I missed last week. I was down in the Keys enjoying some time with a few of my kids. I apologize for no forewarning, but in today’s world, I believe it is a really bad idea to announce an empty house due to leaving town. I hope you understand.
This week, though, I would like to brag a little bit about the man I love, the man I call Bruce. I know… I brag about him a lot. I think that may be one of the pieces of the grief process. The longer they are gone, the more perfect they become… We forget the bad (although there wasn’t much of that) and seem to only remember the good (there was a lot of that). Who knows – maybe that is why we call them angels and saints?
Earlier this week, as I was scrolling through Face Book and watching the video shorts that pop up, there was one that caught my attention. It was a man by himself, talking to the camera with the premise that his audience was other cis men. So, of course, I watched it… Don’t ask me why. I don’t know, but I’m glad I did.
In the video, he was giving advice on love and listening. In it, he stated how important it is to listen to your partner, especially when she is upset and hurting. He talked about just holding her and letting her say all the things while she cries… big, ugly crying. (You know what I mean.) His advice wasn’t to try and fix anything. It was to simply listen and to love her through it. He talked about the importance of letting her just get it all out in a safe space – no fixing, no judging, no patronizing, no interrupting, no saying it would all be fine in the end – just listening and holding her and loving her. That was it!
… And I cried because that is exactly what Bruce did for me.
We both came into the relationship with baggage from our first marriages. He had a lot of hurt, and we talked about that many times. However, he had worked through a lot of his hurt, and he would talk about what he had learned the first time around. Plus, he and his ex were actually quite amicable with each other. (It was wonderful to see that is actually possible.) My first marriage, though, had been abusive, and I was still struggling with PTSD from the trauma in that relationship.
Bruce never failed me, though… Whenever something would happen that triggered a PTSD episode, he was there – holding me, listening to me, letting me do that big, ugly, crying thing.
I remember one time; my ex had just sent an email to me. There wasn’t much to it really – a few ugly sentences that didn’t make a lot of sense. But the trigger for me was mine and Bruce’s home address in the subject line. My ex, this man who had terrorized me and my kids for years, was tracking me… and he knew where I was… I was terrified.
Now, I know this probably sounds silly, but PTSD doesn’t exactly bring out the rational side of a person. I literally burst into hysterics and ran to hide in the bedroom. (Because that makes sense, right?) Anyway, I have no idea what Bruce must have thought at the time. I do know that he took a peek at the computer, and not only read the email, he also responded to it.
Then, he came into our bedroom where he found me hiding – crouched between the bed and the dresser. But he didn’t try to coax or pull me out… No… This wonderful man got down on the floor with me, and just held me and listened as I cried (okay – bawled) and tried to explain why I was so scared. Yep… I was a big, ugly, hysterical mess… And he simply sat there with me – listening to all of it without ever making me feel silly or ridiculous.
There were so may instances like this in the first few years of our marriage. However, as time went on, and he consistently let me work through all that crap while he held me tight, something magical happened. I started to heal. I got stronger. The PTSD reared its head less and less.
And what did I learn? Just as the guy in the video said, love (unconditional love) really can heal all kinds of wounds.
That’s my story… That’s what I have been thinking about this week: 1 – How much I miss his strong arms and the safety I found there, and 2 – How his love for me is the reason I am still here today.
Thanks, Babe! I love you – always and forever!
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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. Learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. This year, my goal is to simply ‘be’… Be me, be kind, be compassionate, be loving, be hopeful… to just ‘be’ and to be comfortable with that… however it looks.
Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.
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