Through this blog I have met (both virtually and physically) many other widows. The conversation each time is eerily similar to the topics discussed here… While my experience is mine, it is also very similar to thousands of other widows’ (and widowers’) experiences… That is one of the reasons I started writing this… I needed to know and I wanted others to know that we are not alone… Our experiences are more “normal” than one could have ever imagined.
While I have gotten better at ignoring it, I have found over the past several years there is one consistent theme which can be very frustrating… The idea that after a certain amount of time has passed, we shouldn’t be sad. This can be worded several different ways, and I have written about those before… I have heard everything from the direct, “Don’t be sad…”
“… You’re not the only one to ever lose someone.”
“… He’s in a better place.”
“… You know you can choose to feel better or have a better attitude.”
“… It looks weak.”
“… Be strong.”
“… What will others think?”
To the craziest one, “You have to stop being sad, because I (the other person) can’t handle it anymore.”
In the beginning, these phrases made me nuts… maybe even angry at times. I was grieving. I was sad. Why couldn’t people understand that and simply walk beside me for a while? A genuine, caring hug could go such a long way, but the only people who seemed to understand that were those who had walked this journey before me…
As time has passed, I have come to realize that this reaction most likely stems from several things, but the two main components seem to be: 1 – They haven’t been where I am and have absolutely no frame of reference for the pain; 2 – It is a real struggle for them to watch someone they love hurt so intensely, while knowing they can’t fix it.
In other words, it is a response born out of desperation and fear. I can actually understand that… That makes sense to me. I believe they aren’t as frustrated with me as with their own inability to “make it better.”
What they don’t realize (and why it hurts so badly on this end) is these responses feel as if they invalidate our pain and our loss. Plus, there is something else they don’t realize… Something it took me years to realize…
Even when you get to the point where your grief is not the only emotion in your world… Even when you have learned to smile again, you realize that just because you are not sad all the time, doesn’t necessarily mean you are happy. Simply put, despite what we learned as children, the opposite of sad is not necessarily happy. This particular journey in life is a bit different… It shakes you down to your core and changes you in ways you can’t understand.
So, I propose something I learned from a Harvard psychology professor… “The opposite of sad may not be happy. It may simply be ‘not sad.’” Happy, on the other hand, is a completely different emotion, and its opposite may be “not happy.”
I’m sure there are some people who might argue this. However, there are also a few who will understand… and most of those will be those of us who have actually experienced the grief of deep loss.
Before I lost Bruce, “happy” was my norm. Now, “happy” is an experience… “Neutral” seems to be my norm most of the time… a quiet, peaceful enjoyment of the people around me… For me, that is my opposite of sad.
While I am sure there are those who don’t understand or agree… Since “neutral” is not “happy,” they might interpret it as “sad.” Perhaps, they have trouble understanding this because they want us to be as we were before. However, I can never be as I was before… I can’t un-feel this pain that has reshaped my life.
I am still me, but I am different now. Bruce will always be a part of me… and a part of me will always grieve his loss. For me, I have found that the opposite of sad has been simply learning to open my heart to other emotions…
It is learning to be at peace with “what is” rather than grieving for “what was.”
There is a peace that comes with acceptance.
And a love that is always remembered.
~ Linda, September 2013
What about you? Did you or have you struggled with other’s reaction to your loss? How did you come to terms with it? Or do you still need support in that area? Would you be willing to share your story or your thoughts?
Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*
This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief
* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you!