Peace, Love and Grief… Still Trying to Figure It Out

I can’t believe you are no longer here…
… No longer looking at the same blue sky.
… No longer smelling the fresh air of morning.
… No longer feeling the sand under your feet.
… No longer looking at the same moon
or smelling the salt air
or hearing the whisper of the wind.
… No longer able to share experiences.
No longer a part of this world…
No longer a part of MY world…
I wonder if this will ever feel normal…
~ Linda, April 2017

I have spent so much time this week wondering if I will ever get used to this whole grief/loss/widow thing… It’s weird…

I will have days, even weeks, where I feel like I am doing okay – good, even. Then something happens – something I would have been excited to share with Bruce. It can be something big, like a bonus or promotion at work, or it can be something as simple as a quiet moment on the porch watching the sun set.

In the first few seconds, I find myself thinking, “Oh my gosh, Babe, you’re not going to believe this…” Then, just as quickly, I remember where my life is and where he is… or isn’t. He isn’t here… and I want to cry all over again.

This week, though, I found myself wondering how long will this go on? Will I ever get used to this? Will life ever feel “normal” again? And for goodness sake, why can’t I just let go?

I’m not sure there’s an answer to those questions, but I figured out a few things that I believe hold true for me…

While listening to a speaker this week (I can’t remember his name), he quoted the scripture, “Perfect love casts out fear,” and a realization hit me. As I have said, before when I first met Bruce, I was healing from an abusive past. However, his unconditional love and acceptance changed my life. And the best part is, he (and his family) said I changed his world for the better, as well. We both came into the relationship with our scars, but found healing in the love we shared. For us, it really was a perfect love.

When he died, I felt like I lost that… a lot of the old fear, worry and self-doubt returned. I didn’t think I could survive without him… But I have. I still miss him, though… And there are still days when I doubt myself and wish more than anything he were still here… More than anything, I want to feel him hold me and tell me it’s all going to be okay.

I’m not sure if what I’m about to say will make sense, but I will try because I have read about and talked to other widows and heard similar stories and similar frustrations…

Another thing I miss is Bruce’s quiet, gentle soul… He was protective but not aggressive… loving, not controlling… I mention this because since he passed, I have experienced a side of our culture that I would have sworn didn’t really exist… It is hurtful, and it is frustrating… And it involves a few beliefs out there about widows…

(1) We are desperately seeking a new husband. – This is a NO! At least, not me… or most of the widows I have spoken to. I am constantly shocked when people tell me to “move on and find someone new.” (Seriously?!) Give me time… Time to grieve… Time to heal and figure things out… However long it takes. This is not a switch that can be simply flipped on or off. Please just trust me, I’m not saying it will or won’t happen. I’m not saying “never,” but not right now… and there will never be a “hunt” or desperate search.

(2) Widows are desperate for sex. – Can I just say how absolutely insulting this is?!… Not just the thought itself, but the way it plays out. It blows my mind! Maybe it is today’s culture (and maybe I just don’t fit in), but getting random, inappropriate (aka – crude) messages from men (usually married or in a relationship) absolutely infuriates me.

Now, as I try to find my way in this world without Bruce – as I learn to stand firmly on my own two feet – I find myself remembering advice he used to give that I laughed off at the time. He would tell me to be cautious… to be kind and accepting of where people are on their journey, but trust needs to be earned, not just given out freely. Since Bruce died, especially as more time passes (and I experience the two scenarios above over and over), I realize how true those words are… And I miss him even more.

I always told Bruce he was my hero… Those words are so true…. And now, I miss my hero… I miss having him beside me… And I’m not sure that will ever change…

Learning to navigate through this journey is different for everyone… We all move through it at our own pace and in our own way. Perhaps you have had moments like I had this week. If so, would you be willing to share your experience? Perhaps there is someone else out there who needs to hear your story too. If you are someone who needs a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *

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