First of all, I want to apologize. I missed last week. My daughter and grandson were moving to their new home, and we were crazy busy… Then, I came back home, and it is so quiet. It feels weird trying to readjust to being here alone… again. I have had music playing (a lot) to fill the quiet… and it seems that one song keeps playing over and over – Josh Grobam’s To Where You Are. I love that song… If I could say anything to Bruce at this point, I think that song would sum it up…
“Who can say for certain
Maybe you’re still here.
I feel you all around me.
Your memories so clear.” **
Hmmm… I still miss him…
I read something last week that said, “Mourning is what we do on the outside, but grief is what we do on the inside.” I have to agree… I might even go so far as to say, “Mourning has its season, but grief, well, that’s forever.” I say that because I smile, and I enjoy life, but my heart? Well… That part still hurts… That part still wishes this to be only a nightmare… And soon I will wake up, and he will be sleeping right beside me. Then, he will pull me close, and I will snuggle into his arms… safe… and loved…
(Yes, I know that isn’t really going to happen, but how I wish it would!)
Recently, my book club just finished reading Barbara Brown Taylor’s book, Learning to Walk in the Dark. Each chapter is about a different experience she has had in the dark, and the spiritual lesson she has taken away from it. In the epilogue, she brings it all together when she says that the book is mainly about living with loss… all different kinds of loss. But loss is loss, and where there is loss, there is also a certain amount of grief. She explains that living with loss “is tough enough in any place or time, but it is especially difficult in a culture that works so hard to look the other way.” Then she goes on to say, “The suffering comes from our reluctance to learn to walk in the dark… to become more curious about your own darkness.”
This week I have had a lot of time to think on this… to become “curious” about my own walk in the dark…
I can’t say I’ve had any great epiphanies except that we all find ourselves walking in the dark at some point. (That’s just life.) … And we all have to figure it out… At the very least, we have to find a way to be comfortable when we are there… Because the bottom line is you have day without night or light without dark… or life without death…
I hate this “walk in the dark”… this grief journey that seems to have no end… At the same time, it is because of this “walk in the dark” that I have become more of who I am… I have learned to sit with myself. I have learned to dig deep and listen… But the reason I have been able to do this at all is because of Bruce, himself… Because he taught me how…
“As my heart holds you
Just one beat away,
I cherish all you gave me
Every day…” **
And in all honestly, as for me, I’m not sure I could have learned this lesson any other way…
Thank you, Babe!
To listen to the song in its entirety, click the link below.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PXnKt3Wclzo&ab_channel=JoshGroban-Topic
I miss Bruce. I hate that he is gone. He changed my world and continues to do so every day. I have come to learn that this walk in the dark has had a lesson built into every step and every breath. Thank you for the opportunity to share those with you. For all of us, it is easy to feel like this journey is nothing more than a very lonely path, especially since it is so different for each of us. Yet, our love for those we have lost is something we all share. Sharing our stories is important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.
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** “To Where You Are” is a song performed by American singer, Josh Groban, on his 2001 self-titled debut album. It was written by Richard Marx and Linda Thompson and produced by Richard Marx.
