faith, and love. I still hate it, but I can honestly say that there are more good days than bad. Admittedly, I still constantly find myself wishing for a world where Bruce is here beside me. So, I will continue to allow myself the space I need to heal and process this life without him. Thankfully, at this point in my journey, I am learning that I am not alone – thanks to you!

In fact, none of us need to be alone, because we have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing and helps us to process that avalanche of emotions that grief brings us. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.