When we were together,
The idea of spending the rest of our life together
Didn’t seem long enough.
Now, the idea of spending the rest of my life without him
Seems impossibly long.
~ Linda, 2013
I spent last weekend doing something for me… I went to a spiritual meditation retreat. It was a lovely experience with a wonderful wide range of people and thoughts. There were casual conversations, intense discussions, and a lot of practical application. I have come away with a lot of practical tips and so much to ponder.
In one conversation early in the weekend, I connected with another widow, as we discussed our own grief journeys. We all know that each of us will experience grief differently, and I find it interesting and helpful to hear and learn from others on this path. In our conversation, I struggled to keep my emotions in check as I talked about Bruce. Yet, my new friend seemed to be fine. She clearly missed her spouse and was sad about his loss, but emotionally, she seemed to have it all together.
I wasn’t critical of that… far from it… I was in awe… maybe even a little jealous. She has been on this path less time than me… Yet, she seemed so far ahead. How could I get where she is emotionally? I had no idea, so I asked. Her answer was simple… ”That was his path – not mine. My path is still in front of me.”
WOW! It is crazy how sometimes truth that is so simple evades us… That is until it hits us right between the eyes. Her statement is true… I have often written about how thankful I am that Bruce did not die alone. I was there… I held him… I loved him… I still do. That was his path… and mine, in that moment… but that moment is gone. I know that, and while I believe she is right, I am struggling to live like I believe it. I am still struggling with the hurt and the pain of losing him. I am struggling because the path I thought I was on included Bruce, but that path ended…
So, how do I continue on my path…
I once heard someone say that unresolved grief is like being tethered… That is also true… And I believe that whatever we are tethered to is probably different for each of us. So, I guess that has become my first step – figuring out why I am allowing myself to remain tethered here… What it is I am afraid to let go of… and why?
I have talked about it with those I love and have continued to ponder this all week. Admittedly, I’m still working on it. However, I have come up with a few things.
Basically, at the core of the issue is fear. Fear of losing my connection with Bruce… I don’t want to miss the signs that let me know he is still close by and I am not alone. Fear of forgetting him – who he was, what his voice sounded like, what his face looked like when he smiled at me. Fear of forgetting who we were as a couple – our easy conversation, the gentleness and acceptance between us, our love that filled us both with security and confidence.
These were the things that (for me) felt unique, new, and special. These were the things that added color to my world. These were the things that lit up our world and made our path together so clear. These were the things that were missing from my world before Bruce. So, maybe, then, it makes sense that these are also the things I (still) miss now.
Which leads me to the part I am still working on…
Is it really my tears and grief that connect me to Bruce… or is the love and experiences we shared?
Do I need to keep crying over what is lost… or can I still claim it… without the tears, since it is a part of my path?
Can I live my life without feeling guilty that I am still here, and he isn’t?
Sometimes the most difficult battle is the one within ourselves… And this is where I am today. As I write this, I don’t have the answers. I am searching… and growing… and I do believe that the simple fact that I am delving into this is a positive step on my journey.
I am not sure where my path will lead me. (None of us are.) Yet, I want to find that space where I am grateful for what was, accepting of what is, and excited about what is ahead.
I smile again…
Slow at first…
A little awkward.
Then, quickly I shut it down.
Soon I am smiling again…
A little longer…
A little bigger.
One day I will smile like I smiled before…
Full of life and love.
~ Linda, 2014
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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. This year, my goal is to simply ‘be’… Be me, be kind, be compassionate, be loving, be hopeful… to just ‘be’ and to be comfortable with that… however it looks.
Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.
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