Peace, Love and Grief… I am So Very Sorry, Las Vegas

I am a firm believer that what you allow into your mind (what you listen to) has a direct effect on your outlook and mood. Therefore, I don’t listen to the news first thing in the morning. My day starts in the wee hours of the morning when I get up to run or work out before the rest of the world starts to stir. But the news is not what I listen to… Those early morning hours are my time… My time for self-improvement – both physically and mentally. I am very particular about what I listen to during this time… It is either some type of spiritual, motivational, behavioral speaker or some type of historical or scientific documentary. In other words, something to make my world or my mind a little bit better… not something to make my world darker or more negative.

I put “it” off as long as I can… I am usually in the car, halfway to work before I finally turn on the news to catch up on the things I know I need to know. So, even though I had been awake for several hours, it was 6:30 AM on Monday morning when I first heard the news… There had been a mass shooting at a country music concert in Las Vegas. They were already predicting it to be the worst mass shooting in US history – even worse than the Pulse shooting here last year.

I was stunned. Even though I don’t know anyone in Las Vegas, it still hit me like a ton of bricks. As I sat there listening to audio tape of the shooting, tears flowed down my cheeks… I couldn’t even begin to comprehend the confusion, panic and pain that must have transpired in those few minutes and throughout the aftermath.

Immediately, my thoughts went to the many families who would be affected by this. So many people grieving… So many people hurting… and no apparent answers to any of their questions.

I can’t imagine that kind of pain…

I have a friend who lost her husband in a boating accident where the person responsible was drunk. I have another friend who lost her son in a motorcycle accident where he was stopped at a stop sign and the responsible party took the turn too wide and killed him. Each of these women has not only had to deal with their grief, they have also had to process the anger that comes from someone taking the life of someone they love way too soon… I can’t imagine it… Thankfully, I didn’t have to add that to my grief, as well.

There was no one to blame for Bruce’s death… When Bruce died, he was in his own bed. We had enjoyed each other’s company the night before, and we were laying in each other’s arms. Suddenly I was wide awake – moving in what felt like a dream… calling 911 and desperately trying to save my husband. And while there are a lot of days when I blame myself for not saving him, there really isn’t anyone to blame.

But… for the people in Las Vegas there is someone to blame. One person made a decision to take the lives of as many people as possible. I can’t comprehend that… There is not one piece of that thought process that makes sense in my head. How in the world does someone have that much hate inside them?? … And how do you grieve when you have to process your own (valid) anger, on top of the pain of loss?

I don’t know… I’ve never been there… But it must be horrendous.

This week there has been a lot of talk about killings, guns, and politics… I’m not going to talk about that here. I know we all come from different experiences which create our individual opinions, and whether I agree or not, I respect each person’s right to their opinion. Besides, that’s not what this blog is about… For these already hurting people, it would be wrong to turn their grief into a political statement here… Based on my own grief experience, I know they all have a long, hard road ahead… For their sake, I wish this had never happened. I wish they didn’t have to bear this pain… And I am sure no one wishes it more than they do.

So many times this week, I have wished Bruce were still here… I need him to hold me and reassure me we will get through this. I need his wisdom and his calming presence to understand how to process the hate that created this tragic situation… It breaks my heart to know that this is something which seems to be more and more common in our world today.

While my grandson has no idea of the events of last Sunday, he is growing up in this world… a world which seems to hate more and more each day. How do I help him to live in this world and not give in to the hate which seems to be so prevalent?

The only thing I know to do is to teach him to love…

Yes, I know there are a lot of people who will laugh and say that is a weak, head-in-the-clouds response. Honestly, I don’t really care what they say… For me, it is the only response which will make a difference.

As a widow, I have spent the last 4+ years feeling more like someone on the outside looking in – observing life and observing people… From this viewpoint, adding hate to hate only seems to increase the hate…. So maybe it’s time to try something else…

I’m not sure I know how, and I’m not saying it is easy. In fact, it goes against everything I feel right now. But, if my response is hate, then I am no better than the man who did this on Sunday or the countless others who have let their hate drive their thoughts and behavior. I don’t want to do that… I don’t want to be that person…

So, maybe… just maybe… It’s time to do something different… Maybe it really is time to bring love to the presence of hate…

Everyone deals with grief and the anger it can create in their own way and in their own time… To the families affected by the shooting in Las Vegas this week, I extend my deepest condolences. I can’t imagine the pain and grief in your hearts.

This blog today is only my thoughts and observations this week as I find myself trying to understand something that can’t be understood, and wishing Bruce were still by my side to help me feel safe… Learning to navigate this journey is different for each of us. It brings us individual challenges and lessons, and through it, we come to realize we are stronger than we thought we were. If any of this feels familiar, we are here, you are not alone. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *

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