Let me start by apologizing for posting this week’s blog a day late. I have spent the past few days vacationing with my sisters on a quiet, remote beach… which has become my topic for today. Prior to this weekend, I had started writing about something completely different, but (just like life itself) something happened to changed my plans.
This trip is actually a yearly trek. In fact, every summer for almost a decade now, the four of us have come together from three of the four corners of the U.S. It is our time… It is a girls’ weekend that includes relaxing, napping, beach time and cocktails. But my absolute favorite part is the deep, intimate conversations… conversations with people I trust… conversations that are safe because I know no matter what anyone says, we will not only still love each other… we will actually love each other deeper because we know each other more completely.
Some of these conversations “just happen.” You know what I mean… one thing leads to another, and without realizing how you got there, you find yourselves in the middle of something very deep and extremely intimate. Other times we start asking random questions that can evoke hysterically funny “confessions” or the same deep personal conversations mentioned above.
While those conversations are only between the four of us, and that is where they shall remain, I do want to share my thought process to one of those conversation-starting questions… The question was, “If you could change anything about your past – anything you have done, anything you have experienced, anything that has happened – what would it be?
You might that is a “no-brainer.” Surely, I would say “Bring Bruce back”… Or to have never experienced the abuse and divorce of my first marriage… Or to have never lost my first son… Or to have never experienced such severe financial loss years ago… In other words, to have never experienced the most painful points or periods of my life… But I didn’t.
While I have spent many hours wishing these things had not happened, wondering “why me” and thinking “God must hate me,” I have (over the last several months) come to realize that these horrible, horrible things – these things that created such pain – are the exact things that allowed me to grow and become a better me.
Do I wish I had never experienced financial loss? OF COURSE! I’ve written about the hopelessness involved when I woke up one day to find my investments were not real – I was responsible for four children and all my money was gone. Yet, through that experience I learned how to handle my money. I learned that there was more to handling money than getting paid, paying bills and buying stuff. I learned to be involved in my investments and how to budget and plan. I learned that when I am in control of my money, I do not have “money worries.” In other words, I have learned how to have financial freedom… I don’t think I would have ever learned that lesson without that awful experience to literally throw me down that particular road.
So would I really wish that experience away? When I was in the middle of it, I would have… I was scared and everything before me seemed impossible. But now that I am on the other side, I have to say, “No. I do not wish that experience away.”
What about the loss of my first child? Do I ever wish that had never happened? OF COURSE! I have written about the excitement of carrying a life inside you and looking forward to holding and loving that child. I have also written about the awful pain and sadness of losing that life in childbirth… of never holding that child, never touching his fingers and toes or never kissing his brow. For years, I didn’t acknowledge or grieve my little boy… It wasn’t until Bruce died that I began to work through the plethora of emotions from that experience. But even that part of the experience taught me a lot about death and grief… I learned that shoving emotions aside and pretending everything is okay, is not okay. Emotions are real… They have a way of taking on a life of their own when they are not acknowledged. I would not have believed it, if I hadn’t lived it. However, I finally learned that I had to deal with the pent up emotions of losing of Baby Matthew before I could even start to deal with the pain of losing of Bruce.
So would I really wish that experience away? I don’t know that I would… I now know that each loss experience helps prepare you for the next. How you learn to handle grief and loss early in life, will either leave you prepared or unprepared for to handle the losses later in life. This was a huge lesson! I didn’t learn it when it happened but I still had to learn it… even though it was years, no – decades, later.
Well surely, I must have wished I had never experienced the abuse and divorce of my first marriage, right? No… I can’t say that either. I have written about the terror, the pain and the after-effects of that experience. It was horrendous. There were things that happened in that household that should never happen… I am not saying those things are okay – They ARE NOT! However, what I am saying is out of that relationship, came four of the most amazing and wonderful children who are now four of the most amazing and wonderful adults. I cannot imagine my world without them. Another thing also emerged out of that relationship – a better me. It took years (and Bruce), but I learned to be strong. I learned to stand up for myself. Most importantly, I learned that my “being afraid” was what gave my first husband his perceived “power.” As soon as I learned to stop being afraid, I took my own power back, and he lost all perception of any power in my life. He is not a threat to me… I am no longer afraid.
So would I really wish that experience away? No. Somewhere earlier in my life, I somehow learned that I didn’t have enough value to hold onto my own “power.” I learned to give it away, and in my first marriage, I gave it to someone who abused it. Learning “I have value and no one has power in my life that I do not give to them” was a lesson I had to learn. It took years and it was a horrible experience, but that was a lesson that I had to learn or I was destined to relive it over and over.
And finally, what about losing Bruce? Surely, that is the experience, I would change! Honestly, I wish that he were still here every day. I still love him, and I miss him terribly. But if I am honest, there have been a lot of positive changes in my life – lessons I have learned because the grief in this loss has forced me to look deep inside myself… To really look at who I am, what I believe and how to live a genuine life. I believe this has been the hardest experience of all. I have hated and resisted every step. I still hate it. However, I no longer resist the lessons… In fact, I not only seem to be open to the lessons, I actually find myself pursuing the next lesson.
So would I really wish that experience away? If I am honest, a huge part of me would still say, “Yes.” … Maybe it is still too early… may be it is too fresh… maybe with time, like the other experiences, I will give a different answer… But I don’t think so. I think I will always wish Bruce were still by my side – laughing with me, encouraging me and loving me. But I also, believe the fact that I can see anything positive at all in this experience… that I have become stronger instead of curling up inside myself is huge.
I love who I have become through this experience… I know this side of me is what Bruce always saw deep inside me and loved. I believe his legacy is the reason I have grown. Because of this loss and his legacy, I have come to realize that each experience – good or bad – has held a lesson for me and has made me who I am today.
So maybe I would change this experience, but at least I am able to see the good that has resulted because of his life… and that has to count for something doesn’t it?
What about you? Have you ever asked yourself what you would change if you could? Or have you learned to see the positive in each situation? Would you be willing to share your story or your thoughts?
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