“People think I have survived your leaving. What they don’t understand is that I have to relearn how to survive each day. Because each day you’re still gone.” ~ Unknown
I came across this quote a few weeks ago, and I can’t seem to let it go… The truth within it keeps it playing over and over in my mind. Last week I touched on this when I said that most people who have met me in the last few years aren’t even aware of mine and Bruce’s relationship. Oh, they know I was married, and they know his name was Bruce… But the relationship? They have no clue what that was like or how I was back then… They have no idea how hard losing him has been, or how I have changed since he died.
In their mind, (and I believe in most people’s minds) I have survived this loss, and life has moved on… But honestly, it hasn’t. In fact, I believe most people would be surprised to know I still hurt, and I still cry. Sure, I have learned to laugh and enjoy life again. However, that is because I have learned to push the sadness back. I learned to keep my emotions to myself. If and when I need to cry, I do that when I am alone… Even my closest friends and family rarely see that side of me.
Is that the best thing to do? Keep it in? I don’t know. Probably not, but I can’t live my whole life sad and crying. I want to enjoy my life… So, for now, I have to put those emotions up on a shelf most of the time so I can smile and live and appreciate all the people around me. However, even though I am ignoring them, I still know those emotions are there. The pain of his loss is still very real. I still wake up every morning and am reminded that Bruce is gone, and I am here… alone. Some days that is harder to handle than others… I don’t know why… It just is.
I also know it’s not healthy or realistic to hold that inside all the time. I know I need to get those emotions out every now and then, even if that means finding some space alone and letting myself cry. It’s not an everyday thing or even every week thing, but there are still times when the emotions bubble over, and I know…
These last few months have been stressful, and the past few weeks even more so. I would give anything to have Bruce here. He exuded confidence and strength… Just being in his presence made me feel safe and secure. I have missed that. I haven’t really let myself cry though… not a big “let it all out” kind of cry… Not yet. I’ve shed a tear or two here and there. I’ve looked at his picture and wished more than anything he were here. I’ve talked to him and asked him to watch over us… To let me know he is around (and he does).
That being said, I know the “big” cry is coming. I can feel it… I need it. For the past few weeks, I have found myself just wanting to let go… Needing to let go… Resenting myself for holding it in and needing to give myself permission to give in and let it out. It is reaching the point where I would do anything to feel better… even cry.
Life moves on.
Time passes.
But my heart stands still.
Lost in a space
Where I can still hear your voice:
Where your smile still greets mine;
Frozen in this space
Where you should be…
But you aren’t.
~ Linda, January 2020
These past few weeks have been a hard for all of us… Not just for me, but for this nation as a whole. We have all had to dig deep and decide what we stand for… Which means it has also been a week of questions and insecurities… For me, that is one of many triggers for missing Bruce. But I also know that we all have known pain and we all need to be heard and understood. What are your triggers? How are you dealing with the deep emotions all around us these days? What do you need us to hear today? What do you need us to understand? We would love to hear your story and share a virtual hug. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. * Who knows… your story may the answer for someone else.
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