So many times, I heard (or read) the analogy that life is like a kaleidoscope… Each new twist brings a new perspective… A different way of looking at the same things… the things that make up our lives. That being said, grief has to have been the one thing that not only twisted the kaleidoscope but shook it up to the point that life as I knew it became unrecognizable.
“The death of a spouse or partner is different than other losses, in the sense that it literally changes every single think in your world going forward. When your spouse dies, the way you eat changes. The way you watch TV changes. Your friend circle changes (or disappears entirely). Your family dynamic/life changes (or disappears entirely). Your financial status changes. Your job situation changes. It effects your self-worth. Your self-esteem. Your confidence. Your rhythms. The way you breathe. Your mentality. Your brain function. (Ever heard the term ‘widow brain’? If you don’t know what that is, count yourself as very lucky.) Your physical body. Your hobbies and interests. Your sense of security. Your sense of humor. Your sense of womanhood, or manhood. EVERY. SINGLE. THING. CHANGES. You are handed a new life that you never asked for and that you don’t particularly want. It is the hardest, most gut-wrenching, horrific. Life-altering of things to live with.” ~ Kelley Lynn, My Husband is Not a Rainbow
I’ve never read anything more true! Everything in my life is so different than it used to be. In the beginning, I was so resistant to those changes. In fact, it took me almost a year to move anything of his – his clothes, his shoes, his books, even his reading glasses. I walked the rooms of this house just searching for anything that might indicate he wasn’t really gone… but he was. And eventually, I had to accept that.
It took a while, but I got there… I finally accepted that he was gone, and no matter how hard I wished and prayed otherwise, he wasn’t coming home… I was alone. Thankfully, I have some great friends and family who helped me go through things a little at a time… They were patient and didn’t push or rush me. They just kept telling me to do it my own time and at my own pace. (Thank God for those people.)
“Let yourself grieve. When something ends, it’s worthwhile to notice its passing, to sit in the space and look at the pieces before you head out.” ~ Sarah Bessey, Out of Sorts
Of course, time has moved on. Now, I can change and move things without feeling guilty or feeling like I am pushing him aside… I don’t want my home to be a museum. I want it to be a space filled with love, precious memories, and life as it happens now. However, it wasn’t an easy road to get here, and I would still put it all back if it meant I could have Bruce back, too.
This week, I was blessed to dream about Bruce two times. The first time I dreamed that he was sick, and I was taking care of him. In my dream, he just kept smiling and telling me that he loved me. I woke up smiling… It has been a long time since I heard those words and his voice… I knew it was only a dream, but it felt so real… and those few moments in my sleep felt absolutely priceless. (Honestly, all I wanted to do was to go back to sleep and see if that dream would come back.)
The second time I dreamed of him, it was just a normal day… just life… and the two of us. As I lay there, halfway between being asleep and being awake, I found myself wondering which was the dream? Was Bruce fine, and I had only had a bad dream that he had died? Or was Bruce gone, and I had only dreamed everything was fine?
I got my answer once I was fully awake… Sometimes that is the hardest… To not fully remember. Then when I do wake up, I grieve his loss all over again. Yet, at the same time, I love, love, love those dreams. I would rather have those dreams every single night and feel like I was able to spend a few precious moments with him, even if it means I will grieve and hurt when I wake up, than to not have those moments at all… For me, that would be worse.
Today while I was having my nails done, my nail tech noticed my wedding ring. “I don’t see that one very often,” she said.
“No,” I replied. “I don’t always wear it… It’s my wedding ring. I usually only wear it when I am really missing him.” Then the tears started, so I stopped talking. She gently squeezed my hand and said, “He was pretty special, wasn’t he?” And I just nodded… I couldn’t talk… there were no words for all the feelings rushing into my heart.
In that moment, I also realized that my kaleidoscope has been twisting back and forth a lot lately, and it has been throwing me off balance. But as I sit here and process everything, I know it’s okay… and I’m okay… I’m just missing him… that’s all.
I have said it before – this is not an easy path for any of us. It is not a path I ever saw myself on, and you probably didn’t either. I don’t think any of us wants to be here, but this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. This journey is filled with challenges I never imagined. Each time I think I have it figured out, I find I don’t at all. Honestly, none of us ever know from one day to the next, or one moment to the next, when another wave of grief will hit or what will be the next trigger, and that can make this journey feel so completely baffling and hard to navigate.
Thankfully, I know I am not alone. We are here for each other and, it is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.
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