Peace, Love and Grief… The Gift That is Life

As I lie here thinking of you,
I realize I have been blessed to have had a husband
Whose only expectation was for me to love him;
And whose only goal was to show me how much he loved me.
~ Linda, July 2014

When Bruce died it came as such a shock to me… How does a person go to bed laughing and joking, but not wake up in the morning? How does that work? Months later I learned he died of an enlarged heart. But how is it, no one know about that? His job required a yearly physical… I know he went to the doctor every six months for his blood pressure. The whole thing just didn’t add up… And to be honest, it still doesn’t.

I remember after he died, all the family came. As they were trying to help me through those days, they would ask about this or that document or piece of paperwork… But, I didn’t have to go hunt for any of it… All of it was in a nice, neat pile on the counter… Everything I needed… Everything Bruce knew I would need.

It didn’t take long for the feeling to sink in… The feeling that he must have known… He had to have known… Why else would everything be ready for me? In fact, the more I thought about it, I started to recall times when he would make comments about dying, which I had laughed off… Or forbidden him to say… Had he been trying to bring it up, and I shut it down? Was he trying to open the path for a conversation, and I didn’t get the hint?

At first, it just plain made me angry! How could he have known and not said anything? Why didn’t he allow me to be a part of whatever decision he made about his health? Why didn’t he allow me a last good-by? Why didn’t he tell me, so we could be sure everything was planned and in order? Why did he leave me to tell everyone? Why hadn’t he done that?

I didn’t understand any of it… It was all too much to take in, much less, try to make sense of. As the months passed, I called his doctors and asked what they knew, but I got the same answer each time… “We have nothing on record about an enlarged heart.” (As it turns out, HIPPA laws prevent discussion of the deceased’s records for 50 years.) The most I could find was a lab order for a heart scan and blood work, which appears to have been ignored by Bruce and shoved in the back of his bottom drawer. (So, I know it was a discussion with his doctor.)

As the years passed, my feeling that Bruce knew something has remained just as strong, but my anger eventually gave way to guilt…

I began to feel terrible knowing that Bruce must have carried this knowledge all alone. I couldn’t understand why he didn’t feel he could trust me enough to tell me? He didn’t need to handle it by himself… Why didn’t he let me support him through this?… Why?? What did I do wrong?

No matter how I looked at it, I felt I had let him down. For whatever reason, he felt he had to do this all alone… The guilt over not being there for him was overwhelming at times. People told me to let it go – there was no evidence to prove he knew anything… But I couldn’t. I knew Bruce… And in hindsight, I know what I know… And I know that he knew.

Now, however, my thought process has changed once again. Now instead of feeling guilt, I have moved to a place of understanding.

Over the past year, I have had several friends diagnosed with chronic or fatal illnesses. Each one has handled it in differently. Some have made public announcements on Face Book, while others have kept it quiet and only shared with a few. I am also sure there have been others who have told no one…

So, once again, my feelings have changed… Now I can say, I get it… finally.

Each of us is different, and how we handle those situations is going to be different. So, I have had to take myself out of my own head and put myself in Bruce’s place, and remember who he was as a man…

First, he hated to be the center of attention… Even telling me, would have made him the center of our marriage – something he would not have liked. Second, he believed in living in the moment… whatever it held. If I know Bruce (as I believe I do), he would have wanted life to be as normal as possible for as long as possible. He would have wanted the mundane and the quiet moments as much as the fun and silly moments we shared… He would have wanted the tenderness and love we shared to be real and honest up to the last moment…

And that was exactly what he got…

We laughed and disagreed. We kissed hello and good-by. We spent quiet moments at the beach and danced in the kitchen. I believe his goal was to be sure my memories of “us” were real… and honest… and precious…

Most of all, I believe he never said a word because he wanted me to remember our life together as a gift – each and every moment…

“Suffering and loss have this extraordinary capacity to alert and awaken us to the gift that life is.” ~ Rob Bell

Everyone deals with loss and grief in their own way. For each of us, trying to understand why things happened as they did can be a challenge in and of itself, and our paths are as diverse as the drops of water in the ocean. These are only my thoughts and reactions as I have traveled on this path. Maybe this feels familiar… Perhaps you too have struggled with the “why” of grief. If so, we are here, you are not alone. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *

Who knows… your story may the answer for someone else.

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