Tag: darkness

Peace, Love and Grief… This is Grief

First of all, I want to apologize. I missed last week. My daughter and grandson were moving to their new home, and we were crazy busy… Then, I came back home, and it is so quiet. It feels weird trying to readjust to being here alone… again. I have had music playing (a lot) to fill the quiet… and it seems that one song keeps playing over and over – Josh Grobam’s To Where You Are. I love that song… If I could say anything to Bruce at this point, I think that song would sum it up…

“Who can say for certain
Maybe you’re still here.
I feel you all around me.
Your memories so clear.” **

Hmmm… I still miss him…

I read something last week that said, “Mourning is what we do on the outside, but grief is what we do on the inside.” I have to agree… I might even go so far as to say, “Mourning has its season, but grief, well, that’s forever.” I say that because I smile, and I enjoy life, but my heart? Well… That part still hurts… That part still wishes this to be only a nightmare… And soon I will wake up, and he will be sleeping right beside me. Then, he will pull me close, and I will snuggle into his arms… safe… and loved…

(Yes, I know that isn’t really going to happen, but how I wish it would!)

Recently, my book club just finished reading Barbara Brown Taylor’s book, Learning to Walk in the Dark. Each chapter is about a different experience she has had in the dark, and the spiritual lesson she has taken away from it. In the epilogue, she brings it all together when she says that the book is mainly about living with loss… all different kinds of loss. But loss is loss, and where there is loss, there is also a certain amount of grief. She explains that living with loss “is tough enough in any place or time, but it is especially difficult in a culture that works so hard to look the other way.” Then she goes on to say, “The suffering comes from our reluctance to learn to walk in the dark… to become more curious about your own darkness.”

This week I have had a lot of time to think on this… to become “curious” about my own walk in the dark…

I can’t say I’ve had any great epiphanies except that we all find ourselves walking in the dark at some point. (That’s just life.) … And we all have to figure it out… At the very least, we have to find a way to be comfortable when we are there… Because the bottom line is you have day without night or light without dark… or life without death…

I hate this “walk in the dark”… this grief journey that seems to have no end… At the same time, it is because of this “walk in the dark” that I have become more of who I am… I have learned to sit with myself. I have learned to dig deep and listen… But the reason I have been able to do this at all is because of Bruce, himself… Because he taught me how…

“As my heart holds you
Just one beat away,
I cherish all you gave me
Every day…” **

And in all honestly, as for me, I’m not sure I could have learned this lesson any other way…

Thank you, Babe!

To listen to the song in its entirety, click the link below.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PXnKt3Wclzo&ab_channel=JoshGroban-Topic

I miss Bruce. I hate that he is gone. He changed my world and continues to do so every day. I have come to learn that this walk in the dark has had a lesson built into every step and every breath. Thank you for the opportunity to share those with you. For all of us, it is easy to feel like this journey is nothing more than a very lonely path, especially since it is so different for each of us. Yet, our love for those we have lost is something we all share. Sharing our stories is important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

** “To Where You Are” is a song performed by American singer, Josh Groban, on his 2001 self-titled debut album. It was written by Richard Marx and Linda Thompson and produced by Richard Marx.

Peace, Love and Grief… Walking in the Dark

Over the past several weeks, I have been reading Barbara Brown Taylor’s book, Learning to Walk in the Dark. It is a spiritual book about our conviction to assign good with light and bad with dark, whether physical, spiritual, psychologically, etc. In the book, she makes the argument that there is good and bad in both the light and the dark… That to live a full life we not only need to experience both, we need to accept both as neither good nor bad… Instead, each are necessary with their own rhythms, qualities, and comforts. Without one, there is no way to appreciate and fully understand the other.

I love that idea. Sure, I will readily admit that I am the first one to turn on all the lights as the sun goes down. I am sure it is my vain attempt to keep the darkness “out there” while lighting up the world around me. But… is that necessary? And when applied as an analogy, is that the best way to live?

I’m really not here to debate that… In fact, as I write this, while it is the middle of the day, a storm is rolling in and it is dark enough at my table that I have turned on the light above me. But then again, the author didn’t say light was bad either… Her point is to accept both as they are… not to assign qualities that aren’t there.

This week, I have found myself pondering this over and over. In fact, there was one section that I can’t seem to let go…

“To be human is to live by sunlight and moonlight, with anxiety and delight, admitting limits and transcending them, falling down and rising up. To want a life with only half of these things in it is to want half a life, shutting the other half away where it will not interfere with one’s bright fantasies of the way things ought to be.”

~ Barbara Brown Taylor, Learning to Walk in the Dark

This section has had me contemplating my life since Bruce died… I know I have used darkness in many analogies about grief… I suppose that is because it feels true for me. Yet, I am afraid of walking down this path with grief as my lantern. There is a fear of this path that is hard to describe… It is a fear of being alone… and a fear of not being alone… There is the dread of being abandoned, and yet I no longer seem to welcome new friendships with the open arms I once did.

That is when I realized, as scared as I am to be on this path… to walk in the dark… I believe I may be just as scared, if not more so, to get off. I guess, the unknown darkness has become familiar. Or… Perhaps I am terrified of ever going through anything like Bruce’s death ever again. I don’t know that I would survive it a second time.

Yes, I know I will experience more death in the time ahead… That is life and I am getting older, and that just is what it is. However, the idea of opening up enough to let anyone new into my life and then losing them… I can’t do it… I just don’t have enough of whatever that takes. The darkness I felt all around me after Bruce died was blinding… I was numb for so long… unable to feel… not wanting to move… or breathe… just sitting in my darkness and letting it envelope me.

While it has been a few years since I felt that way, I can remember that feeling like it was only this morning, and I don’t want to go back there. There are still days when I must remind myself that life is good, and I am blessed. When I think of Bruce, there are still days when I have to decide whether I am going to remember our time together and smile or think of his death and cry. I’m not trying to be melodramatic; I am just being honest about what this felt like then, and what it still feels like.

It may seem strange, but some of the best comfort I have found over the years comes when I think of my grandfather. We called him, Pop, and he was a huge piece of my life. My father wasn’t around much in my younger years, but my Pop, well… he was always there. They lived behind us, and he always had time for this silly little girl who just wanted to be hugged and held.

I sat by him in church whenever I could finagle it. I loved sitting in his lap on Sunday afternoons… The two of us in his big old chair with my head on his chest – listening to him talk and laugh. The summer I learned to drive, he took me in his car, and we drove around the block… over and over and over… No matter what was going on in my life, I always knew he would be there.

But life wasn’t easy for him; he was a man who had a rough start in life. Both of his parents died when he was younger, and he was sent to live with his aunts. After 7th grade, he had to quit school and go to work to support the family. Yet, as I remember him, he always had a smile. He never backed away from life’s challenges but seemed to meet them head on. And why? To me, it just seemed like he had a faith that knew no bounds. One of his favorite hymns, which seemed to express his faith, was How Great Thou Art…

This week I needed to hear that song… At the time, I didn’t know why. Yet, when I hunted it down and listened, so much seemed clear… I think I simply needed a piece of Pop’s faith… When the words came, “I see the stars, I hear the rolling thunder. Thy power throughs out the universe displayed. Then sings my soul, my Savior God to Thee. How great Thou art, how great Thou art,” * it hit me… Pop had not only learned to walk in the dark, but he also had learned to find the good there… the blessings and comfort that lay quietly within its rhythms.

His faith allowed him to see that even when it was dark, God provided stars to light the way… Even when the thunder rolls, God is near…. Because of his faith, I understood – I am not on this path alone… and grief is not my only light. There is a peace here in the darkness… a peace that, with time, can build in me the courage I need to live fully by sunlight and by moonlight.

* How Great Thou Art, original poem by Carl Gustav Boberg

Grief is challenging. It can feel like the loneliest path at times since it creates a different path for each of us. However, just because our journeys may be different, it doesn’t mean we have to be alone. We can find courage and strength in one another. We can shyly open our hearts to one another and take a chance that we can survive whatever lies ahead. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. * Who knows… your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

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Peace, Love and Grief… More questions than answers

Either you can see God in all things or
you can see God in no things.
~ Fr. Richard Rohr

When we can still see God (use whatever name you choose) in all things, we are better equipped to have hope, see choices and keep trying. It is when we can no longer see or feel God anywhere that we run out of options… and hope. It is a hard place to be. In my job, we sometimes deal with people whose family members have have been there… Unable to see any other option, they chose to end their own lives. It is absolutely heart wrenching to help the surviving family members work through this one piece of the “business” of death. I don’t think I have ever gotten through one of these encounters without crying a few tears myself.

In my own small “world,” I have been pretty sheltered. Whenever I hear of someone who has committed suicide, it has always been an acquaintance – never a close friend or family member. Still, it always makes me pause and cry… both for the family left to grieve and wonder how it ever came to this and for the person whose pain was so deep they felt this was the only choice left.

This week I received word that a classmate from high school died… Even more sad, he had committed suicide. I was shocked when I first heard. In fact, every time I think about it, it still makes me sad. I can’t imagine the depth of his despair…

I know after Bruce died, there were times when I was so sad and low… so completely lonely. I couldn’t imagine spending the rest of my life without him… alone… There were many times when I wondered why I was still here. What purpose did I serve now? My life seemed to be an endless cycle of waking, working, eating and sleeping… Only to do it all over again the next day… alone. It all seemed so pointless.

I can remember saying endless prayers asking God to just let me die, too. After all, I reasoned, no one needed me anyone. I remember begging Bruce to come back and “get me.” I was definitely at the lowest point I have ever been. I believe some of us (especially widows and widowers) have been there at one time or another in our grief. However, the difference is – we are still here… Somehow, we managed to find a way back out of that darkness.

The idea that not everyone is able to find their way out of that darkness is hard to accept.

I have heard some people say it is a “sin,” while others call it “selfish.” I can’t say I agree with either of those views. I don’t believe it is that simple. Besides, both of those ideas are completely unfair. They both blame the victim, and allow the rest of us to wash our hands and walk away with a clean conscience. That’s ridiculous! Why in the world do we feel the need to blame anyone?

Why can’t we admit there may not be an answer to such a tragedy… Why can’t we look at what has occurred, realize we may not have caused it; we may not have been aware of it; and we may not have been able to stop it?

At the same time, maybe we could also take a moment to realize the part we all play in each others’ lives… our responsibility to simply care… to simply be the love and acceptance we all seek from the world around us. Maybe then, through simple gestures of caring, we can make a difference…

What is suicide?
Is it the sudden taking of one’s own life?
Is it that simple?
Is it the slow denial that something is wrong?
Is it depression so deep that you feel your very soul is gone?
Is the real death emotional and the physical act is just the ending punctuation?
Is it a rejection of one’s circumstances?
Or is it because one has been rejected by circumstances?
Is it an ending or a fresh start in a better place?
Is it a choice or does one feel that there is no choice?
Is it a selfish act or a desperate attempt to escape one’s own demons?
Is it a rejection of society or is it a response to society’s rejection?
I do not know the answer… but I have known those feelings.
While we are not responsible for the actions of those around us,
We do have a responsibility to those around us.
We can reach out, hold a hand or give a hug.
We can listen. We can be a friend.
What is suicide?
It is a cry in the darkness…
Are you listening?
~ Linda, September 2013

What about you? Did you or have you struggled with fear after your loss? How did you come to terms with it? Or do you still need support in that area? Would you be willing to share your story or your thoughts?

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.