I am a firm believer that when we come to this earth, we each have a purpose… a reason for being here… And to accomplish that purpose, there are lessons we must learn along the way. I also believe that if we don’t “get” the lesson when it is presented to us, that same lesson will keep reappearing over and over and over… until we do. These lessons happen throughout our lifetime, because we need them to achieve our purpose… and we are here until that purpose is achieved.
That being said, I will honestly say that there are some lessons I have not learned the first time around… or the second… of the third. There are some lessons that I have struggled with, but this week, I think I broke a hole in that barrier… and I can’t stop smiling.
I have shared before that my first marriage was one of chaos and domestic violence. I have also shared that I was diagnosed with PTSD after I left, and just recently began undergoing an intense (kinda weird) therapy for it. It is a therapy called EMDR, and it involves reprocessing past traumas so that you can move forward in a healthy way.
First of all, let me be honest that my first marriage was not the cause of all of my trauma to date. We all have traumatic events throughout our lifetime. I am no different than any of you, in that regard. However, I never processed them in a healthy way, so they have continued to affect my life in an unhealthy way. As we began this therapy, it became apparent that Bruce dying in my arms was probably the one event that was the most traumatic for me, and hence, the first one I tackled first many months ago.
To begin the EMDR, my therapist had me list several traumatic events that I have struggled with through the years – some from childhood, some from my 1st marriage, and some from my recent past. Then, we have been tackling one at a time. With each one, I give her a summary of the event. Then, we discuss how I felt (and still feel) when I think about that event. It didn’t take long to find a pattern… Consistently, I was left feeling either powerless in the event or that I “wasn’t enough” and so I “deserved” it in a way. (I believe that sounds like a lesson I may have missed somewhere.)
Now let me change gears a little bit… (I will pull it all together in a moment – you’ll see.)
I recently started a new job. I was excited. The job was doing what I love to do. The salary and benefits were fine… and the person I interviewed with seemed full of energy and excitement. I was pumped!
However, there were red flags from day one. I saw them. I even noted them in my journal. However, I chose to ignore them. I told myself that I had spent 17 years in one place. I was just used to things being a certain way. I needed to give it time.
However, as time passed, those red flags got bigger and bigger. Promises that were made to me when I was offered the position disappeared almost immediately. Then, I began to notice how other people were also being treated. (Not by the company as a whole, just one person… one person with power.) There was no respect. Many times, this person would say that they wanted to make the employees feel bad. (I couldn’t even wrap my brain around it.) People’s thoughts and opinions were dismissed like dust into a trash bin. Unreasonable demands were made, and the discomfort in the office was palatable.
Then, I started being asked to do things that go completely against my core values. (I’m not saying this was a bad company. It was one person who was not a good fit for me.) I know it sounds silly, but I swear I could feel my soul slowly withering away day by day. It reached a point where I was sick in the morning before driving in and cried all the way home.
I was feeling completely powerless. (Sound familiar?) Yet, I was not even recognizing it for what it was… I was simply accepting it.
Last month, I came across a quote, “One cannot live a healthy life in an unhealthy environment.” (I wish I could remember where I found it or who said it, but I can’t. I simply copied it onto a sticky note and stuck it to my monitor in my home office, where I could see it daily. That quote become my mantra and my inspiration… and I realized that I could not stay here and be a healthy person. I did not need to give it time… I needed to leave.
So, I started a new job search. Quietly, I reached out to friends… I started networking and applying again… I couldn’t help but feel like Bruce would be proud of me. Instead of staying and feeling powerless, I was doing something about it. I was doing something for me that was healthy… I was taking steps to change my world for the better.
And this past week the offer I was seeking came, and I accepted. I will be working for someone I know… A true leader… Someone with integrity and a respect for her employees. So, my next step was to give my two weeks’ notice, which I did the following day…
It did not go well…
That same person became angry… not a little bit angry… I mean really angry. I was stunned. I felt myself going back to my old behavior of trying make myself smaller and just “taking it”. That feeling of being powerless, once again, took hold. This person started telling me how they were going to treat me over the next two weeks and ended it with, “I will make sure these last two weeks are hell.” And that was it… The Zoom call was over. I was left stunned… and shaken… and crying… until I looked over and read “One cannot live a healthy life in an unhealthy environment.”
And I sat up in my chair a little bit straighter… Then, I remembered the last several EMDR sessions where we have reprocessed so many events (similar to this one) where I felt powerless. Yet in the reprocessing, I had taken back my power… And that is exactly what I decided to do.
First, I reached out to HR, but they were busy and said they could talk to me next week. Then, I spent the rest of that day and into the night, creating folders and organizing information that my co-workers would need. I wrote a summary of the conversation that had just happened while it was still fresh in my mind. Then, I wrote three letters: One letter was to my peers simply saying that life sometimes takes a turn that we aren’t expecting, and while I was sorry not to say a proper goodbye, I thanked them for all they mean to me. The second was to HR to give a quick report of what happened and my personal contact information if they want to discuss anything further. Then finally, my actual letter of resignation… which now said, “effective immediately”. You see, in Florida, I am not required to give two weeks’ notice. I was simply trying to do the right thing. I also don’t need to stop that person’s behavior – that is theirs to own… At the same time, I don’t have to simply “take it”, because I am not powerless after all!
I finally found the courage to master that lesson that has been presented to me over and over and over. I am not responsible for someone else’s behavior, nor do I need to absorb their emotions. I don’t have to “take it”. I don’t have to respond or react to it. I can simply… walk away… with my head held high and my emotions in check.
… And that is what I did… I finally found the courage for the lesson in front of me…
No, it isn’t a big, grand story to anyone but me. Yet, I know this is a lesson I have been trying to learn for most of my life… This is what Bruce was always trying to help me see in myself… (I think he would be so proud of me.) … This is the lesson I needed to learn so that I can take that next healthy step on this journey.
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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.
Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.
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