“You wandered down the lane and far away,
Leaving me a song that will not die.”
~ Nat King Cole, Stardust
Friday was the day… The eleventh year marking Bruce’s passing. I mentioned last week that I have been in some very intense therapy and was hoping for a different (aka less depressing) day… Overall, I have to say that it was. I was sad. There were some tears… but the overwhelming depression and guilt at not being able to save him that awful night were not a part of the day. (Thank you, God, for that much-needed miracle.)
In the past, I have always taken the day off work knowing how my emotions tend to run on this day, but not this year. This year, I worked – albeit from home, but I worked. Our office is undergoing major growth and change. We are in the middle of a (wonderful but difficult) storm, and all hands are needed on deck. So, between the faith in my latest therapy and the understanding of the situational needs of the office, I stuck with it… And (thankfully), I was okay… For the first year since Bruce’s death, I can honestly say that I was okay.
Sure, there were some hard moments where I had to send my class on a short break while I took a few deep breaths to regather myself… And, lovingly, while I worked, I had a dear friend who came and sat on my couch just to be there whenever I needed a hug or a few words of encouragement.
After work, we “celebrated the dash between the dates”. She listened as I shared story after story, and we toasted Bruce – his love and the legacy he left behind. Then, like a true friend with love and compassion, she stayed for a couple more nights… Still encouraging me to talk and filter through all the emotions I still feel.
One thing I realized is that no matter how many years pass, I still love him… I still miss him… And I still can’t quite seem to say good-bye. I cling to the belief that we will see each other again, and that his spirit and energy are still a part of my world… In fact, as long as I can remember him, he is not really gone even though we are apart.
“High up in the sky, the little stars climb –
Always reminding me that we’re apart.”
~ Nat King Cole, Stardust
I’m not sure if (or how) anyone is ever truly able to completely let go of the ones they love, whether we lose them to death or distance or estrangement or any of a number of reasons. For my experience, love is eternal. It is not a switch to turn on and off. It is as real and true and as eternal as the universe itself.
So …
Dear Bruce,
I remember the night you died. I immediately found myself looking ahead and thinking about all those years facing me without you. So many times, throughout the day, I think about how tired I am of living this life without you. I miss that feeling of complete joy (instead of this constant feeling of complete pain). I still miss you so very much and my heart is still shattered. This year is better than the past years, but I am still struggling a little bit at accepting that you are truly gone… I still struggle with telling you good-bye. You brought me pure joy, and I will always be grateful for experiencing that – even if it was for such a short time. Thank you, Babe! I love you… I can’t seem to stop… I guess, I will always love you!
“Though I dream in vain.
In my heart it will remain.
My stardust melody –
A memory of love’s refrain.”
~ Nat King Cole, Stardust
Stardust – Nat King Cole (youtube.com)
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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.
Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.
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