“Don’t ‘should’ on others.” ~ David Kessler
This week, I was listening to a webinar with grief expert, David Kessler. (If you haven’t heard of him or listened to him before, I would recommend giving him a listen.) In the middle of the program, he made an off-handed comment saying, “Don’t ‘should’ on others.” At first, it made me laugh simply because I absolutely loved it! It made so much sense in the moment… and especially through so many moments this past week.
I’m sure most of us can relate, whether you are grieving or not, because as people, we tend to do it to each other. Have you ever heard someone or even found yourself thinking, “they should …” or “they shouldn’t …”? I have. I hate to admit it, but I have. I think it is fairly common to the human experience… We tend to judge others’ behavior based on what we would or wouldn’t do.
Then, when you apply it to grief, especially your own grief (with others judging you), it is extremely frustrating. I can’t tell you how many times I have heard someone ask me how long I plan to grieve. Really? Well, there are two responses I always want to give: 1. Well, how long will they be dead? That’s probably going to be your answer… And 2. There is no plan. Death happened. I wasn’t given an opportunity to plan for it. So, my “plan” is to simply figure it out as I go along.
So… Please, don’t tell me I “should” get over it… I “shouldn’t still be grieving… I “should” move on… I “shouldn’t” ____ or I “should” ___… (fill in the blanks with something that makes the speaker more comfortable).
Yet, that comfort level is exactly what I mean… When we use that term, we are usually judging someone else based on what we would do… Because what we would do is also what makes us the most comfortable… And I am as guilty of that as anyone else. (Not when it comes to grief, but definitely when it comes to other things.) It just took hearing it this week and having someone explain the why behind it for the lights to come on for me.
I hate to admit it… I hate that I have been known to do this, as well. Yet, understanding this has led me to a few new thought processes. For example, instead of being offended or upset when someone makes a comment about my own grief, I now know that they are really talking about themselves and their feelings. It isn’t about me – not really. I also know that I need to be more aware of my own judgements and looking closely at why I feel the need to “should” them at all.
As a result, when all is said and done, my goal going forward is to just let it all go – what others are saying I “should” do and what I find myself saying others “should” do… It’s just not kind or fair to any of us. Let’s all just assume we are doing the best we can, give each other some room to breathe, and let the rest go.
This grief journey has been one of the most difficult experiences I have ever had. It has broken me down to the roots of my soul and has taken me years to feel some semblance of “normal.” Yet at the same time, it has opened my eyes to so many things I never took the time to think about before now… And every time I find myself thanking Bruce in my heart for opening my eyes to one more thing and reminding me that I am not alone here. Sure, it can be easy to feel like this journey is nothing more than a very lonely path, especially since it is so different for each of us. Yet, our love for those we have lost is something we all share. I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.
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