Earlier this week, someone close to my heart sent me an article written by someone recently widowed. The accuracy of it was absolutely heartbreaking. To be suddenly taken back to those early days and all of the raw feelings and emotions… Well, I caught myself crying halfway through the first paragraph.
There were several situations that he wrote about that touched my heart so deeply that I wanted to about them here… Maybe just to say, “Don’t give up. While it doesn’t completely go away, it does get better… It just takes a while.”
One of the first things the author wrote about was the new title we are given, “widower” in his case, “widow” in mine. It feels like such an awful word at first. I can remember the exact moment when I realized it now belonged to me… It was just a week of so after Bruce died, and I was in the drugstore picking up cosmetics (or shampoo or something equally mundane). In the aisle ahead of me, I saw two elderly women walking together and talking. To myself I thought, “They’re probably widows… out together. That is what a widow looks like.” Then I caught a glimpse of my own reflection in a glass case as I passed, and realized, “No… That is what a widow looks like.” Then, as the tears started to roll down my cheeks, I said out loud to myself, “You are a widow.”
That led to the writer’s next thought, which was all about “losing who you are. Just as he portrayed it – you go to bed one night as “you” (part of a two-some). Then in a breath everything changes… Suddenly, you wake up and half of “you” is just gone. It feels impossible to find your footing when your whole world has changed. Suddenly this person who knew you inside and out, who shared your world and slept by your side day in, and day out is gone… vanished…
I know for me, there were so many days those first few years when the pain was so bad my chest literally hurt… So often I sat on the floor in the middle of our home – cursing God while at the same time begging him to let me wake up from this horrible nightmare!
But… time has passed… More than eight years actually, and with the passage of time my world has taken on a new form… No, not one I would have chosen for myself, but one I have learned to lived within. For example, …
The word “widow” … I don’t mind saying I’m a widow these days. In fact, I actually use it a lot. Sometimes it is my “security blanket” with the rest of the world… It says so much to the world that I don’t have the energy (nor do I want) to explain. For example, when I buy something for my home, I am often asked if they should be talking to my husband or will I need assistance with installation? Usually, I just look at them and say, “I’m a widow,” and those comments end right there. That’s it. I don’t have to explain a thing… For me, it’s kind of nice not needing to say anything more.
Then, there is the “losing who you are” piece of the situation. Yes… you do. There’s no avoiding it. However, after a while (perhaps a long while), you find out who you are all on your own… You might even find you like yourself and want to know yourself better. I still miss Bruce, and being alone has its challenges, but over all I have learned to be content with myself… And that is something I have sought after my whole life. So, while I lost who I was… I am learning to be happy with who I am… And I have chosen to make that a good thing… Although it has taken me a long time to get here.
Bottom line – I miss Bruce. I hate that he is gone. He changed my world and continues to do so every day. Because of him, I have had the tools I needed to survive this journey (so far). I have come to learn that this journey has a lesson built into every step and every breath. Thank you for the opportunity to share those with you. For all of us, it is easy to feel like this journey is nothing more than a very lonely path, especially since it is so different for each of us. Yet, our love for those we have lost is something we all share. Sharing our stories is important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.
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