It’s been about a year since we started homeschooling my grandson. Every 4 – 6 weeks we pick up a new “life skill” to embrace. We have learned about all kinds of things – etiquette, nutrition, organization, conversation skills, etc. This week, we moved into the realm of “empathy and kindness to others.” One morning this week, we were watching a video from Brene Brown, (the queen of empathy in my book).
The point of the video was to explain the difference in sympathy and empathy. To do so, it showed a fox falling into a pit. When his bear friend saw him there, he immediately climbed down into the pit with him. He knew he couldn’t fix the situation but understood that just being there… just climbing into the pit with the fox was the one thing he could offer. The mere act of sitting with the fox in his time of trouble was the bear’s way of showing he understood, he cared, and he was there.
After a while, a gazelle happened by and peered into the pit. “Oh my,” she exclaimed, “How terrible!” Then she went on acting as if all was normal – making small talk and offering to make a sandwich.
After watching this, my grandson asked, “So empathy is good, but sympathy is bad?”
“No,” I responded. “It is just a different way of responding.” Then I went on to explain…
It is different levels of commitment to the person hurting. Empathy is when we truly understand the other person’s pain. Maybe we have been there before. Either way, it is when we care so much that we can feel the depth of their pain and hurt. We can’t fix their pain, but we are willing to simply be there… to sit with them and hold their hand for as long as they need.
Sympathy is when we understand the other person is hurting, but maybe we don’t truly understand how bad the pain is or we aren’t close enough to the other person to truly feel their pain… Sympathy is still a kindness, it just doesn’t have the same depth of commitment.
This, then, led me to think of my own friendships… And how traumatic events have a way of separating our friends into those who are filled with empathy, those who offer sympathy, or those who just can’t deal with it at all and choose “none of the above” as they walk away from the relationship entirely.
Like most adults, I have been through several traumatic events in this lifetime. Each time I have had the same experience…
There have been friends who couldn’t handle it. For one reason of another (I will probably never know what those reasons were), they chose “None of the above.” For one reason or another, they simply excused themselves from caring, and moved on. However, for me, it felt like they simply made the choice to walk away.
Each time though, there have been other people who readily showed they cared. They were able to offer a hug or some nice words of comfort. There were times when they tried to offer well-meaning advice. (Although, generally speaking, they weren’t really around enough for that.) These were usually people who were in “my circle” but not my BFF’s. The fact that they cared meant a lot to me, and I appreciated their kindness and heartfelt sympathies.
Then, finally, there have been the people who were willing to climb down into the pit with me. These are the people who never tried to fix things… or me. They simply offered me the solace of their companionship. They have sat with me as I cried or hugged me in my darkest moments… And despite how hard it has been, they seem to always understand and are always there for me.
The craziest thing about this particular group… the thing that has surprised me the most every time is this… With the exception of my sister and one or two other people, this group is usually formed by people outside my closest relationships… These are people I may not have been particularly close to before the trauma. Yet, they are the people who understood the intensity of the pain and stepped in to help me bear it.
Of all the traumatic events I have experienced, I think losing Bruce has been the hardest. It has been over eight years, and I am still grieving. (Even as I write this, the tears are filling my eyes.) Even though I had experienced the different reactions of people before, I was (and still am) surprised by the people who have chosen to walk away… People I thought would be there for me come what may.
At the same time, though, I have also been just as shocked by the people who have stepped into my life… People who have held my hands as I worked my way through mountains of paperwork, and people who have sat with me and simply held me as I cried. These people – the ones who have blessed me with their unending empathy – are my heroes. I don’t know that I would have survived any crisis, especially the loss of Bruce, without these loving souls by my side.
So… To those who needed to walk away, that’s okay. We can only do what we are able to do in any given moment. To those who offered me your sympathy, thank you. Your caring words of comfort still fill my heart, and I appreciate your kindness.
And to those who have given me your empathy… In Barbara Brown Taylor’s book, Learning to Walk in the Dark, she says, “After years of being taught that the way to deal with painful emotions is to get rid of them, it can take a lot of reschooling to learn to sit with them instead.” This is what you have done for me… You helped me learn to sit with my grief. For this, I owe you my life, because I couldn’t have survived these past eight years without you… From the depths of my soul, Thank You!
Those of us on this journey know that grief is challenging. We know what it is like to watch friends walk away or for strangers to step up. Sometimes we may feel like this journey is nothing but a very lonely path, especially since it is so different for each of us. However, our love for those we have lost is something we all share. I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.
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