Purpose… That is word we hear a lot these days, (or at least I do). Over the last few years, I have listened to speakers and read multiple articles and books about “finding our purpose” – our reason for “being.” This is supposed to be the thing that motivates us to get out of bed in the morning and look forward to the day with “joyful anticipation.”
When Bruce died, all I could think was, “That‘s what I need… a purpose.” After all, I wanted a reason to get out of the bed… I wanted to look forward to each day with joyful anticipation. So, that became my goal… Find a purpose; feel better about life; grieve less.
But that, in and of itself, became a journey…
At first, I found myself making the same mistake, I think a lot of people make. I found myself associating “purpose” with “career.” I loved my job, and I enjoyed the people I worked with, but was that really my purpose? To be a corporate trainer? To teach people how to do their jobs? Was that it?
It couldn’t be… Since Bruce died, despite loving my job, I did not look forward to anything. I definitely did not look forward to each day at all. In fact, if I am honest, I did not want to be here at all… While suicide was not on my list, I prayed for God to just “take me” … “Let me go” … Something – anything – to not let me hurt like this anymore! Each day just seemed like a repeat of the day before… and the day before that… Life was an endless stream of grief and hopelessness… void of color.
But I knew I needed to find a way out… I needed a “purpose.” So, I kept looking…
Luckily for me, I was blessed to connect with a Coach, whom I credit with asking the right questions (and who never accepted “pat” answers), so I could figure this out. In all honesty, we talked about Bruce, but we never really discussed my grief. Nope… instead we talked about “purpose.”
I don’t remember specific conversations or the things I read which steered me towards the answer, but I do remember sitting at my desk at 3 am one morning and thinking, “When Bruce was alive, I felt like I had purpose… I had a reason to get out of bed… I looked forward to each day. Why? What was in my life then, that I am missing now?”
Well, the obvious answer was “Bruce.” But there had to be more, because I felt that like I had purpose before I ever met Bruce. What was it? Then, it dawned on me… It was love.
Don’t get me wrong. I am not talking about romantic love. (While I miss that about our relationship, that’s not what I mean.) I am talking about loving others… caring about them… and showing it. Even if it was just a smile or a hug, it was about recognizing and acknowledging the humanity in others.
That had always been a part of who I was… And who I am. When I taught school, I loved my students. When I started in the corporate world, I loved the people I worked with. I loved going to work, and I loved coming home.
But now somehow, I had lost that… But why? Part of it was the huge vacuum created when Bruce passed… Home became a lonely place, and work became a place to avoid being at home. But another part was the loss of trust with so many people around me… Not everyone, but enough to make me wary.
There were people I thought were friends, who distanced themselves. There were people I thought were friends who were suddenly interested sexually (not romantically), despite being in relationships themselves. There were some who made comments about “getting over it and moving on.” There were charities calling to say, “Your husband would have wanted you to help us.” Or businesses calling to say, “We would like to buy your house ‘to help you.’” Or neighbors saying, “Hey, we’ll take Bruce’s (boat, fishing gear, kayak, etc.) off your hands, if you would like.”
I was left feeling hurt, disgusted, judged and manipulated… In other words, it was my own trust in the world around me that had changed. I lost my balance when I lost Bruce, and now, I found myself trying to navigate a world where I had no idea who I could trust.
So, this is my struggle… even now. I still feel that loving others and showing people I care is my purpose, no matter what my occupation is at any given moment. But, how do I do that in a world where I struggle with trust.
I will say most days, I do okay… pretty good actually. I love doing things for other people. I love seeing them smile. I love knowing that it doesn’t take much to turn someone else’s day around.
My struggle tends to be letting people get too close emotionally. It scares me… I find myself backing up, shutting down… closing myself off for a while. It’s not good, and I know that if you truly love and care for others, it has to be a two-way street. At some point, I have to learn to trust enough to let others in.
Maybe that is part of my lesson with this cancer thing… I started off trying to do this alone. I didn’t tell anyone until I had gone through all the testing and had an actual diagnosis. At that point, I knew I couldn’t do it alone.
However, asking for help… asking people to go with me to appointments or help me with tasks which I am (temporarily) unable to do on my own is hard. Shoot – even when people ask how I’m doing, I usually just say, “Better every day” simply because I don’t want to bother anyone.
Learning to trust again… Learning to ask for help is humbling… and hard. However, I think in the long run (if I don’t give up on myself), I can do it… And maybe, just maybe, that will be what I need to feel my purpose once again…
“Your call to purpose isn’t necessarily about performing a specific task or being in a certain occupation. It’s about sharing yourself in a creative, loving way using the skills and interests that are inherently part of you.” ~ Dr. Wayne Dyer, The Power of Intention
Everyone deals with loss, grief and life in their own way. Sometimes new trauma is that much harder to handle simply because they aren’t beside us… It can feel lonely and overwhelming. Being forced to learn how to trust again can add to that struggle. That is how I have felt since being diagnosed with cancer. It’s one of those things I’d rather not face, but sometimes life doesn’t give us a choice. I just need to remember – I am not alone… and neither are you.
Maybe something in this feels familiar… Perhaps you too have experienced something similar. If so, we are here, you are not alone. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. * Who knows… your story may the answer for someone else.
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