There are so many experiences and emotions contained in the experience of grief. Sometimes the idea that this little five-letter word contains so much within it is mind boggling.
Before Bruce died, I hadn’t had a lot of experience with grief. I didn’t grow up with pets. My grandparents had died in recent years, and while I was sad, they were older with health issues, and it was not unexpected. Losing Bruce, though, was a shock to my entire system… A loss that shook me to my inner-most core.
There were many days in the beginning, (okay – most days in the beginning), when I could not even begin to comprehend what had happened. The pain I felt was so great, I did not want to be here… not without him… not on my own. Surely if God was loving and merciful, he would take me too… Surely, he would understand that I couldn’t do this. For years, I just couldn’t shake the idea that this was a huge mistake.
To be honest, a lot of those same feelings still rattle my soul… even now. The only difference seems to be my ability to breathe and remind myself of all the good still surrounding me in this beautiful world of ours.
“Without you in my arms, I feel an emptiness in my soul.” ~ Nicholas Sparks, Message in a Bottle
That emptiness is a challenge – one I did not expect when Bruce died. Another thing I didn’t expect was the way I constantly found myself searching for Bruce whenever I was out. Big red semi-truck? Was he driving? White-haired muscular man standing a full head above the crowd? Was it Bruce?
Always, I was disappointed. Yet, I continued to look. It wasn’t on purpose. It wasn’t a conscious decision. It just was… and honestly, I can’t say it is really any different now.
A mannerism, a familiar haircut, a certain walk, or laugh, a certain type and color of truck or boat, a burgundy baseball cap, or even a certain beer… all of these things catch my eye and for a fraction of a second, my heart leaps – it’s him! It must be! …. Then, the ensuing disappointment, when the head turns, or I look into the face, and it isn’t him. There is no recognition or acknowledgement for either of us.
“I find myself searching the crowds for your face – I know it’s an impossibility, but I cannot help myself.” ~ Nicholas Sparks, Message in a Bottle
I don’t know why I do this to myself. I know it won’t be – can’t be him. Yet, my heart can do nothing else. I think my heart will always search for the familiar, and then, look twice to see if by some miracle, it is him. I don’t know how not to do this. It isn’t something I plan or think about, and I’m definitely not one to purposefully torture myself.
I have been doing this grief thing long enough to understand that my goals on this journey are not about forgetting or even resolving. Instead, my goal is to find a peaceful reconciliation with this life… and to be frank, I simply believe my soul will never know true peace until Bruce and I find each other again… in the next life.
“Death may indeed be final, but the love we share while living is eternal.” ~ D. Willimas, Jr
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Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.
Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.
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