They say angels live among us… I believe that, because I was blessed to hold one in my arms…
Thursday, January 12… This was the 4th anniversary of Bruce’s death. I spent weeks dreading this day, while knowing there was no way to avoid it. For me, this day can never again be “just another day.” Plus, I am determined that he will not be forgotten, so I have built traditions around this day… which helps… These traditions leave me feeling that I have done something to honor this wonderful man who changed my whole world.
In past years, I have either spent this day completely in the company of others or entirely alone. This year, however, I found good a balance… some time with others and some time alone (with Bruce).
Three of us started the day in true “Bruce” style with a breakfast at Waffle House. From there, I went my own way to spend a few precious hours honoring Bruce my own way. Back at home, I lit candles and recited a few traditional prayers, as well as some prayers from Bruce’s Ash Ceremony years ago,…
“We cannot see, but we know, although the road ascends and passes from our sight, that there will be no night. We know that You have taken Bruce gently by the hand and now lead him along the road of life that never ends, and he will find it is not death but dawn. We do not doubt that You will hold him dear. We thank You for the faith that frees us, the love that knows it cannot lose its own and looking through the shadows, sees that You, Bruce and all who love him are always one.” ~ Prayer from Ash Ceremony
Then, I spent some quiet time, writing in my journal. With the business of the holidays, I found myself pushing my journaling time to the side. So, these few quiet moments were precious… To be able to sit in silence and get inside my own head for a while felt wonderful…
“Hi Babe! … How I wish you were still here! … How am I supposed to do this? How am I supposed to do another year without you? I miss you so much! I need you… Today is four years… Four years ago today, I was facing my first day as a widow… my first day alone. I was in so much shock. I didn’t quite know what to do with myself. The reality of what your death would really mean… what life would be like alone had not sunk in… It couldn’t until I experienced it. Now I sit here, looking back and looking ahead, and I feel lonely still. I love the memories – the fun we had, the twinkle in your eyes when you were teasing, the touches as we passed, laying in your arms as we slept or made love – each moment a sweet expression of our love and passion for each other… I miss it all!” ~ Linda, January 12, 2017
Afterward, I headed to the beach where Bruce’s ashes were scattered. With me, I took a Bali flower basket to place into the surf for Bruce… (And a little rum to share.) The baskets represent “giving back what has been given to you,”… And Bruce gave me so much. To make it personal, Bruce’s basket held flowers from both the store and the garden I planted in his honor, charms to represent Bruce – what he loved and his life’s attitude, a letter from me to him, incense to carry my prayers for Bruce to heaven and a few of his favorite quotes. I spent the next few hours (with Bruce) at the beach… remembering, laughing, crying… and sharing a little rum. It probably sounds so simple, but it was such precious time.
The next part of my remembrance brought me back home to work on the prayer flags. These flags are a Tibetan tradition made of brightly colored cloth and decorated with positive symbols and/or quotes. The flags are hung outside, where tradition holds that as the wind blows through them, the prayers and positive energy are carried throughout the world… Blessing all of us.
To start, I took down what remained of last year’s flags and burned them. This way their prayers and positive energy would still be carried on the wind throughout the world. Next, I hung this year’s flags which were painted and designed by several family members and me. The end result is absolutely beautiful and (as a blessing for me) hangs just outside my bedroom window. Now, each morning when I open my blinds, I am reminded of all the good Bruce brought into this world, and how his legacy goes on and on.
The next part of my day was new this year. However, because nature was in charge, I’m not sure it can become a yearly tradition. Let me back up and explain… My daughter, grandson and I have been working the past few months to help the Monarch butterfly population which is struggling. We planted milkweed for them, and had caterpillars almost right away. However, those first few caterpillars were quickly eaten by local wasps. With the second group of caterpillars, we decided to bring all six inside to see if we could raise their odds of survival. This meant replacing the milkweed leaves inside their butterfly cage every few hours to accommodate their voracious appetites, but it proved worthwhile.
On this special day, my grandson and I were blessed to release the first three butterflies in Bruce’s honor… It felt so right, as we watched them hesitate on our fingers before flying away… A beautiful reminder of the English proverb, “Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.” Such a simple creature… Yet such a beautiful symbol of courage and new life…
As night fell, we ended the day with one of Bruce’s specialties – something he loved to cook, and I (still) love to eat – cornbread and a bowl of Gumbo.
What a day! It was beautiful and memorable from start to finish… It all felt so right – filled with love and memories of the man who forever changed my world…
I love you, Babe… Always and forever!
“Now the work is left to us, his family, to carry forth the beauty and joy of that life which has been taken from us. Where we weep, Bruce would have us laugh. Where we mourn, Bruce would have us rejoice. But we know he will forgive us our grief, for to grieve is to love, to love is to cherish, and to cherish is to give praise and thanksgiving for the life which has blessed us all.” ~ Prayer from Ash Ceremony
For each of us dealing with loss, the anniversary of that loss is something we must deal with year after year. My hope in sharing my day is to offer an alternative to the normal grieving process we so easily find ourselves in. I can’t say that these traditions make the loss of Bruce easier to handle, but it provides me with a choice to celebrate his life and who he was… and I think he would like that.
Would you be willing to share your story or thoughts? To do so, go to the comments and leave a note. *
Who knows… your story may be the answer for someone else.
This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief
* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.
