Tag: goodbye

Peace, Love and Grief… Never good at goodbye

“All I could think about was how you were taken away
and now our house…
our space was going to be taken too.”
~ Linda, Oct 2016

From our first goodbye to this past weekend, I have never been good at saying goodbye to Bruce… And I’m not sure I ever will…

Bruce and I met on a small sailing schooner in the Virgin Islands. We had a beautiful week in paradise and seemed to connect from the moment we met. On the last night of the cruise, reality sunk in, (aka – I got scared), and I told him it wasn’t going anywhere… I said my first goodbye. Then I cried the whole way home. I couldn’t do it. Inside I knew I was walking away from the best thing that had ever happened to me. I knew “goodbye” was not what I really wanted.

My first goodbye and already, I knew I couldn’t do it.

As soon as I arrived back home, I emailed Bruce and asked if he could forgive me enough to at least be friends. Six weeks later, we both knew it was a lot more than a friendship… This was going to be forever.

On my first trip to Michigan, I remember seeing his smiling face as I hurried down the passageway in the airport to the best hug (and kiss) ever! It was a wonderful weekend… like something out of a fairy tale. However, the idea of leaving and saying goodbye, started the flow of silent tears from the moment I awoke on the last day… and as I looked at Bruce, I caught him wiping his own eyes more than a few times. At the airport, we both sat silently holding on to each until the last possible moment… Yes, we were that couple. Then, once again, I found myself crying quietly on a dark plane all the way home.

Our second goodbye, and again, I knew this was the part of our relationship I hated.

The next few months found us taking turns flying back and forth between Michigan and South Carolina. Each trip started with the same total joy of being together again and ended with the same complete sadness at saying goodbye.

During the summer of that year, we planned for me to go to Michigan so we could spend those months together. Since I was driving (and in order to spend as much time together as possible), Bruce flew to SC and drove back up with me. At the end of the summer, the idea of goodbye was overwhelming for both of us. As we rode back to SC, we both got more and more quiet the further south we drove. The idea of another tear filled goodbye was even harder after so many months of being together.

It seemed like the stronger our relationship, the deeper our love and the harder it was to say goodbye.

I remember after several months, Bruce’s Dad asked us how long we thought we could keep this up… How long until we quit saying goodbye and got married? I will always remember Bruce’s answer… “Until it gets so hard to say goodbye, we just can’t do it anymore.” Prophetically, that ended up being our reality less then six weeks later.

Once that decision was made, things moved fast. Within less than a month plans were made for a move to Michigan and a small, quiet wedding. The weekend before the move, Bruce flew down to help with last minute move preparations. It was an exciting weekend for both of us, knowing that the endless cycle of “goodbyes” would soon be over. It’s funny, but even then… even knowing that we were about to be together for the rest of forever, it was still hard to say goodbye at the end of the weekend… Even knowing we would see each other in just a few short days, neither of us could say goodbye without tears.

For the next few years, Bruce and I rarely spent a night apart. In fact, even saying goodbye on workday mornings resulted in long hugs. How in the world were we to know how short this time together would be… and a final goodbye would come all to soon?

But it did come… in a breath… in the middle of the night… Bruce’s heart stopped and nothing I (or anyone else) could do would bring him back. I remember being allowed to stay with him until the Medical Examiner came to pick him up. I remember touching his face, holding his hand, kissing his forehead… knowing it would be the last time.

When the time finally came, with tears pouring down my face, I said goodbye… for the last time.

However, as most of you know from reading this blog, accepting the idea that that was really our final goodbye has been a struggle for me. I find myself, even now 3+ years later, still half-expecting him to walk back through our door… I still feel his presence next to me… And I still find myself “talking” to him. (I know it probably sounds crazy… unless you have been where I am.)

Up until this past week, I thought I had said all of my goodbyes to Bruce.

However, as one family out of thousands living on the Florida Atlantic coast, we were facing a category 4 Hurricane Matthew. In Florida, the only mandatory evacuations were on the barrier islands… However, even our area was expecting a 9 -11 foot storm surge, so we made the decision to evacuate as well.

So after hauling everything from the yard and porches into the garage and putting up the hurricane shutters, I found myself face to face with another goodbye… Goodbye to our home… The space Bruce and I had shared… It seemed so unreal. I had already lost the man I love… the man who still owns my heart… and now I had to face the fact that this space we had shared, might very well be taken too. It seemed so wrong. As we loaded the cars and headed west, I held onto Bruce’s jacket (one of the few things I chose to bring along) and cried.

Once again, even though I thought I had made so much progress, I found I was still no good at saying goodbye.

But, God is good… three days later, we returned to find not a thing wrong with our home. The landscaping needed some work and everything needed to be put back in its place, but we were spared… We were blessed…

And… I have learned that I may never be good at saying goodbye to Bruce… and maybe that’s okay.

Note: I would like to thank each of you for your prayers and good thoughts over the last week as my family and I dealt with Hurricane Matthew.

What about you? Did you (or do you) struggle with saying goodbye after your loss? How do you handle it? Or do you still need support in that area? Would you be willing to share your story or your thoughts?

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you!

Peace, Love and Grief… A Tribute: Saying goodbye to my friends

At one point in The Wizard of Oz, Dorothy says, “My! People come and go so quickly here!” I agree! I couldn’t have said it better myself!

I know that people come and go in our lives. I know that is just a part of life and the price of relationships. But I also know… it sucks! Saying goodbye to friends as life moves us forward is just another type of loss… one that almost everyone has gone through at some point in time.

I have spent a lifetime moving – 15 times (so far) to be exact. Believe me when I tell you that saying goodbye is one of my least favorite things. And this past week, that is exactly what I have had to do…

Bruce and I lived in this home for less than 2 years when he passed away. In that time, we knew a few of our immediate neighbors on a first name basis. We would wave and maybe even talk if we were all outside at the same time. In the last month of Bruce’s life, we even went to a few parties with our neighbors. However, we were just beginning to get aquainted… I could never have imagined what these people would come to mean to me in such a short time.

I remember when Bruce passed away, I didn’t even have their phone numbers. I had to send my son to their homes to tell them the news. I didn’t expect anything; I just thought they should know. It felt as if they were at my door immediately, bringing gifts, phone numbers and asking what they could do. I was so surprised.
Since that time, one of these neighbors in particular has become my second family. They have been so wonderful and supportive as I moved through this grief journey. Never once did they tell me what to do or how to feel, but they were always available.

These two people have spent the last 3 years watching out for me as if I were their own. If there was a strange car in the driveway or someone in my yard, they were here in the blink of an eye to find out who and why. They know my kids and welcome them in to their home, as well. (In fact, my grandson calls them his “buddies.”)

When something here was broken or needed to be fixed, they took care of it for me without a word. They watched my pets when I was gone, and (definitely) spoiled them more than I ever would. They taught me how to take care of the plants in my yard, which ignited a love for gardening.

When it was time to go through Bruce’s things, she was the one by my side the whole time. I knew when I was having a hard day and couldn’t even open my door to acknowledge the world, they would notice. They were always quick to see if I needed a hug, or a visit, or a meal.

If a holiday was coming up, they always made sure I had a plan… or assured me that I was welcome to join them. At Halloween, that meant a Chili dinner at their house before the Trick-or-Treaters started coming. This past Easter, they even gave me my very own Easter basket, complete with a chocolate bunny.

These wonderful friends have fed me, listened to me, hugged me, loved me and included me in family celebrations. You name it, they have done it… and everytime they have done it with simple love.

For three years, they have been my solid anchor here at home… my up-close-and-personal support network. When I have felt all alone, I have known without a doubt, I wasn’t – they were only a few steps away. Every Sunday afternoon, I was there… just to chat or spend time with them doing absolutely nothing.

I know this hasn’t been a one-sided friendship. I have “been there” for them, as well. Yet, I can’t help feeling as if the little bit I have done for them is so minimal when compared to all they have added to my life.

A few months ago, while there for my “Sunday visit,” they told me they were moving back “home” to Missouri where they still have siblings, cousins and other extended family. At this point in their life, they know they want to be closer to their family. I get it… I totally understand. This is a good thing for them, and I am happy for them… But for me, I cried.

Last weekend as we said our final goodbyes, I cried again… Actually, I cried a lot. It was the moment I have been dreading since they told they were leaving. I felt like I was five years old again… I told her that if I didn’t hug her, she couldn’t go… Then, I hugged her anyway. In fact, I hugged her so long and so hard, I’m sure she thought I would never let go… and we both cried. Her poor husband had to take her by the hand and physically separate us in order to get out the door.

Saying goodbye to friends is hard. I am sure you understand because it is a loss that most people have experienced at one time or another. For me, this is the first really big (definition: personal) loss since Bruce passed away. While I know we will keep in touch, I also know I will no longer be able to trot across the street on Sunday afternoons to just hang out with people who love me… just as I am.

I know this is a really good move for them… and to that end, I am happy for them. But, for me, this adjustment is going to be hard. Now when I turn the corner onto my street and look in their driveway, it is empty, and my heart breaks.

I love these two people… I will miss their friendship, companionship and all the love they have added to my life.

While I pray that God will bless both our paths as we move forward in this world, I still hate goodbyes.

If you have experienced loss, you have probably been through this, too. This is our community, please share your story with us. Feel free to share your thoughts and experiences by going to the comments and leaving a note.*

Maybe you did something different… There is no one right answer. Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.