If you had the chance to say one thing to your lost loved one, what would you say?
I was thinking about that this morning… What would I say? Since I tend to “talk” to Bruce’s spirit on a continuous basis, to only pick one thing to say was a hard one for me. I know it might sound crazy, but when things are upsetting or when I feel elated, in the middle of the night or the middle of the day (it doesn’t really matter), whenever it is a situation where I would have turned to Bruce for support or reassurance or just plain friendship and love, he is still my go-to… or at least in my mind, he is.
So… What would I say?
I think I would start by telling him that I’m okay… I couldn’t have said that in the beginning, because I wasn’t. Back then, I couldn’t understand why any of this was happening. Why did he have to die? Why was I still here?
I can remember begging God to let me die too… I know! That sounds awful, doesn’t it? But I really didn’t want to be here without him. I kept looking down the road at all the years ahead, and I felt overwhelmed at the prospect of going it alone. Not only did I not want to take a single step forward without him by my side, I honestly, didn’t think I could.
However, God (evidently) answered that prayer with a “you’re still here (period).” It took years to accept that answer. It took even more years to want to be here.
But I’m okay now…
In the beginning of this journey, I couldn’t understand why I was still here. What purpose did I serve? Each day looked like the next – wake up (alone), work out (alone), go to work (thankfully with friends), come home (alone), eat dinner (alone), and go to bed (alone).
However … slowly… over time, I began to realize that it was up to me to find that purpose. I was the one that had to dig deep and figure out how I could still make a difference in this crazy world. In other words, I had to learn to reconnect with people. I had to “allow” myself to re-establish relationships and re-connect with friends without feeling like I was being disloyal to Bruce and his memory. In other words, I had to stop hiding in the dark hole of grief that had become my only friend.
It was hard, but I did it… And now, I’m okay.
When my daughter and grandson moved in a few years ago, life really took off. I became too busy most days to even think about being sad or feeling sorry for myself. Life was suddenly filled with laughter and adventures that I never thought I would experience again. Then, two more of my children moved nearby and life has gotten even brighter. My days are now filled with family dinners, family game nights, family movie nights, family vacations, family day trips and family adventures.
Even when I am overwhelmed or exhausted, I am grateful! All of it makes me smile… And all of it reminds me that I’m okay.
Yes, I still miss Bruce, and I would give my very soul to have him back. I miss seeing the love in his gentle eyes, as much as his mischievous grin. I miss the strength and security I found in his embrace, as much as the butterflies that appeared in my stomach each time he held my hand or stroked my cheek. I miss having my best friend beside me day in and day out. I miss the security of thinking we had “forever.” I miss all of that and so much more.
But, if I had the chance and could only tell him one thing, it would be, “I’m okay, babe… I’m okay.”
As I close up this week’s blog, I just want to say that I know he would want me to be okay… I believe he would want me to live my life and love every moment no matter how it comes. I, also, don’t think he minds that I still miss him and “talk” to him, (as long as I don’t get stuck there again). I am so thankful for all that he added to my life… All the things that make up his legacy, which I hang onto now… All the things that have enabled my healing and allowed me to “be okay.”
So… What about you? What one thing would you tell your loved one? Let us know… We would love to hear from you. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know that, as well. We are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. * Who knows… your story may the answer for someone else.
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