How do you offer support to someone you love or care about when they are grieving? How do you show that you care about their loss and their pain? How? … Honestly, I don’t really know. I’m pretty good at recognizing what not to do. But knowing what to do is another story. I think, perhaps, it is a moment by moment answer… I also think it depends on the person… And your relationship. I don’t think there is any, one, perfect answer.
It has been years since Bruce passed away. And in that time, so many people have walked beside me in an effort to offer support… Just the fact that they have tried means the world to me. I know in the beginning I was too hurt… the pain was too raw… to recognize their efforts for what they were – attempts to show me love… attempts to ease the pain. There were times when I got angry at things that were said, and I wrote about it…
If I’m honest, there were some things that should never have been said. There are some things that seemed to invalidate my experience and my feelings. But… at the core of it, I know the person saying it meant well… I don’t believe the intention was anything but good. I just couldn’t see that at the time. I couldn’t see past my own pain…
I had no idea how hard it was for them to see me lost in grief and know that there was really nothing anyone could do to make it better.
So, what do you do for someone when they are grieving?
It probably sounds weird. Through the years, I have watched as friends around me lost family members and expressed their grief and emotions. And while I know what not to say, I still struggle with what I should say… or do. At this point, one would think I should know. Shoot, I’ve been there… I’m still there… But the problem is everyone is different. Everyone responds to grief in their own way and needs different kinds of support.
Then, you throw in the relationship part… How close are you to the person? Are you family? Are you friends? Are you close or only acquaintances? Do you share a faith? All of that plays a part in what you can offer… Or does it?
When Bruce died, there were people whose relationship with me had distanced over time, (one was even a falling out), but these people showed up in my life with so much ferocity and love. They stood beside me through some of the hardest moments. They held me hand and pulled me close as I cried. They listened to me until the wee hours of the night and never made me feel like a nuisance.
There were other people whom I craved support from who were silent… It was quite surprising. At the time, rather than counting my blessings of those around me, I chose to be hurt by those who weren’t. I say that because it was my choice… I didn’t have to be hurt. Over the years, I have come to learn that for some of these people, they were going through their own personal “hell” and just had nothing left to give. (I get that!) Others just didn’t know how to respond. (I get that too… now.)
After all, we live in a culture that has a low tolerance for sadness or negative emotions. For some reason, we have come to a place where we think life should just be about happiness and sunshine. So, when it isn’t, what do we do? Some of us shove those feelings down deep so no one else can see them. Others of us try to talk about it in a safe space, and others might “overshare.” No matter what we do, though, grief comes at a cost… We are changed… We will never again be the people we were. And if you are on the other side of the grief looking in, how do you respond to that, as well?
As I have watched on Face Book the last few months, several friends have lost family members to either Covid, a myriad of other illnesses, or simply “old age.” Their pain is hard to watch, and many of them I only have contact with through Face Book. So, what do I do? What is the right way to show support and show that you care?
I have found a few things… They are kind of general, but I think these will be my guidelines going forward.
1. Don’t be afraid to visit.
I know I loved it when people dropped by. I loved the surprised of a caring hug in the middle of the day. I loved the conversation that usual centered around memories of Bruce. I loved that someone cared enough to drive all the way out to my place just to spend a few minutes with me. That was amazing in my book!
2. Understand that people grieve differently.
This can be hard, but I think if we can just respect everyone’s right to be who they are, and grieve in a way that allows them to not feel judged for what they feel and how they express it, that would be huge.
3. Accept that you can’t “fix” their feelings.
I knew no one could make it better. I think it’s normal to want to try to take the pain away, but you can’t. You have to “allow” them to have their feelings and the pain that goes with it. Honestly, I didn’t want anyone to take it away. I knew I had to figure it out… Grief creates its own journey, and there are no shortcuts.
4. Acknowledge the loss.
Sometimes the simplest, “I’m sorry” can mean the world. There were (and still are) so many times when someone says how sorry they are that Bruce is gone. “Me too,” is my usual response, but it means the world to me that they care too.
5. Listen.
This sounds easier than it is. We all like to give our opinions or advice. But, honestly, the grieving person just needs someone to listen… That’s it… Just listen.
6. Lessen the load.
For some this might mean bringing meals over or running errands for the person. In my case, this meant going with me when I had to take care of “widow” business. I had friends who took off from work and drove an hour to my house (several times) so that I wouldn’t have to go to the courthouse alone to file the necessary paperwork. This kind of support meant the world to me… Honestly, some of those papers probably wouldn’t have ever been filed if they hadn’t been there to hold my hand.
So, have I figured it all out? No! But… I am trying. If anything good can come from my own grief, maybe this is it… To just share what I have experienced so that we can all give each other the support we need when we need it…
I still grieve Bruce every day. Every time someone I know loses someone they love, my heart breaks for them, knowing how that pain can feel. I am so thankful for all the people who have supported me through the years… All those who have loved me and accepted that this is now a part of who I am. They have been a big part of my healing and their love has allowed me to keep putting one foot in front of the other. What about you? Have you ever struggled to find support in the midst of your grief? Let us know… We would love to hear from you. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know that, as well. We are here for you.
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