Tag: more than survival

Peace, Love, and Grief – Still Can’t Say Good-by

“You wandered down the lane and far away,
Leaving me a song that will not die.”
~ Nat King Cole, Stardust

Friday was the day… The eleventh year marking Bruce’s passing. I mentioned last week that I have been in some very intense therapy and was hoping for a different (aka less depressing) day… Overall, I have to say that it was. I was sad. There were some tears… but the overwhelming depression and guilt at not being able to save him that awful night were not a part of the day. (Thank you, God, for that much-needed miracle.)

In the past, I have always taken the day off work knowing how my emotions tend to run on this day, but not this year. This year, I worked – albeit from home, but I worked. Our office is undergoing major growth and change. We are in the middle of a (wonderful but difficult) storm, and all hands are needed on deck. So, between the faith in my latest therapy and the understanding of the situational needs of the office, I stuck with it… And (thankfully), I was okay… For the first year since Bruce’s death, I can honestly say that I was okay.

Sure, there were some hard moments where I had to send my class on a short break while I took a few deep breaths to regather myself… And, lovingly, while I worked, I had a dear friend who came and sat on my couch just to be there whenever I needed a hug or a few words of encouragement.

After work, we “celebrated the dash between the dates”. She listened as I shared story after story, and we toasted Bruce – his love and the legacy he left behind. Then, like a true friend with love and compassion, she stayed for a couple more nights… Still encouraging me to talk and filter through all the emotions I still feel.

One thing I realized is that no matter how many years pass, I still love him… I still miss him… And I still can’t quite seem to say good-bye. I cling to the belief that we will see each other again, and that his spirit and energy are still a part of my world… In fact, as long as I can remember him, he is not really gone even though we are apart.

“High up in the sky, the little stars climb –
Always reminding me that we’re apart.”
~ Nat King Cole, Stardust

I’m not sure if (or how) anyone is ever truly able to completely let go of the ones they love, whether we lose them to death or distance or estrangement or any of a number of reasons. For my experience, love is eternal. It is not a switch to turn on and off. It is as real and true and as eternal as the universe itself.

So …

Dear Bruce,
I remember the night you died. I immediately found myself looking ahead and thinking about all those years facing me without you. So many times, throughout the day, I think about how tired I am of living this life without you. I miss that feeling of complete joy (instead of this constant feeling of complete pain). I still miss you so very much and my heart is still shattered. This year is better than the past years, but I am still struggling a little bit at accepting that you are truly gone… I still struggle with telling you good-bye. You brought me pure joy, and I will always be grateful for experiencing that – even if it was for such a short time. Thank you, Babe! I love you… I can’t seem to stop… I guess, I will always love you!

“Though I dream in vain.
In my heart it will remain.
My stardust melody –
A memory of love’s refrain.”
~ Nat King Cole, Stardust

Stardust – Nat King Cole (youtube.com)
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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love, and Grief – Another Year

Is it really 2024? … Has another year really passed? It is so hard to believe… Sometimes it seems like Bruce just died yesterday, and other times I am terrified that with the passage of so much time, I will forget the sound of his voice, his mischievous grin or the kindness in his eyes.

This week I have reflected on all that happened and all that I learned in 2023. I have also been watching the days on the calendar tick by as the anniversary of Bruce’s death approaches in less than a week. I know I did a lot of work on myself in 2023… even my family has mentioned the differences… but is it enough to see me through this upcoming day that seems to always haunt me.

Over 20 years ago, I was diagnosed with PTSD. This year, my therapist and I made the decision to take my therapy to another level, and truly focus on reprocessing the traumatic events that created that response in me. While I still have a lot of work to do, I am already so happy with the results. I am more self-assured, and much more emotionally regulated and grounded… Also, for the first time in my entire life, I actually understand what a boundary is and how to establish and maintain my own. (Something I have never been able to do before for a multitude of reasons.)

Bruce’s death was one of the first traumatic events we tackled. Knowing that this season is always hard for me, and I wanted to do more than merely survive this year… and I have (so far). Sure, I am still sad that Bruce isn’t here. Absolutely, I would give anything to have him here beside me – laughing or arguing… It wouldn’t matter… Just to have him here again will always be something I long for.

The difference, though, is that I no longer blame myself for not being able to save him that night. The difference is I am not beating myself up or looking for someone/thing to blame and choosing myself as the “bad guy”. I still hate that Bruce is gone, but I don’t hate myself for the fact that he is gone. I miss him with my whole heart, but I no longer feel the despair that was always here in the depths of my soul.

I guess what I’m saying is… I still grieve his loss, but it is no longer in control… And that is more relief than I ever thought possible.

How will I be this week with the anniversary of his death? I have no idea. This is completely new territory for me. However, I can say that in this moment, I am okay.

We all have our demons that we need to face, and until we do, they have the potential to take over and control our whole world without us ever being fully aware of it. For example, I was diagnosed with PTSD before the end of my 1st marriage. Then, there have been other events through the years that just seemed to get piled on top of that situation. I have been in talk therapy for a long time, but progress was slower than slow. Throughout the years, I had no idea how much impact those past events were having on every single aspect of my life.

The only relief I have ever felt from that was when I was with Bruce. Not that I had dealt with any of it, but his unconditional love, as well as his faith in me and strength of character were contagious. I couldn’t help but respond positively to all of that. There were still times when I had flashbacks or woke up terrified from a nightmare from the past or reacted in terror to threats from my ex. Overall, until now, those few years were probably my most healthy (emotionally). But when he died, I lost all of that… I was back at square one all over again.

This year, though, I finally feel even healthier than that… Because this time, the strength I feel is coming from within. This time I am building my own tools for emotional health… I am putting in the hard work. Each time I relive and reprocess another trauma from my past, I feel a small victory. Each time I know I am getting a little bit stronger (aka – healthier).

Last year, my word was “be” … Be me, be kind, be compassionate, be loving, be hopeful… to just ‘be’ and to be comfortable with that… however it looked. That word guided my actions, including the decision to ramp up on the therapy. I still love this word, and I believe I am finally arriving to a space where I am comfortable being me… (And if I am honest, I didn’t believe I would ever be able to do that.)

So, what is my word for this year? What is my new goal as I face another year which begins with the anniversary of Bruce’s death?

This year, my focus is on the word “create” … To know that “I create change, connections, and health when I ——-“. (Fill in the blank with whatever affirmation or action I need in order to face whatever is before me.) My goal to “create” in 2024 is about all the possibilities out there, waiting for me to explore, in order to create the “best me” in each moment.

I have no idea what tomorrow or this week or 2024 will hold… none of us do. Life is a moment by moment experience… and I simply want to reach a point where I can love and enjoy life while being proud of who I am and the part I play in this world… whether Bruce is physically by my side or a loving energy in my heart.
________________________________________________________

Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.
Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love, and Grief… It’s Not Always About Survival

It’s funny how life just keeps plugging along no matter what… The last few months have found me readjusting once again to a different life now that my daughter and grandson have moved out. It’s just feels weird sometimes – so different from the last few years of constant companionship and life with a little boy. I smile, though, watching their new family bond grow deeper with each passing day… (And knowing they are just up the road, doesn’t hurt either.)

At times, though, I am reminded of the time after Bruce died when I had to adjust to living alone. It was so different then. First of all, it was all so completely unexpected. One night we were laughing and making plans, and within just a few, short hours, he was gone. The suddenness of that loss was more than my mind (and heart) could manage. At the time, I wanted to badly to “grieve well” … I wanted to heal and move on (whatever that meant).

My desperation to wake up from this nightmare and my struggle to accept reality were completely at odds with each other. I didn’t want to be mad… I didn’t want to cry all the time… I didn’t want to feel the way I felt.

At first, it was strictly about survival… Getting up and facing each day… Going through the motions of life, such as working, eating, sleeping, and breathing. Each thing I had to do seemed to take all of my energy. There was nothing left to think about what might be next. It was strictly a matter of surviving each moment before moving to the next.

Brene Brown says that when we try to numb the “hard” feelings, we end up numbing everything… She is right! I am pretty sure that is exactly what happened during the first few years. In an effort to control the utter anguish I was feeling, I ended up turning off everything… It was the only way to survive. I remember walking around as in a fog, and in the moments when I let myself feel anything, I felt it all… There was no middle ground… During that time, it was definitely “all or nothing.”

Slowly, after working with a wonderful coach, I learned how to manage all those big emotions a little bit at a time. I wasn’t doing great, but I was definitely doing better. Then, I was blessed to have my daughter and grandson move in. Suddenly, I wasn’t alone… and life wasn’t about me. It felt good to invest in someone else for a while. The healing that happened during the years they lived here was miraculous at a minimum. I am so grateful for that time and all I learned.

Now, I find myself on the other side of that temporary arrangement, but things are different this time…

This time, I don’t feel abandoned or lonely. Three of my four children live nearby. We talk and visit quite often. (Those are the things that make me smile the most.) Also, during the time they were living here, I found myself pursuing my own spiritual awakening and path. So now, when those waves of grief appear (and they still do), I have that relationship to give me solace.

This morning, I was blessed to meet up with a friend for breakfast. We had such a great time – talking, laughing, and just chatting. While we sat there, I realized something else…. I have always known I am an introvert, and I tend to just keep to myself. Since Bruce died, though, I have done it more and more… probably because it feels safe. However, the fun I had this morning made me think… Perhaps, now is a good time for me to stretch again… To get out and do things – fun things… To make new friends and reconnect with old friends…

While somedays life really is about survival, it doesn’t have to be that way all the time. When Bruce died, I thought my life was over too… In some ways, I wanted it to be… I couldn’t imagine a future without him. But now… Well, I miss him… But I want to enjoy this life I still have. I know that Covid will present a bit of a challenge right now, that’s okay. I can still learn to find things that bring peace to my soul… I’m not sure what that will look like, but for today, I am content to learn that breakfast with a friend can be just as good for my soul as spending a quiet afternoon on the porch.

Thank you for the opportunity to share my story with you today. I know that sometimes this journey can feel so lonely. Yet, there are other times when I know I am not alone at all. We are here for each other. While this journey holds its own challenges and peace-filled moments for each of us, it is our love for those we have lost that brings us together to this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you. Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.