Tag: touch

Peace, Love, and Grief… Love and Loneliness

Love and Loneliness… Those are two words we don’t often see together, right? Yet sometimes, the line between these two is a fine line…

I have always been a hugger. I love hugs. I love holding hands. I love snuggles. Physical touch speaks volumes to my soul… And kind, loving, physical touch brings me peace and makes me smile, because this is one of my “love languages”. *

Luckily, since Bruce and I had the same “love languages”, (touch and time), we fit… love and expressing love was easy between the two of us. We could sit for hours without speaking – just touching – and never say a word… never say “I love you”. Yet, we both felt totally and completely loved with each other.

Sometimes this looked like sitting on the beach with our pinkies linked, or riding in the car with his hand resting on my knee, or sitting on the couch holding hands, or snuggled up in bed each night. In fact, I don’t think either of us could walk past the other without a simple caress or touch… And words were not needed… There was simply so much love expressed in each simple touch.

So, when Bruce died, those loving caresses were gone… Our time spent silently saying “I love you” was over… I was (and still am) devastated.

It didn’t take long for loneliness to slip into my psyche. I wasn’t alone. Besides, being alone isn’t always loneliness… I just couldn’t figure out where I fit in, and the lack of those loving touches drained my “love bank” quite quickly, which left me feeling unloved, as well. So there I was – not belonging and unloved… that is where my grief settled in.

More than likely, there are several of you thinking that there was a simple fix for this – just ask for what you need… I know… I did.

Thankfully, the people around me who knew me best were very generous with their hugs. (Honestly, without those people, I don’t know where I would be today.) Even my co-workers were willing to give me a big, old hug most mornings… Then suddenly, it was 2020 and Covid hit. Seemingly overnight, we were all isolated. My hugs were greatly reduced… and I struggled.

Now, those days seem to be behind us… We are, once again, able to get out and be a community again. However, we spent so long in isolation, it seems that there are some changes from those days that appear to be a permanent part of our existence.

For example, we now tend to interact less and keep a certain distance – both physically and emotionally. I get it… Covid is still around and many of us don’t want to be sick. Also, I believe that after so many years of distancing, shaking hands or hugging now feels awkward… And not just with strangers or acquaintances, but with anyone we don’t live with or see on a day-to-day basis.

Shoot, even I find myself hanging back. As much as I might crave a hug or some kind of human touch, I have become acclimated to a world where this is no longer as socially acceptable as before.

So, while I (rationally) know I am loved, feeling it is another story… And when you don’t feel loved, you don’t feel like you belong. Yes, I know these are just emotions – not reality, but that doesn’t make it any easier.

Thankfully, I have fabulous people in my life… People who have recognized this and reach out consistently. In turn, I am also pushing myself past my comfort zone, and getting involved in my community. These steps have become important for me… Steps I am taking to broaden that line… that line that appeared when Bruce died… that thin line between love and loneliness…

* If you have never read The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman, I would highly recommend it.
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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. Learning to function on this new path is hard. I don’t think any of us chose to be here, but this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined. Each time I think I have it all figured out; I find I don’t at all, despite the years since Bruce passed. Life is filled with challenges for all of us. For me, my goal is to look at this year before me and (intentionally) hold onto the joy and the hope life holds.
Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Missing: Human Touch

Are you there?

Are you there?
Are you listening? Did you see me cry?
Have you felt my tears? My pain?

Are you there?
Are you holding me when I cry? When I am scared?
When I don’t want to take the next step?

Are you there?
Are you beside me as I lay sleeping? As I walk on the beach?
When I call your name in the dark?
You said you’d never leave me… So,
Are you there?

~ Linda, October 7, 2013

Perhaps you have heard of Gary Chapman’s book, The Five Love Languages. It’s an interesting look at relationships. According to Mr. Chapman, there are five basic ways that we can feel loved. He calls these “love languages”, and they are time, touch, words of affirmation, gifts and acts of service.

The basic idea is that, as individuals, we feel loved when our significant other uses our “love language.” In turn, we naturally tend to show love in our own “love language.” Sometimes couples will share the same love language. However, if you and your mate do not share the same love language, then you will both need to adjust how you show love in order to meet each person’s emotional needs within the relationship. (Keep in mind, this comes from a book. Obviously there is a lot more to it, but that is the basic idea.)

Bruce and I were blessed. We shared the same primary love language – touch.
We could sit for hours just holding hands or snuggling. We didn’t need to talk or even have the TV on… We were just content to be together. In the car, he always had one hand on the steering wheel and the other either holding mine or resting on my thigh. Even after 8 years, we would fall asleep in other’s arms and somehow end up back there again in the morning. We never walked by each other without reaching out and touching as we passed. Even if he was reclining in his chair, he would chuckle whenever I reached out and touched his toes while passing by.

If we were angry or upset with each other, it didn’t matter – the touching never stopped… because the love didn’t stop. It was just a natural extension of who we were as a couple – no matter the emotional current of the moment.

At the time, it seemed like such a small thing – touch. It didn’t cost anything. It wasn’t hard to do… It didn’t seem like anything huge or extraordinary. It was a small gesture that was as natural to both of us as breathing…

But now it is gone.

It may sound odd, but it is one of the things I miss most… probably because it was what made me feel loved and whole. But since Bruce has been gone, life is very different… Human touch has become a rare commodity in my world.

I try to get my “fixes” when I can. For example, when I am with my kids or family, I hang on… hugging, snuggling and holding hands… and (luckily) they don’t seem to mind. The problem? Like most of today’s society, we don’t live anywhere near each other, so our visits are spread out.

I, also, have wonderful friends who are willing to give this girl a hug whenever I ask for one. In the beginning, I asked a lot… I didn’t hesitate. I would ask several times a day, in fact. As a new widow, it seemed “normal” enough. I don’t think anyone thought too much about it. But as time has passed, I have learned to tone it down. After all, it’s a little strange for a grown, adult woman to walk around gathering hugs like a squirrel gathers acorns.

In the past, I always either lived near family or had children at home. Now, however, I live alone in a city without any family nearby. Now, I may go days or even weeks without any human touch. This is a weird experience for me… There has been so much adjustment and change since Bruce died, but this one seems to be the hardest… This one seems to have the greatest affect on my life. It just seems to trickle into every corner of my world… Probably because it is my love language.

Other than asking for hugs when I need them, I don’t know that there is a real “fix” for this one… just a major adjustment in my thought processes. But for those who still have their loved ones by their side, there is something I want to share…

The night Bruce died was like any other… neither of us knew what lay ahead in the next few hours. We went to bed laughing and held each other as we slept. A few, short hours later, I held him in my arms as he drew his last breath… even then, we were still touching…

So, don’t waste one precious moment… use every opportunity to fill each other up with love now (whatever the language)… both of you will not be here forever. You never know which moment will be the last spent together.

What about you? What is your love language that was lost when your loved one died? How have you filled that gap? Because this is our community, please feel free to share your thoughts and experiences, too. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note.*

Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.