Tag: heart broken

Peace, Love, and Grief – A Huge Loss

Well, August has been quite the month. I’m not just referring to the loss of several, amazing performers. I am also talking about personal loss. A few weeks ago, I wrote about the loss of my cousin. Then, late last weekend, my father-in-law, Bruce’s Dad passed away… My hurt is so heavy at his loss.

I know I always talk about Bruce being my hero and what an amazing man he was. Well, he didn’t learn to be that man all by himself. Bruce’s Dad was the same way… He gave love easily, and he was easy to love.

We knew on Saturday that it was just a matter of “when”. He was in the care of hospice and those who lived close by had the opportunity to say their “good-bye’s”. For myself and my kids, we got together here at my house to share stories, hugs, tears, and to say good-bye to this wonderful man.

You see, he wasn’t just my father-in-law from a second marriage. From day one, he made it clear that he was my Dad too… And my kids? He loved them like all the rest of his grandchildren. So, we were all devastated by the news.

We ended up doing a little something out at the beach, (of course). We decorated a box with his name and a quote that seemed like it was written just for this wonderful man…

“There are some who bring a light so great to the world that even after they have gone the light remains.” ~ Unknown

We filled that box with flowers, incense, and letters that we each wrote to him. Then, we read some poems, a prayer, and gave a toast to a life lived well and a man who was an angel while he walked this earth.

At this point, everyone has gone home, but my heart is still hurting. There is so much I want to say, but my thoughts seem to be in a jumble so I don’t quite know where to start. I just know that I am absolutely heart broken. That being said, if you don’t mind, I’d like to share my letter to him, in an effort to bring him to life to you too… I want the world to know that this man filled a huge hole in my heart by simply loving me unconditionally from the moment we met.

“Dear Dad,
I am struggling to believe you are truly gone. It almost feels like losing another piece of Bruce from my life. : ( I will always remember the first time I met you… I walked through your door and you immediately wrapped me into the biggest hug ever. Then you immediately told me that you loved me. You said that anyone who could put Bruce’s smile back on his face was someone you loved already – no questions asked. Then, you grabbed my left hand to look for a ring and asked Bruce where it was and what he was waiting for. I was horrified, but Bruce just laughed. Several times a day throughout that visit, you would randomly grab my hand, wave it in Bruce’s face, and tell him to “hurry up and fix that”. LOL! You were right, though. Just a few months later we were married, and you (officially) became my Dad too… (And a grandfather to my kiddos).

Thank you!! Thank you for loving me and my kids unconditionally. Thank you for great hugs and the best advice. Thank you for being all the things a Dad can be – that was new for me. Thank you for great stories and fun games. Thank you for Bruce – for showing him how to be a wonderful husband, friend, and father.

It brings me peace to know that you two are together again (and probably up to some shenanigans)!

I love you so much and my heart is so broken to know I will never hear you tell another story or laugh or tell me that I am your daughter too, and that you love me. To never fell your hugs or share some tears whenever we said ‘good-bye’ just seems wrong.

I love you, Dad, and that’s forever! XXXOOO”
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Grief is a daily challenge that changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone.

I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.

Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog; for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

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Peace, Love and Grief… Strong… Balanced

“Being strong isn’t necessarily being balanced.” ~ unknown

Whoa… Isn’t that the truth?! Since Bruce died, that has been my struggle… Trying to be strong and balanced. But so much of the time, I’m not sure how to do both. I know I have gotten stronger as time has passed, but I wouldn’t say I’m always balanced… Mainly because I know there are times when my answer to the challenge at hand might be stoic reserve, while other times my answer is tears. Often times, people see the quiet response as strength, and the tears as unbalanced, especially after so many years. Then again, to be vulnerable… to be honest about your emotions, doesn’t that require some strength too? So, which is it? Do I let the world be my compass, or do I go with my gut?

Last week I received some news that left me in tears… absolutely broke my heart. I have cried for days. I don’t understand how people can be so mean (for lack of any other word). All week, as I recall their words, I have cried – sometimes out loud and sometimes just in my heart… I haven’t responded to them or in front of them. What is there to say when someone else has made their point clear? Whether you agree or not, doesn’t really matter. They have said what they want to say. My choice is to argue or acceptance. I have chosen acceptance… Mostly because I learned that from Bruce.

While he would never back down from a conversation – an honest dialogue between two respectful people – people who truly listened to each other and cared. On the other hand, he was never one to waste his breath arguing with someone who wasn’t going to listen… Someone who had made up their mind and already shut the door on any conversation. Once again, his legacy… his person… his absolute being has given me strength and reminds me that my choice comes in my own reaction, and that is where I can find my strength.

Bruce was a quiet man. He always thought things through before he spoke. He made sure that whatever he had to say would make a difference. If not, why bother? Why waste your breath? It just isn’t worth the energy in those situations. When he was here, I didn’t always get it. I mean, I appreciated that he was so rational. But sometimes, I would think, “Just get it out,” “Say what you think,” “Go ahead… Put it out there.” While I hate an argument, sometimes waiting through the silence as he gathered his thoughts seemed worse… But it wasn’t… There was a lot of wisdom born in those moments.

I knew that was just his way… He was always comfortable with his own thoughts. If you really wanted a conversation, he welcomed it. If not, that was not on him, it was on you. I guess, now (seven + years later) I find myself feeling the same.

So back to the strength and balance…

Yes, there are still times when I feel myself being overwhelmed by waves of grief. And while I understand there are some people who are uncomfortable with that, it’s just not my problem… not really. In the years since Bruce’s death, I have gotten better at hiding those emotions, even from the people who are closest to me. I know I am much stronger than I used to be. I can manage those emotions. I can push them down deep inside and keep moving. Does that necessarily mean I am doing better? Am I stronger? Balanced? Honestly, what in the world does that even mean?

To tell you the truth, I have no answer. I do push my emotions down deep much of the time. I can move through life and act like all is well… That my heart was never broken… That my soul is whole. But… deep inside, I know better. And sometimes in the dark of night, I cry.

This week, this thing that happened left me feeling pushed aside… ignored… unwanted. Maybe it’s just me, but I really don’t think so. It’s just a hard situation. It hurts. I hate it. I want to fight it, I want to scream, but that wouldn’t change anything. Instead, I have taken the time to gather my own thoughts. I know that everyone makes their own choices, including me. I’m not angry at anyone… They will do what they do… And I will do what I do… And I will follow Bruce’s lead… Since I know I can’t change it, I just have to let it go. It is what it is.

For the rest of this journey without Bruce, I will have to face situations that are hard… Situations that break my heart. I can only do so much. I am only so strong. But when the day is done, I want to look in the mirror and say, “I am as strong as I can be (at this time). Whether others understand or accept this is on them, not me. I love them, and that is all I can do.” … Then, I have to let it go… And this is the strength that has given me the perspective to find some balance in a situation where I struggled to find either when it first happened.

Learning to navigate through this journey is different for everyone… We all move through it at our own pace and in our own way… What one person sees as strength; another may see as weakness. Where one person finds balance, another may struggle to gain any equilibrium at all. We are all different, and just doing the best we can in a world that can feel overwhelming at times. What about you? Have you managed to find strength and balance? Is it better some days than others? Do things happen that push you to the limits of your strength? Would you like to share your story or ask a question? Do you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug? Let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.