Peace, Love, and Grief… Do I Stay or Do I Go?

When Bruce died, we had only lived in this town for a short time. In fact, I knew exactly four people here, but only well enough to speak if I saw them – not well enough to call them in case of a crisis. At the same time, the closest family member then was my son who lived 6+ hours away. So, when Bruce died, I went to the hospital alone. I came home alone. I called everyone on my own… and I waited… alone.

I remember the waiting… That was a long night.

Honestly, I had great friends at work, and they rushed to my side, but even they were an hour away and it was in the wee hours of the morning. It took some time. The time spent waiting was probably the loneliest and most abandoned I have ever felt. My boss, at that time, was a wonderful woman and the first to arrive, and she stayed with me until a few family members were able to get here.

By the end of the day, despite the amount of travel involved, most of our family were here and I was surrounded with love and support. Of course, though, they couldn’t stay forever, and within a couple of weeks, I was back to being alone.

At the time, in my quest to figure out how to manage this new path I was on, I read a lot about people who move almost right away after losing a spouse… usually to move in with or be closer to family. However, everything I read said not to make any major decisions for at least one year… to wait… give yourself time to think clearly and make better rational choices vs emotionally packed ones. As for me, there wasn’t a lot to consider. My job was here. Our home that we had shared was here. I couldn’t even begin to imagine leaving.

God works in funny ways, though, and within a few years, three of my four children had moved to Florida. For the last several years, they have all been within 45 minutes – 2 hours from me, so we see each other all the time. It has been a blessing I never thought would happen and absolutely relish each and every moment we have together.

So… Life moves on (as it should), and things change (as they should), and now I find myself wondering if I should consider moving closer to them. Sitting through the last hurricane alone was a little scary, and is actually what really got me thinking about it. I know we aren’t that far apart now, but how wonderful would it be to able to meet up for breakfast before work, or have a weekly family dinner (mid-week), or to be more involved in my grandson’s day-to-day world?

So that is my quandary… and I don’t know what to do… Overall, yes… it would be a positive move for me, and more than likely a good investment. At the same time, it means leaving our space… our home. For years, I have known in my heart that Bruce picked this house and space and did a little extra work to make it a safe place for me. I will always be convinced that he knew he wouldn’t always be here, and eventually, I would be alone. Our neighborhood is gated; he reinforced the windows and doors to make them more secure; and he added a security system. (All things he had never done in our previous home.)

But… to be closer to the kids means I have someone to call when I have an emergency or need a hand with something (like hurricanes or illness). Being closer to the kids means, as I get older and time is more precious, I am spending more time with the people I care most about. Also, since I tend to keep to myself and still only know about four people in town, I am alone most of the time… Being closer to my kids, though, means that would likely change (at least a little bit).

But… I still feel Bruce here… I am sure it has more to do with my heart than the floors and walls. However, I can’t help but wonder if that feeling will follow me to a new space? Will I still feel him, or will it feel like I am letting go and losing him all over again? I don’t think I could bear that… I don’t think I could survive that.

Granted, there is a certain amount of privacy that comes from having some distance between us, but I’m not sure that is always a good thing. Lately, since I work virtually, I find myself wondering how much of this loneliness is simply about hiding from the rest of the world. I mean, I go out with friends from work, and I absolutely see my kids at least once a week. However on a day-to-day basis, I have to make a conscious decision to leave the house… To get out in the world and simply smile and say “Hi” to people. Sometimes, I think it would be way too easy for me to just hide in here, and that is not good at all.

At the same time, other than this space, I really have nothing to keep me here, and I am torn.

So… what about y’all? For all the widows and widowers… I know we all have to make our own choices, and we all have our own reasons for those choices…. But what did you do? What were your reasons? I am interested… I know I want to make a solid decision, but I am really struggling…
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All of us on this journey know that it isn’t easy. Loss can be traumatic, and the grief and life we are left to figure out is hard. Healing takes time… There is a lot of trial and error and moves at its own pace. Thankfully, though, there are moments and actions we can take to refresh our souls and guard our joy. There are also challenges where we learn that we are stronger than we think we are… Both of these provide moments where I learn a little bit more about faith, life, and love.

Thankfully, as the years pass, I can honestly say that there are more of good moments than bad. Each day, I continue to learn more and more about those things that seem to help me heal and move forward – like sharing precious memories. So, I will continue to allow myself the space I need to heal and process this life without my love… without Bruce. Thankfully, at this point in my journey, I am learning that I am not alone – thanks to you!

In fact, none of us need to be alone, because we have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing and helps us to process that avalanche of emotions that grief brings us. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

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