The sadness is never ending.
The pain is unbearable.
Do you hear me when I call out to you?
… I feel so horribly alone.
~ Linda, November 2015
Have you ever experienced what some poets have called the “bleak midwinter?” If you’re not sure, let me describe it for you. According to the dictionary, bleak means “charmless and inhospitable; cold and miserable; not hopeful or encouraging; cold and forbidding… Now add “winter” to the picture. Do you have a rough idea?
Growing up, I thought I could picture a bleak midwinter in my mind. However, it wasn’t until I lived through several Michigan winters that I actually knew deep in my core what a “bleak midwinter” really is, and the despair that can set in for many of us as one bitter, gray day follows another.
When Bruce and I moved to Florida, I naively thought my “bleak midwinters” were done… But, I was wrong… For there are “bleak midwinters” that can occur within our soul, as well.
According to Rob Bell, “Despair is a spiritual disease that says tomorrow will be another repeat of today.”
For me, that defines the first several years of my life after Bruce passed. Like an eternal, bleak mid-winter, despair set in… My life became a space that seemed to lack any hope at all. I was so deep in the despair of grief, I could not feel the love or hope around me… And without Bruce, I didn’t really care. Each day just seemed to hold more of the same.
As I contemplated the years ahead, all I could see were endless years alone… without Bruce… without love… without hope… And that was my despair.
I can’t say goodbye.
Why did you leave me alone?
Like an empty shell,
My heart is broken,
Wounded,
Empty.
Like an empty cocoon,
It is just a shell with no more life left inside.
~ Linda, November 2013
During this time, many people around me tried to convince me I was depressed. In some ways, that made me angry. I didn’t agree. I knew they couldn’t get it because they had never experienced it. However, I was the one living it, and I knew there was a difference… Grief is not simply depression.
Grief is a response… The depth and length of that response is directly influenced by the amount of pain, and the skills needed to move that pain in a forward direction. With the right skills, forward movement can happen even if the pain is extremely deep, although it may be very slow. However, when those skills are not in place or must be learned along the way, the grief for different reasons may simply stop. Many people refer to this as stuck, unresolved or complicated grief.
Whatever you want to call it, it is rough… And when you feel no one is left to listen, it becomes lonely… which quickly turns to despair.
When we lived in Michigan, I found there was a refuge from the despair of winter… I felt it the moment I walked into a warm space filled with family or friends… a space filled with love. So many times, I remember coming home from work in the middle of winter feeling cold and down. But, the minute I walked through the door, there was Bruce in his bare feet wearing a swimsuit, heat turned up and an umbrella drink in hand. “Come on in,” he’d say with a smile. “It may be nasty out there, but we’ve got summer in here.”
To move from the bitter cold, gray outside to the warm, brightly lit inside was good, but that wasn’t all… That wasn’t enough to break the despair. It was the love that broke through the despair… And it was the same with my despair from grief…
When Bruce died, I spent the first year in shock and anger. Then, I started learning the tools I needed to move forward. However, there were past losses I also needed to grieve before I could heal completely. I finally found myself starting to move forward, but it has been a very slow journey. During the third year, I hit a turning point – I made huge a shift and found myself with more and more genuinely, “good days” – I was finally at a point where I felt I could reach out and make a difference for others. (That, my friends, is a big deal, because the despair of grief is so deep, it is often hard to see past yourself.)
Do not be afraid;
Do not hold back.
Take a breath,
Take a step
And then another…
~Linda, Sept 2013
My guiding mantra last year was “Growing in love, spirit and purpose.” When I chose that theme, I had several ideas for the “purpose” part… I really thought I knew what it would mean. However, God had another idea, and it was much bigger than myself.
This past year, one of my daughters and my grandson moved in with me. In the beginning, I thought I was the one helping them. But in hindsight, I realize something completely different… As time has passed, people tell me I smile more, I laugh more, and I seem happier… more alive.
Why? Once again, my home is a warm and brightly lit space filled with love… Once again, it is my refuge from the bitter cold within myself. By focusing on others (my daughter and grandson) rather than myself, I have found my refuge from my own despair.
So, it turns out, I have grown in love, spirit and purpose. I have come to realize that my purpose was not just to love and help others… I needed their love and help, as well… I am not called to simply serve others but to accept the same in return… Not to expect it, but to accept it graciously when it is offered. No one person completely relying on the other, but a healthy balance of give and take… of love and support.
So, does that mean my grief is gone? That I will never feel that despair of loneliness?
No, of course not. My grief is not gone. I still have periods of time when I find myself falling into that pit, especially when I let myself think too far ahead. The difference is where I choose to focus… on others or myself… on the present or all the years ahead. I don’t believe one is better than the other or that either is wrong.
It is the amount of time I choose to focus on the negative that can be rough. At the same time, if I never allow myself any time to grieve, I can never totally heal… Once again, it is a balance… And finding that balance is simply a part of the journey.
One step at a time;
Looking too far ahead creates worry and doubt;
Focusing on now creates a feeling of accomplishment
And a little more peace.
~ Linda, October 2013
For many of us, the despair of grief can be overwhelming at times. The feelings of loneliness and abandonment can leave us stuck where we are. If you are dealing with this type of despair, we are here… you are not alone. If you remember dealing with this despair, how did you finally move forward? Would you be willing to reach out… to share your story or thoughts? To do so, go to the comments and leave a note. *
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