“Trauma creates change you don’t choose.
Healing is about creating change you do choose.“
~ Michelle Rosenthall
Thanksgiving is one of those holidays that in my mind is a “family” holiday. It has always been a holiday where family comes together and the day is centered on playing, the sharing of stories, laughter and love. As a child, my family always spent the day at one of my grandparents’ homes. I loved playing with my cousins and listening to the grown-ups talk.
In my first marriage, we lived too far away from either of our families, so the day was spent with friends and strangers who would have otherwise spent the day alone. Everyone pitched in and the day was spent sharing what we had… food, stories and friendships.
When Bruce and I were married, I loved Thanksgiving! Because we were in Michigan, we usually spent the day with his family… until we moved to Florida. However even then, we always managed to have someone in the family with us for Thanksgiving… even if only for a few hours.
However, when Bruce died everything changed…
The first year I couldn’t bring myself to celebrate anything. I didn’t feel thankful. I was still hurting too much. The idea of celebrating a “family” holiday, when the person I love was gone was more than I could handle. I wasn’t interested… Just the mere idea of the day hurt.
So instead, I ignored the holiday completely. I spent the day at a theme park with my youngest daughter and her friend. Most of the day is a blur… But it created the distraction I needed, while still allowing me to spend time with someone I love.
The next year, I was still hurting but there were things I was thankful for… especially my family. It felt right to celebrate the day again. This was the year I spent most holidays with my second daughter and grandson’s family. The effect of that little Bubba on my healing was (and is) amazing.
Last year, the third year, I traveled to merry old England to spend the holiday with my oldest daughter and her husband. A first it seemed so odd to celebrate Thanksgiving in a country that does not share this holiday. Yet, it soon became fun as everyone else seemed eager to pitch in… They were so curious and more than happy to help us find all the “traditional foods” we needed for our feast.
This year was different… It was my fourth Thanksgiving without Bruce, yet it was most like the first. That probably seems a little strange since now I have a home once again filled with love and people. However, this was my daughter’s first year without her son (my grandson). He had left the weekend before to spend the holiday with his father. This was a first for all of us. It felt strange and wrong… There was definite grieving for a family (and a tradition) gone.
While we knew we could have still had a “traditional” meal, we both felt the day would have been too empty without our little Bubba. So, we left as well, and spent the holiday at the beach… Instead of turkey and stuffing, we feasted on meat, cheese, bread and wine. Instead of a room filled with family, there were two of us…
There were tears and a bit of sadness… I missed Bruce… and I missed having that little guy to make me smile… to give us hugs and tell us that he loves our little family. However, all was not lost… There was also relaxation, great conversation, laughter… and the knowledge that we would be a family again in just a few short days.
That day was yesterday. How happy we were (and are) to be together again… Things feel right today with this little Bubba filling the house with his endless love. In fact, the only thing still missing is Bruce…
This year was my fourth Thanksgiving without him… my love, my Bruce. I would love to be able to say that it has gotten easier through the years, but that would be a lie. It is still just as hard. I still miss him… I still cry and grieve for him… The only difference seems to be the tools I have learned to help me through this grief…
And many of those tools I learned from my littlest Bubba – His innocent love of life reminds me that life goes on… And it is up to me to find those things worth celebrating.
What about you? Did you or have you struggled with celebrating the holidays after your loss? How did you come to terms with it? Or do you still need support in that area? Would you be willing to share your story or your thoughts?
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