Is it really 2024? … Has another year really passed? It is so hard to believe… Sometimes it seems like Bruce just died yesterday, and other times I am terrified that with the passage of so much time, I will forget the sound of his voice, his mischievous grin or the kindness in his eyes.
This week I have reflected on all that happened and all that I learned in 2023. I have also been watching the days on the calendar tick by as the anniversary of Bruce’s death approaches in less than a week. I know I did a lot of work on myself in 2023… even my family has mentioned the differences… but is it enough to see me through this upcoming day that seems to always haunt me.
Over 20 years ago, I was diagnosed with PTSD. This year, my therapist and I made the decision to take my therapy to another level, and truly focus on reprocessing the traumatic events that created that response in me. While I still have a lot of work to do, I am already so happy with the results. I am more self-assured, and much more emotionally regulated and grounded… Also, for the first time in my entire life, I actually understand what a boundary is and how to establish and maintain my own. (Something I have never been able to do before for a multitude of reasons.)
Bruce’s death was one of the first traumatic events we tackled. Knowing that this season is always hard for me, and I wanted to do more than merely survive this year… and I have (so far). Sure, I am still sad that Bruce isn’t here. Absolutely, I would give anything to have him here beside me – laughing or arguing… It wouldn’t matter… Just to have him here again will always be something I long for.
The difference, though, is that I no longer blame myself for not being able to save him that night. The difference is I am not beating myself up or looking for someone/thing to blame and choosing myself as the “bad guy”. I still hate that Bruce is gone, but I don’t hate myself for the fact that he is gone. I miss him with my whole heart, but I no longer feel the despair that was always here in the depths of my soul.
I guess what I’m saying is… I still grieve his loss, but it is no longer in control… And that is more relief than I ever thought possible.
How will I be this week with the anniversary of his death? I have no idea. This is completely new territory for me. However, I can say that in this moment, I am okay.
We all have our demons that we need to face, and until we do, they have the potential to take over and control our whole world without us ever being fully aware of it. For example, I was diagnosed with PTSD before the end of my 1st marriage. Then, there have been other events through the years that just seemed to get piled on top of that situation. I have been in talk therapy for a long time, but progress was slower than slow. Throughout the years, I had no idea how much impact those past events were having on every single aspect of my life.
The only relief I have ever felt from that was when I was with Bruce. Not that I had dealt with any of it, but his unconditional love, as well as his faith in me and strength of character were contagious. I couldn’t help but respond positively to all of that. There were still times when I had flashbacks or woke up terrified from a nightmare from the past or reacted in terror to threats from my ex. Overall, until now, those few years were probably my most healthy (emotionally). But when he died, I lost all of that… I was back at square one all over again.
This year, though, I finally feel even healthier than that… Because this time, the strength I feel is coming from within. This time I am building my own tools for emotional health… I am putting in the hard work. Each time I relive and reprocess another trauma from my past, I feel a small victory. Each time I know I am getting a little bit stronger (aka – healthier).
Last year, my word was “be” … Be me, be kind, be compassionate, be loving, be hopeful… to just ‘be’ and to be comfortable with that… however it looked. That word guided my actions, including the decision to ramp up on the therapy. I still love this word, and I believe I am finally arriving to a space where I am comfortable being me… (And if I am honest, I didn’t believe I would ever be able to do that.)
So, what is my word for this year? What is my new goal as I face another year which begins with the anniversary of Bruce’s death?
This year, my focus is on the word “create” … To know that “I create change, connections, and health when I ——-“. (Fill in the blank with whatever affirmation or action I need in order to face whatever is before me.) My goal to “create” in 2024 is about all the possibilities out there, waiting for me to explore, in order to create the “best me” in each moment.
I have no idea what tomorrow or this week or 2024 will hold… none of us do. Life is a moment by moment experience… and I simply want to reach a point where I can love and enjoy life while being proud of who I am and the part I play in this world… whether Bruce is physically by my side or a loving energy in my heart.
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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.
Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.
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