Well, as rough as the week before was, this past week was much, much better. Don’t ask me why… I couldn’t tell you. I can only say that this is the way of grief sometimes. For me, as time has passed, my good days overwhelmingly outnumber my bad days… Yet, even on my good days, I still miss him… I just seem to handle it better.
So how did I make it through that rough patch? It sounds silly, but I put my wedding ring on. Usually, it rests on the chain Bruce wore with his anchor charm and his wedding band, and I wear it tucked into my clothes. No one knows it’s there except me. Throughout the day, I touch it just to remind myself that I’m not alone.
However, when I am struggling, such as when I was going through cancer treatments a few years ago, I tend to pull it off the chain and place it back on my hand… Then, it becomes a reminder of the love we shared and just how amazing that was… It reminds me that I’m not alone… that I have been and still am loved – absolutely and completely.
Maybe for any of this to make sense, you should know the story behind the story…
Let’s back up a bit… Okay, let’s back up a lot! When I got married the first time, we were both still in college, and money wasn’t just tight, it was almost non-existent. So, instead of a diamond engagement ring, I received a pearl ring. I have always loved pearls, and this ring was lovely. I wore it for years!
Then, on our 10-year anniversary, my (then) husband called our children into the room to make this big speech and presentation about love and marriage and how he had always wanted to change out that pearl for a diamond… And so on and so on… You get the picture. The ring he presented me was huge, and I was completely surprised and overwhelmed by the whole thing.
With four kids and me as a stay-at-home mom, money was still tight! How in the world did he manage it?? Well, that answer came almost immediately. My ex shooed the children back outside to play, before telling me that he had purchased the ring as “90 days same as cash.” I now had 90 days to figure out how to pay the XXX thousands of dollars needed for the ring… I was floored! We couldn’t afford it. I didn’t want it. Yet, I didn’t dare ask him to take it back, because I was too scared of him and his reaction. So, instead, the kids and I lived off Cheerios, mac and cheese, and rice-n-beans for months as I struggled to pay for that ring.
Many years later, after our divorce was finalized, I took the ring to a jeweler. My plan was to trade it in for a Mother’s ring with each of my children’s birthstones. The jeweler was so kind, assuring me they could definitely work with me. As the she analyzed the ring, she kept going on and on about the value of the gold. However, she was totally silent about the diamond itself. Finally, I asked about the value of the diamond. I will always remember her words…
“I don’t know how to tell you this,” she said, “but this isn’t a diamond. It isn’t even cubic zirconia. It’s just glass.”
Are kidding me?? I could have cleaned that thing with Windex?? I had spent months giving my ex thousands of dollars out of our budget to pay for what?? (I’ll never know, but it wasn’t to pay for that ring… That’s for sure!) I remember laughing as I left the store… He had done it again! He had won and played me for a fool for the last time…
Now let’s jump ahead…
After Bruce and I spent a weekend sailing on Lake Michigan, he told me that he wanted to go look at rings. I was a bit surprised. We both knew we were in love. We both knew this was a forever thing, but we hadn’t actually talked about marriage. As we walked into the store, he asked me what kind of ring I wanted…
“Real,” was all I had to say. I was serious, but he just chuckled. I had no idea where to begin as we looked at all the rings. I hadn’t thought about it up to this point. Bruce pointed out a few that he felt would look good on my hands, (which are kind of small). Feeling self-conscience and practical, I chose a small princess cut. It would fit my hand and also not get in my way on the boat. I remember the smile on his face as he handed it back to the jeweler without saying a word.
Now jump ahead several more months…
The neighborhood where I lived had a tower that looked out over the river. One evening, as Bruce and I sat up there enjoying the view and the sunset, he pulled me into his lap, looked at my hand, kissed it, and said, “Something is missing.”
I had no idea what he was talking about; the trip to look at rings was long forgotten in my mind. Since I was always switching out what rings I wore, I thought we was looking for a certain one. Next thing I knew, he had pulled a ring out of his pocket and placed it on my finger.
I can’t even begin to tell you how shocked I was. That ring was the same one I had chosen, except it was twice the size (and it was real). I didn’t even know what to say. I can’t tell you the exact conversation. I can only remember the tears in my eyes when I asked him about the size, and he responded by telling me that he didn’t want anyone to ever look at that ring and have any doubt about how much he loved me.
Less than a month later, we found ourselves back in that same store selecting our wedding bands. Once again, I found myself looking at the simpler pieces – just a plain band to sit beside this beautiful gift he had already given me. He looked at those with me for about half a minute before he pointed out a band with additional stones. It fit perfectly with the engagement ring to produce one solid unit, becoming the most exquisite piece I had ever seen.
I remember watching the snow fall outside as the tears fell down my face as I came face to face with the realization that this man was the greatest gift I had ever received. On a personal note, I had already lost everything I owned, and was content with so much less. Yet, he wanted the world to know that I was worth so much more to him.
Now… do I think rings equate love? No, not at all… But his love and the sentiment encircled within this ring will always make it my most treasured gift. Therefore, last week, when I was missing my husband… when life felt so very lonely… When I felt lost and abandoned… I pulled that ring off the chain and placed it back on my hand… And there it has stayed.
Each time I look at this ring, I smile… I remember the man, and I remember our love… and my heart feels warm… So, … I know his intent was that he wanted the world to see that ring as a symbol of how much he loved me. For me, though, it is so much more than that… It is a reminder of everything that made us who we were as a couple – our love, our loyalty, our devotion, and our friendship. It is a reminder that I am not alone… I have been and always will be loved…
… And when I am sad and down, remembering all of that makes me smile again.
Once again, I thank you for giving me a safe place to vocalize my feelings – whatever they may be. I have said it before – this is not an easy path for any of us. It is not a path I ever saw myself on, and you probably didn’t either. I don’t think any of us actually wants to be here, but this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. This journey is filled with challenges I never imagined. Each time I think I am figuring it out, I find I haven’t. Honestly, none of us ever know from one day to the next, or one moment to the next, when another wave of grief will hit or what will be the next trigger, and that can make this journey feel so completely baffling and hard to navigate.
Thankfully, I know I am not alone. We are here for each other and, it is actually our love for those we have lost that brings us together to this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone…
Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*
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