Tag: friendships

Peace, Love, and Grief… Friendships

“To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.” ~ Oscar Wilde

I think one of the things I miss the most since Bruce died is our friendship – the companionship and compassion that flowed between us so easily on a daily basis. Even when we didn’t see eye-to-eye, we could still have a conversation. We were still respectful of the other’s opinion while we searched for some common ground to stand on. And how could a true friendship function any differently, right?

Neither of us liked confrontation or conflict. Yet, what true friendship has neither of those? After all, no one expects to agree all the time. We know there are going to be differences… Differences that may challenge us to think a little bit differently. We don’t need to change the other’s mind. It is simply about compassionate listening in order to understand how someone else’s experience shaped and led them to where they are and how they think.

I miss that… a lot!

Especially in today’s world, where it sounds and feels like so many people are sure that their side of a matter is the only right one. What happened to having those difficult, respectful conversations in order to find some common ground and ultimately, some peace… Something that allows us to gain some understanding and keep the relationship intact.

Bruce and I didn’t agree on everything. How could we? We grew up so differently. In fact, at the time we met, I was a parochial schoolteacher in the deep south, and he was a union truck driver in the upper mid-west. I don’t know that you could have found two people more different. And yet, our friendship was one of the most open, transparent relationships I have ever known.

I was raised in a very religious, strict home where men were what mattered… Women and children were somehow “less than”. I can’t tell you how many times I have heard the story of how my father was so disappointed that I was a girl. According to the story, he told my mother to name me whatever she wanted; he didn’t really care; just make it easy to spell. So, as a female child, I grew up knowing without a doubt that I was “less than”, and that shaped my world.

That lack of self-value followed me into adulthood, until I met Bruce. Suddenly, here was this man who didn’t just use words, but demonstrated through his actions that I have value. I was not “less than.” He taught me to believe in myself as a woman. To give you an idea, when we were married, I wanted to keep my maiden name. It was me… It was who I am… who I had been for decades. My choice didn’t phase him in the least. In fact, he was quite supportive no matter how often it was questioned by others.

I also remember another time when we were first married and working different shifts. At some point, someone made a comment about how after so many years of bachelorhood, Bruce must be enjoying having someone to cook, clean, and pack his lunches. He looked at me and just started laughing. I was absolutely incensed! Seriously?? I could see the support (and amusement) in his eyes. Knowing I had that, I jumped in and simply said, “I don’t.” Bruce, however, was better than me and simply said that we both worked hard… as a team.

I really miss that… having someone to validate me as a person, and not limit me or confine me to such a narrow purpose.

Don’t get me wrong. I have friends… great friends, in fact. I just miss his friendship especially, because of what an impact it had on my life and my own self-worth. So, this morning, when my journal prompt was, “The journey of life is a long one, and the only person guaranteed to be with you on this journey is yourself. What kind of friend do you want to be for yourself,”* I lost it. I just sat there, staring at the page, crying for quite some time, as the truth of it hit me deep in my core.

I have spent so much time over the years lamenting friends who let me down or walk away when we disagree that I seemed to have forgotten something… How can I expect from others, what I am not willing (or able) to give myself? I am well aware that our actions demonstrate to others how we will allow them to treat us. So the question becomes “what am I saying to myself about myself?”

Bruce believed in me – as a woman, as his wife, and as his friend. Shouldn’t I, as well? Bruce demonstrated his love and desire for a deep, committed relationship based in our friendship. Yet somehow, I have forgotten how to do that within myself.

Which leads me to my new goal on this journey… Deciding what kind of friend I want to be for myself. I am not trying to sound selfish or crazy. (I think there might be a fine line here.) However, we all need to be at least as kind to ourselves as we are to others… I need to follow Bruce’s example and remember to speak kindly to myself… to show compassion when I feel anxious or make mistakes… and to be loving, kind, and respectful of me.

That feels so weird… So different than how I was raised to think. Yet, it may be one of the most important lessons I can learn on this journey.

* Switch Self-Love Journal, Day 76

I say it all the time… Loss is hard, and the grief we are left to figure out is even harder. But this is a journey where I am continuously learning about life, faith, and love. There have been some great life lessons on this journey, but I hate that losing Bruce is how I got here. After all, I didn’t ask to be here… I didn’t ask for any of this. As the years pass, I can honestly say that there are more good days than bad as I learn those things that seem to bring me a little bit of healing each day. Through it all, though, I still find myself wishing for a world where Bruce is here beside me. So, I will continue to allow myself the space I need to heal and process this life without him. Thankfully, at this point in my journey, I am learning that I am not alone – thanks to you!

In fact, none of us need to be alone, because we have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing and helps us to process that avalanche of emotions that grief brings us. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

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Peace, Love and Grief… Sympathy, Empathy, or None of the Above

It’s been about a year since we started homeschooling my grandson. Every 4 – 6 weeks we pick up a new “life skill” to embrace. We have learned about all kinds of things – etiquette, nutrition, organization, conversation skills, etc. This week, we moved into the realm of “empathy and kindness to others.” One morning this week, we were watching a video from Brene Brown, (the queen of empathy in my book).

The point of the video was to explain the difference in sympathy and empathy. To do so, it showed a fox falling into a pit. When his bear friend saw him there, he immediately climbed down into the pit with him. He knew he couldn’t fix the situation but understood that just being there… just climbing into the pit with the fox was the one thing he could offer. The mere act of sitting with the fox in his time of trouble was the bear’s way of showing he understood, he cared, and he was there.

After a while, a gazelle happened by and peered into the pit. “Oh my,” she exclaimed, “How terrible!” Then she went on acting as if all was normal – making small talk and offering to make a sandwich.

After watching this, my grandson asked, “So empathy is good, but sympathy is bad?”

“No,” I responded. “It is just a different way of responding.” Then I went on to explain…

It is different levels of commitment to the person hurting. Empathy is when we truly understand the other person’s pain. Maybe we have been there before. Either way, it is when we care so much that we can feel the depth of their pain and hurt. We can’t fix their pain, but we are willing to simply be there… to sit with them and hold their hand for as long as they need.

Sympathy is when we understand the other person is hurting, but maybe we don’t truly understand how bad the pain is or we aren’t close enough to the other person to truly feel their pain… Sympathy is still a kindness, it just doesn’t have the same depth of commitment.

This, then, led me to think of my own friendships… And how traumatic events have a way of separating our friends into those who are filled with empathy, those who offer sympathy, or those who just can’t deal with it at all and choose “none of the above” as they walk away from the relationship entirely.

Like most adults, I have been through several traumatic events in this lifetime. Each time I have had the same experience…

There have been friends who couldn’t handle it. For one reason of another (I will probably never know what those reasons were), they chose “None of the above.” For one reason or another, they simply excused themselves from caring, and moved on. However, for me, it felt like they simply made the choice to walk away.

Each time though, there have been other people who readily showed they cared. They were able to offer a hug or some nice words of comfort. There were times when they tried to offer well-meaning advice. (Although, generally speaking, they weren’t really around enough for that.) These were usually people who were in “my circle” but not my BFF’s. The fact that they cared meant a lot to me, and I appreciated their kindness and heartfelt sympathies.

Then, finally, there have been the people who were willing to climb down into the pit with me. These are the people who never tried to fix things… or me. They simply offered me the solace of their companionship. They have sat with me as I cried or hugged me in my darkest moments… And despite how hard it has been, they seem to always understand and are always there for me.

The craziest thing about this particular group… the thing that has surprised me the most every time is this… With the exception of my sister and one or two other people, this group is usually formed by people outside my closest relationships… These are people I may not have been particularly close to before the trauma. Yet, they are the people who understood the intensity of the pain and stepped in to help me bear it.

Of all the traumatic events I have experienced, I think losing Bruce has been the hardest. It has been over eight years, and I am still grieving. (Even as I write this, the tears are filling my eyes.) Even though I had experienced the different reactions of people before, I was (and still am) surprised by the people who have chosen to walk away… People I thought would be there for me come what may.

At the same time, though, I have also been just as shocked by the people who have stepped into my life… People who have held my hands as I worked my way through mountains of paperwork, and people who have sat with me and simply held me as I cried. These people – the ones who have blessed me with their unending empathy – are my heroes. I don’t know that I would have survived any crisis, especially the loss of Bruce, without these loving souls by my side.

So… To those who needed to walk away, that’s okay. We can only do what we are able to do in any given moment. To those who offered me your sympathy, thank you. Your caring words of comfort still fill my heart, and I appreciate your kindness.

And to those who have given me your empathy… In Barbara Brown Taylor’s book, Learning to Walk in the Dark, she says, “After years of being taught that the way to deal with painful emotions is to get rid of them, it can take a lot of reschooling to learn to sit with them instead.” This is what you have done for me… You helped me learn to sit with my grief. For this, I owe you my life, because I couldn’t have survived these past eight years without you… From the depths of my soul, Thank You!

Those of us on this journey know that grief is challenging. We know what it is like to watch friends walk away or for strangers to step up. Sometimes we may feel like this journey is nothing but a very lonely path, especially since it is so different for each of us. However, our love for those we have lost is something we all share. I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

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This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.