One of this week’s journal prompts asked the question, “When was the last time you were excited about life? (Beside yourself in anticipation)” When I first read the prompt, I interpreted “excited about life” as being equal to happiness. This seemed pretty simple – pretty easy. In fact, just last weekend, I celebrated Mother’s Day (early) with a few of my kids by spending the day at Universal. We always have such a blast together, and it was so much fun! (The only way it could have been better is if we all could have been there.) I was so happy…
But… is that the same as “excited about life”? I don’t think so… I remember a time when I was truly excited about life… There was a time when I couldn’t wait to see what the next moment held – when thoughts of tomorrow were filled with hope and wonder. I remember when I couldn’t wait to wake up in the morning, or when the promise of a day off was the best thing ever!
I remember all of that… The thing is I haven’t felt any of that since Bruce died. Shoot! It took me years just to learn how to let go and feel any kind of happiness again.
I could almost guarantee you that my family and friends were getting concerned that would never happen. However, thanks to them, it did… And more thanks to them, those happy times have become more and more frequent over time.
But “excited about life”?? … I’m not so sure about that.
When Bruce and I first met, I couldn’t wait for the next email, or text, or (even better) phone call. It made life exciting. My heart was over-flowing in anticipation. Then, there were our visits… We took turns flying back and forth every other week between MI and SC. I lived for those weekends together… He and I kept a running count-down between visits of how long until our next visit.
After we were married, that anticipation didn’t stop – although, the circumstances changed. Suddenly, there was no more counting the days… I only needed to count the hours. If Bruce got home from work first, he would always greet me at the door with a glass of my favorite wine. If I beat Bruce home from work, I would run/skip to the door, because I was so excited to see him. Then, that poor man had to drop everything, because I was coming in fast for a “welcome home” hug.
Also, because of working different shifts through the years, there were many times when we only had one day off together each week… Talk about a count-down. As soon as one day together ended, we were intent on planning the next one. We both lived for those days.
But then, Bruce died… And all of that ended…
After that, one day looked pretty much like the next… and the one after that – wake up, work out, go to work, come home, eat dinner, and go to bed… day after day. Weekends were a little different. Instead of going to work, I worked on stuff here at home… But in reality, pretty much the same.
I’ve written about it before… The hope was gone… The anticipation or excitement of life was completely and totally gone. In fact, at the beginning, I couldn’t even find the ability to be happy – anything more was an impossibility.
Things change, though… I know this. I did finally learn how to let myself be happy again, and I love those moments in my life. But, I had to work to get there. It wasn’t just a matter of time. I had to give myself permission to be happy. Then, I had to choose to be happy. That may sound silly , if you have never been there, but it was hard, intentional work! Between the grief, guilt, and sadness, finding happiness and allowing myself to feel it – I mean, really feel it – took time and great effort.
So… since I know happiness is possible, I have to assume that being excited about life, maybe even being beside myself in anticipation, must also be possible. All I have to do is believe… and work for it.
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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. Learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. This year, my goal is to simply ‘be’… Be me, be kind, be compassionate, be loving, be hopeful… to just ‘BE’ and to be comfortable with that… however it looks.
Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.
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