Courage…
~ Linda, February 13, 2015
I’m trying so hard to be brave…
But I don’t feel brave.
I don’t want to face tomorrow.
I don’t want to wake up alone.
I don’t want another day without you.
I am so thankful for the memories.
I just wish they weren’t memories…
I wish they were now…
(Our wedding picture… so in love and so happy!)
Earlier this week as I started thinking about what I wanted to write, I knew it would be hard. Anyone grieving knows that holidays are always hard… and here was one specifically designed for lovers and soulmates. (Ugh!) How was I going to write anything that might help or encourage anyone… I wasn’t feeling it. My first thought was to just keep it simple and share some highlights from my journal. But that all changed when my oldest daughter sent me a cartoon with a reminder that made me laugh. Let me explain…
With my first marriage, I converted to the Roman Catholic faith and even spent many years teaching in a wonderful, small town, Catholic school. One of the things I loved about the church were the Saints and their stories. According to the tradition I was taught, St. Valentine was thrown to the lions by the Romans as punishment for performing Christian marriages for Roman soldiers. That story always stuck with me and my kids and every year we call Valentine’s Day, “Don’t-Get-Eaten-By-Lions” Day. Don’t ask me why. It isn’t meant to be sacrilegious, it is just our sense of humor. So on Tuesday, my daughter sent a cartoon with suggested plans for the holiday and a message that said, “And don’t get eaten by lions.” I laughed… until Valentine’s morning, when I realized those “lions” are real.
My first “lion” greeted me as soon as I woke up. I had just dreamed that Bruce and I were riding in his truck talking and laughing. It was wonderful! (I love those dreams, and I cherish every one of them when they come along.) I didn’t want to wake up. I was sooo happy in my dream. I just wanted to stay there… holding his hand and laughing with him. But dreams end and I woke up. All I wanted was Bruce… to be in his arms where I always felt safe. I didn’t want to face the reality of the day, but there I was facing my third Valentine’s Day alone.
The first 2 years, other people sent me reminders that I was loved and not alone – candy, cookies, flowers. I appreciated their genuine kindness on such a tough day, but this was year three. It was time to face my reality. It was time to learn how to face the “lions” around me.
People respond to death in different ways and I realize that some people may believe I should be “over this” by now… I should be used to being alone. However, my reality is very different. I have learned that loss doesn’t come with an “off” switch for love. Today, I would have to face the “lions.”
The “lions”… Spending a day that is all about love without the one person who loved me completely felt like the emotional equivalent of being in the lions den. My problem was I couldn’t decide if it was worth the effort to fight for survival or just give up and be consumed by the sadness I felt.
I always start my day with meditation and reflection. So, as I lay there quietly reflecting, I decided on some new plans for the day that made me smile – some of his favorite things and some of my favorite things. It would be a day about us and the love we still share.
My plans were pretty simple:
- The first 2 years I bought myself a present “from Bruce,” and I was planning to do the same this year. However, I realized I had already received the best gift – my dream… time and laughter with Bruce. There was no need for anything more since nothing could compare with that.
- Dinner would not be lobster and champagne as I had thought earlier in the week. It would be brats, chips and dip… Not my normal fare but Bruce’s favorite weekend meal.
- I planned to work in the yard and get it prepared for Spring. (I never gardened until Bruce passed, and the yard became a memorial garden in his honor. It’s creation was healing for me and each plant is connected to him in some way.)
But most of all,
- I decided to seek clarity as I needed it. I decided not to fight or run from the “lions” around me. Instead, I would take the time to stop, breathe and separate my panic from my truth… After all, love is not chocolates or roses or teddy bears. It is not bound to one day… Love is in the little moments. It is constant through time, and it is never-ending.
I will always remember you, Babe. I will always celebrate us. Just like my dream, our love existed in the simplest moments of time spent together laughing, smiling and just enjoying each other… that is love. Because I still feel your love, I can choose to slow down, remember and draw on the strength of those beautiful moments together. There is a peace there.
I can choose peace… I can ignore the “lions.”
This is my story but this is our community… the place where we can share our experiences. To share yours, please go to the comments and leave a note, comment or question.
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I still remember the loss of my father, when I was 12. My Mother was lost when I was 6.
To bring that to light, my Nephew passed several years ago leaving a son of 12.
After all those years, as I attended the services, I watched him play, the attention, everyone showing him attention.
The reflection, was quite more than I could handle, as I can say that, I reacted in the same manner, many years past.
I can’t say that I know, how you feel, I do know how my nephew’s son felt.
At some time in his life he will know the grief, of his lost father.
Take relief, your pain now, comes with no regret for even one moment of love that you shared.