As the Christmas season takes off with a bang, I find myself in a love/hate relationship with it… I go back and forth between excitement and joy for the season versus tears and sadness because Bruce isn’t here to share it… between feeling loved by my circle of family and friends versus overwhelming loneliness because the person I love is no longer here to by my side.
As we decorate our house or listen to Christmas music, each ornament and song stirs precious Christmas memories. When those memories circle around Bruce, I find myself either smiling… or crying. I never seem know which is coming… There doesn’t seem to be any rhyme or reason to any of it, (and it’s hard to control something you don’t understand). If I am with anyone else, then I really push myself to smile. I know this is a happy season, and the last thing anyone needs to deal with is my grief. But, whenever I am alone and the tears start, I let them come… At least for a little bit, because I need to let it out somehow.
While I don’t understand all the triggers, I know this – I am not alone, but I am lonely… and there is a huge difference.
Being alone refers to the number of people present… For example, one (just me) vs three (me plus the other people who live in my house). I have no problem being alone. I enjoy “me” time and seek it out at least once a week. However, I also enjoy having my daughter and grandson living here. I love their company, the laughter and relationships. I love the feelings of love and support which are a constant in this home. At this point, I am only alone when I choose to be alone… And I love knowing it is a choice.
For me, though, feeling lonely is something completely different… It is that feeling that there is something deep inside that is missing. I believe it is the longing for a specific relationship… One that was taken away without any warning… And to be completely honest, I DON’T LIKE IT! NOT ONE BIT! Even after all this time, I still don’t like it! I would still give absolutely anything to have Bruce back… even for just one more hour… one more moment together.
It is the longing for that relationship… for that person which makes me feel lonely. I believe there will always be a part of me in every moment that will long for Bruce. I know it sounds hokey to say “he completed me.” I know we should “be whole individuals” on our own… But I also know humans are relational. Rare is the person who goes through life absolutely alone (with no one else) and still remains happy. We need other people… We need deep, intimate relationships.
For me, Bruce was the person with whom I shared that deep intimate relationship. He knew and understood me… He knew things about me, no one else will ever know… And yet, he still loved me… I miss that… I miss the way we could share a look and know exactly what the other one was thinking. I miss his hugs and his gentle touch. I miss his smile when he was up to no good, and his laughter when life touched his soul. I miss looking into his eyes and seeing nothing but love in return. I miss the way he believed in me, and supported whatever adventure I wanted to pursue next. I miss all of this and so much more… I miss him…
And that is what makes me feel lonely.
So while there are others here who love me, and I love them, there will always be someone missing – Bruce. And for him, I will always feel lonely… There will always be a part of me, that is missing… a part that feels incomplete and lost.
Lately, I have been better at managing to keep my lonely moments to those times I am alone. However, I guess, this season of love and family also carries many triggers for that loneliness. I do know each year, this season holds more joy and fewer tears than the year before. However, I doubt I will ever get used to the idea of celebrating Christmas, (or living this life), without Bruce…
And even though I am not alone, and I am very loved, there will always be a part of me that is lonely… Please, be patient with me…
I miss you, Babe! <3
I am so thankful for this virtual group. Our support for each other always touches my heart, and I feel close to you through the experiences we share. Is there anyone else out there who is experiencing that loneliness I am talking about? Please share your thoughts and stories, so others will realize what they feel is normal too… We are all dealing with some extremely intense, emotional stuff, and none of us needs to handle this alone. Learning to navigate this journey is different for each of us. It brings its individual challenges and lessons. Through it we come to realize we are stronger than we thought we were. If any of this feels familiar, we are here, you are not alone. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *
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