There are a few things in life, I wouldn’t wish on anyone… Some I used to say in humor to relieve the stress, such as a colicky baby. With other things, I am completely serious… One of the things that I really wouldn’t wish on anyone is the loss of your soulmate.
Dealing with that these last few years has taught me a lot about people, patience with others… and heartbreak. I have also come to realize this time of year for me, from October 31 through January 12, is the hardest. During this time, there are a lot of important dates filled with precious memories.
It is a season where time moves forward whether I am ready or not… I must go from one holiday or momentous occasion to another… It is like being knocked to the ground and before I can get back on my feet, I am knocked down again.
It starts with Halloween. From there, we move to my and Bruce’s wedding anniversary, Thanksgiving, my birthday, the anniversary of the day we met, Christmas, New Year’s eve/day and the anniversary of Bruce’s death.
I know to brace myself, because before I can catch my breath from one event, the next one is upon me. If I am honest, what I would really like to do is crawl in bed, pull the covers over my head and cry for 2.5 months… but I don’t have that option. I have responsibilities, and life moves on whether I am ready or not.
So over time, my method of survival has been to take a deep breath, draw on my strength, pull my emotions inward… and try to avoid talking about it because that will bring uncontrollable tears. Don’t get me wrong, I do allow myself the time to cry, but I try to hold that for when I am alone… The problem is I am not always successful.
The first year most people understood that these days would be emotional triggers for me and were very empathetic. Now, however, as I go through this for the fourth time, most people (although not everyone) have lost any sense of patience or compassion. The idea that I could still be grieving seems foreign to them. On the one hand, I know they really have no frame of reference, and I can’t change that. On my end though, it just makes the whole thing hurt worse.
For example, there are two days I know to make plans to take off from the world… Our anniversary and the anniversary of Bruce’s death. These are the hardest for me… My emotions are unpredictable from moment to moment… I know that so I choose to be alone and do whatever is needed to bring me comfort and get through the day.
This year is no different. I made my plans months ago… Anyone who knows me well is aware, whether they agree or not. This year, however, other people in my life have things they want me to do. Weeks ago when it was first mentioned (and while I was less emotional), I explained that I already had plans and why.
This week, however, it came up again. I must admit I was already feeling a bit emotional and now I was caught a bit off guard. I quietly restated that I wouldn’t be there. However, there were other people present who questioned why, so I had to explain myself again. My goal was to be succinct and not go into too much detail, but I could feel the tears starting to form in my eyes as I spoke.
This week it all seems a bit harder to talk about… This week I was more emotional… This week was the start of “the season.” I managed to get through Halloween on Monday – Bruce’s favorite time for innocent teasing with the children at the door (not to mention the candy he denied eating). Then this next week, I will face our anniversary – A day I thought we would celebrate together for many years to come.
So this second explanation was much more quiet… And in the frustration of trying to hold back the emotion, I became a flustered. I doubt my explanation made much sense, but I prayed that would be the end of it… We’ve discussed it twice, after all.
But, no. It came up again… Several times actually. I don’t believe any of it was meant to be cruel or to cause me more pain. However, each time it came up I was thrown off guard and found myself trying to defend something I know no one can truly understand if they have never experienced it.
I can’t even remember what I said each time… I only remember feeling the tears filling my eyes as I mumbled an apology, prayed this would be the last conversation about it and waited for the conversation to just move on…
Throughout the week, I found myself going back and forth between feeling understood versus defending my feelings and the need to be alone. It was like being on a roller coaster while trying to balance to staying in control of my emotions.
I heard everything from “We do understand… I can’t imagine how hard it is to find your soulmate and then to lose them without any warning.” to various versions of “why” questioning. I also heard phrases that felt like a cross between “I’m trying to understand” versus “Get over it already.” For example, “You will be fine… There will be no tears ‘that’ day,” and “We understand, but if you want to reconsider that would be okay too… But if you don’t, we won’t say anything.”
Seriously? It has been brought up several times… I don’t feel like anyone understands… While it hasn’t been said outright, I feel like the world keeps telling me, “It has been 4 years. Get over it already and move on”… but I can’t.
I wish I could help others understand it’s not as easy as they think… It’s not a switch that I can turn on and off… Maybe I should be over it, (I know it’s been almost 4 years), but I’m not… I still love him… I miss him… I still hurt…
And that is the bottom line…
While I am hurt by a lot of the conversations this week, I’m not angry. (That is a big sign of growth for me.) Of the two of us, I am the only one that knows both sides of this coin. For others, I know it must be hard when there is no reference point… when someone has never lost the person they loved beyond anything else… The person they thought they would spend the rest of their life with… I understand their need to give “objective” advice… They mean well… They want to help…
However, what I wish they could understand is…
If you really want to help, just walk beside me for while… Cry with me on my hard days and celebrate with me on my good days… That will go a lot farther toward healing than anything else…
What about you? Did you or have you struggled with feeling judged after your loss? How did you come to terms with it? Or do you still need support in that area? Would you be willing to share your story or your thoughts?
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Just trying to survive each day is so difficult. I am really dreading the holidays.
Sometimes it hits me hard and unexpectedly. 40 years since my younger brother passed, 8 since my mother passed, and over 2 since Dad passed. A picture, a phrase overheard while standing in line, something on TV, a recipe card that’s faded with age but with an unmistakable scrawl. Sometimes it doesn’t take much to bring the memories careening from the corners of my mind. There is no expiration date for grief. I’ll always miss ’em. I’ll never forget’ em. And sometimes it’s so much more than a memory.
Holidays coming up. Don’t know what will happen. It’s going to be hard. I’ve had people tell how to grieve. It’s almost 7 months. I know it will take a lot longer as I’ve gone through this before. We lost our son 19 years ago. He was 31 with a young wife and two small boys. So losing my husband was extremely hard for our entire family…He was there grandpa and father image. We miss him so much. He always peeled the potatoes….who is going to do that now….it’s not just that it’s everything. How do you get through holidays. I just want hide or stay in bed all day but we have the kids to think of don’t we?????