Hey! Guess what!… I can’t even begin to tell you how many times Bruce and I said that (or some version thereof) to each other through the years. Sometimes it was followed by some random tidbit from our day, but more than likely it was followed by some kind of incredible news.
I can remember him saying it when he had made reservations for a vacation or a romantic dinner. He used it to tell about each home DIY project he had started or completed, or when he had done a repair on my car. I remember him using it when he bought my daughter her first snowboard and taught her how to use it. I even remember him using it to tell me when he landed his job in Florida. However, the best memory of him using that phrase was the very, first time I heard him say it. It was my first trip to Michigan, and he was in the middle of cooking us dinner. Next thing I knew, he was on the phone with his folks when I heard him say, “Hey! Guess what… Remember that lady I told you about? The one I met on the cruise? Well, she’s here!”
And I used it too…
I used it when I bought presents for him… or us… or the house. I used it when I landed my job in Michigan… And for each raise and promotion in my career. I remember the very, first time I used it with him, as well. We had met about 6 weeks before, and both knew we wanted to get back together face-to-face to see if what we thought we felt was actually real… “Hey! Guess what I just did! I booked a trip to fly up and see you!” Yep… the same trip I mentioned before.
Like I said, “more than likely it was followed by some kind of incredible news.” (At least, it was incredible to us.) And so many of these experiences were followed by hugs, praise, champagne… celebrations – some personal and intimate and others loud and boisterous… Whatever the occasion called for!
Surely, most of you know what I am talking about… The joy that comes from sharing good news with the person we love. However, death throws a wrench into that… So, what happens when that person is no longer there? Well, for me, that has been a hard adjustment…
I can’t even begin to tell you how many times over the last 6 years, when something incredible has happened, the first thing that goes through my head is “I can’t wait to tell Bruce!” … Then, I remember… He’s gone… I can’t tell him.
Sometimes I remember instantly, and other times it takes a little bit of time for it to sink in again. That’s hard… Sometimes I can share it with someone else, and that is wonderful. However, there are just as many times when I don’t because I’m afraid it would sound too much like bragging. So, I hold it in and celebrate quietly in my heart. (I’m sure you know what I mean.)
Well, this week held one of those “guess what” moments for me…
I spent the majority of last year fighting a battle I never saw coming. It was exactly a year ago that I was diagnosed with breast cancer, and the hardest part of that battle was doing it without Bruce. This week I had my first mammogram since all the cancer treatments ended. The day started with blood work and a mammogram and ended with an office visit with my oncologist.
It was during that visit I received the best news… “Cured” … That was the word she used, and I could have floated out the door! I have assumed for the past few months that the cancer was gone. After all the treatments, how in the world could it possibly still be there? However, I also knew there was always a chance I was wrong. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be there, would I? … And let me tell you, there was something amazing and validating about hearing her say that word!
Immediately, I thought, “I can’t wait to tell Bruce!” And just as immediately, I remembered, “No, I won’t… I can’t.”
Then, something else dawned on me… In my heart, I always feel like he is here – beside me… watching over me. People might say it is all in my head, but I would argue that it isn’t… And if I am right, then that means, he knows…
So instead, I used a phrase which I have started using more and more… In my mind, I smiled and thought, “Guess what, Babe… Did you hear that? WE DID IT! It’s gone!”
Is this something I can share with anyone? Of course, it is… And of course, I did. I blasted it on Face Book, and people are wonderfully joyous with me. However, this is also one of those things that only my closest friends and family, (those who walked beside me through it all), can understand the enormity of that word and how much it meant to me.
Not having Bruce beside me physically throughout this journey was hard. From the “I hate to tell you, but you have cancer” to the “I am so happy to say you are cured” felt like a surreal dream – an impossible journey. I’m embarrassed to say there were even times I was angry with Bruce for leaving me here to do it alone…
But each time, there was a still, small voice reminding me that I was not alone… I have never been alone… I have been surrounded by family and friends… My faith tells me my God is beside me…
… And my heart tells me Bruce is here too.
So, guess what! … We did it!
What about you? Do you have those moments when you can’t wait to tell your loved one some piece of fantastic news only to realize in the next breath that will never happen? Do you ever struggle with how to handle that? If so, you’re not alone… We all know this journey is hard, but it is even harder to bear alone. I believe we are in this together. None of us are alone, because we have each other. Please feel free to reach out and share your story or thoughts. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note. * Who knows? Your story may the answer for someone else.
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