Grief is a funny thing… not funny “haha.” I am referring to funny as in “odd or strange.” It affects the person suffering the loss, and it affects the people around that person. It can bring out the best in us and it can bring out the worst. It is a bundle of constantly changing emotions, and yet we refer to it as if it is one. There is no way to measure it, nor any “perfect standard” for healing.
Grief is one of those topics that is rarely openly discussed in our culture. It is sad, and it is hard… And, as a culture, we seem to choose to ignore its existence until it happens to us. Because of this, grief is one of those life lessons that until experienced is hard to understand.
Maybe this is why, as a culture, whether we are the person grieving or the outside observer, we are so unprepared to deal with grief. Since it is not something we were taught, but rather “protected from,” we are likely to have some pretty big issues when we finally encounter it for ourselves.
I remember when Bruce passed away… all I really knew about loss was from Hollywood. While it is true, I had lost a child and all of my grandparents, I had never truly grieved any of them. With those losses, I thought I needed to be that “strong person” Hollywood seems to always make into the “grieving hero.” I didn’t expect anyone to come to my side or listen to me cry, because I wasn’t going to let myself cry. Instead, I did what I thought a “brave” woman would do – I pushed any emotions down deep inside and moved on through life as if all was fine.
Many years later when Bruce passed away, I learned that reaction really isn’t bravery… It is avoidance. Bravery is learning to face those emotions (many times alone), work through each one and fight to come out on the other side.
I don’t know what made Bruce’s death so different… I don’t know why that was my tipping point… but it was. My world just seemed to end. I felt weak. I felt broken. Now, being brave and strong seemed to be defined by simply continuing to breathe and exist. I wanted people to come to my side and hold me while I cried… I needed people to come to my side and hold me while I cried.
Thankfully, there were people who did exactly that. Some of them came and stayed and are still here. Some came for a season and left. Still others (less than a handful), actually came only to see if there was anything in it for them. (These are the predators even Hollywood acknowledges and are easy to spot.)
I think (for me) the problem then became two-fold. I didn’t know what I really needed or how to ask for it. This meant the people around me didn’t know what I needed either. As a result, I still felt alone and isolated. While I can’t say how the people around me felt with any certainty, I imagine they were a bit frustrated, as well.
Maybe this is where the breakdown starts between the griever and the observers.
Whatever the cause, once the breakdown starts it becomes harder and harder to hold onto the relationship. As the griever, I can say that I tended to pull more and more inside myself – leaving me feeling more and more isolated.
Now, as life moves on and I am able to look outside of myself again, I am starting to experience the observer side. On this side, it is difficult to know what to do. Now, I can see that as the griever pulls further inside themselves, I am torn between pushing my way in or just standing back and waiting… it is a hard position.
I, also, can’t say that it is the strength of the relationship prior to the loss that makes the difference. When Bruce passed away, I had several “best friends” who started strong but quickly faded into the background. I am not them, so I can’t tell you why. All I know is it hurt… It hurt really bad. But, now that life is a bit more stable for me, they are slowly starting to reappear in my life. I love them, and I have welcomed their friendships back… but our relationship is definitely different.
Then there are others who were not close to me prior to Bruce’s death, who came and stood solidly and firmly by my side. They may not have known what to say or do, but they stayed. I may have grieved longer than they expected, but they stayed. I may have ranted or lashed out or said some pretty ugly, angry things… but they stayed.
These people mean the world to me. They taught me that there is no “right way” nor any time limit for grief. They allowed me to feel what I felt and work my way through it without fear of losing their friendship, too. These are the people who taught me the it takes true bravery to open yourself up to love and to grieve. These people are the reason I am still here… learning to live… really live life again.
And that takes true bravery…
There is a peace that comes with acceptance,
And a love that is always remembered.
~ Linda, September 2013
What about you? How was/is your expeience with grief? Did you experience the loss of friendships during your grief? Do you still need support? Would you allow us to be there for you? Would you be willing to be there for someone else? If we share our stories and thoughts, we can help each other… Are you willing?
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