Last week, I talked about going back, reading earlier journals, and sharing some of my favorite memories. This week, I thought I’d share something different… This week, I thought I’d share some of my entries from those first few weeks. Between the shock of Bruce’s death and the impact of what that would mean to my future, it was a really hard time. I know the details of everyone’s experience are different, but that period of reality and adjustment is hard… for anyone…
One Week
Oh God! This is too hard! I can’t do it. God is expecting too much from me. It’s been a week – he needs to come back!
All last night I kept thinking that a week ago we were living our last few moments together, and we had no idea. I kept trying to remember his smile, his touch, that last kiss goodnight.
There are no regrets about how those last moments were spent. They were good. They were happy. They were normal… I just want one more hour – one hug, one smile, one more evening just snuggling on the couch. I need to lay my head on his chest while he strokes my back and tells me it’s all going to be okay. But I don’t get any of that, and it’s not going to be okay. I can’t even breathe without him. Oh God! How am I going to do this???
“When you’re grieving, that’s not the time to be brave or strong. You need to let it show.”
~ Zig Ziglar
Nine Days
This is awful! I’m so lonely. Today will be my first day alone… I’m scared…
It’s funny… when people came those first few days, they said they would stay as long as I needed them to… Now, nine days later, they are all gone. I guess it is just as well. I have to learn to be alone some time. I know they all have lives to get back to… I wish I did. I wish I could get in my car and drive back to my life with Bruce.
I can see how people die of a broken heart… This is way too wrong. We love each other – that won’t stop – I still Love him. Why take such a man? Bruce was such a wonderful influence on everyone he met. He was my exact match… I still love him so, so much!
“It takes strength to face our sadness and to grieve and to let our grief and our anger flow in tears when they need to.”
~ Fred Rogers
Ten Days
Last night was hard. Reality hit… I am no longer the center of anyone’s world. From now on, I will always be behind whatever else is going on in someone’s life. I understand that… it is the way it should be. At the same time, it is hard to know that there is no longer my Bruce, who loves me first and foremost. He had a way of making me feel so important. But that is gone, and I need to accept that… Is it okay to feel sorry for myself for a little bit, though? I hope so, because I just want to crawl in a hole. I know I am an emotional drain to everyone… I want to be happy, but it just feels so fake right now.
“There are things that we don’t want to happen but have to accept; things we don’t want to know but have to learn, and people we can’t live without but have to let go.”
~ Nancy Stephan, The Truth About Butterflies
Eleven Days
You’re really not coming back. That is so hard to understand… to accept. How do I pick up these shattered pieces and move on? I can’t. Please don’t ask me to – don’t make me. This is pain so great, so overwhelming that I don’t know how to begin. I can’t even pray. I can talk to you, Babe… sing to you, yell at you… but I can’t talk to God. I should… but the words aren’t there. I don’t feel mad at Him (at least I don’t think so). Yet, whenever I try to pray, there is nothing there. I can read verses and some even bring a moment of comfort… But I can’t pray.
Please don’t go. Please let me wake up and this be some horrible, horrible nightmare. I don’t think I can survive this. Everyone says I am doing great, I’m gonna be okay, I’m strong, etc.… But I don’t think so. This feels like more than I can bear. My heart lay in pieces… I can’t even breathe, and to move feels like a mighty chore. Survival is such a fight right now… It’s just that you were my whole world, and now my world is gone.
“Sometimes, all I can hope for is that I’ll feel more hopeful tomorrow.”
~ Martha Whitmore Hickman, Healing After Loss
There are so many things about Bruce that I miss even now. We had so many dreams of what our life together would be like, but for whatever reason, I was left here to figure all that out alone. In the beginning, I didn’t think I could survive this… but, somehow, I have. Whenever I feel like I can’t go another step, I remember him – his confidence, his smile, his love – and somehow, I feel a little less lonely and that next step a little less impossible. Remembering Bruce… remembering the love we shared… and I know that the love I still feel within is far greater than any I have ever experienced… and to have never experienced this love would be so much worse than this pain I feel now.
Thank you, Babe… Thank you for making such a huge difference in my life.
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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. This year, my goal is to simply ‘be’… Be me, be kind, be compassionate, be loving, be hopeful… to just ‘be’ and to be comfortable with that… however it looks.
Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.
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