Another quiet Sunday at the beach thinking of Bruce… missing Bruce to be more precise. I am so frustrated this morning. There just seems to be such a lack of compassion and warmth in the world lately. I see it here in this town, but from the news and things I hear from my friends, I think it is an “everywhere” phenomenon.
Bruce and I moved here six years ago. Even then, there weren’t very many people who talked to us, even at church. I remember the fall before he passed, I finally gave up finding a “church home.” I had tried church after church for two years, but there was no place I felt welcome.
I can remember times when no one would shake my hand for the sign of peace. However, the worst day was when I heard a message from the pulpit filled with judgement and anger… But you can’t learn to love others when you “fill up” on judgment and anger… That was it for me… I gave up… I came home in tears and fell into Bruce’s arms.
I remember crying for days (to the point of giving myself a black eye). While I felt hopeless at the time, it ended up being a good thing, because that was the start of my own spiritual journey. This is what brought me to the point of knowing I needed to find my own faith – not one based on someone else’s experience, but a faith based on my own journey.
When Bruce died two months later, I was so angry with God. I felt so utterly alone. He was gone and (for the first time in my life) I had no church family to lean on either… Why did God hate me so? I have to admit, I had a few “choice” words for God, and for months I let him (or her) know… I was hurting. I was angry… And I was so very alone.
There were so many things about “us” that I missed… There were the practical things like the way he handled our finances, the taxes, home and car repairs and how he took on as many of the household chores as I did – We were a team. I missed the fun stuff, too – time at the beach, vacations, cooking together and dancing in the kitchen. I also missed the quiet moments spent snuggling or just holding hands, laying in his arms as we slept and making love.
But I think one of the things I missed most of all was the underlying emotion in all of these…the feeling that Bruce didn’t just love me… He valued me. No matter what we were doing (or not doing), he always made me feel that I was enough. I didn’t need to be anything different, nor did I need to be more of something. I was enough just like I was!
That was such an amazing feeling – to know that I had value just as I was… But then he was gone , and all too quickly, the world around me started telling me I wasn’t enough… I needed to change this or do that. It didn’t take long until I was left feeling like I wasn’t enough… like I no longer had any value.
Why am I telling you this? What is my point?
Because this was the point where I really had to start digging deep… searching for what I really believed about my faith… and me. And what I found was they were both intertwined.
It started by me wanting to understand what made Bruce the person he was… so rooted in love, confidence in himself and acceptance of the world around him. To me, he had been the best example of what Jesus must have been like. Funny though, church was not his thing. I mean, he would if I asked him, but it was not the space where he felt close to or connected with God.
So, I started listening to the people he had listened to and reading the books he read. I started weighing and measuring and evaluating everything I thought I believed… And before too long (Okay – maybe it was actually a year or two), I started making a shift… a real change in direction. Two of the biggest changes came in the realization that:
1. “If it isn’t about love, it isn’t about God” ~ Susan Russell
This simple statement “allowed” me to let go of so much anger. I came to understand that just because a person uses religion, or holy text or even “God” to justify a non-loving action, that doesn’t make it right. I learned to look past the words (especially the ones designed to create guilt or fear), and instead I learned to focus on whether there was love and/or compassion in the action. If not, I’m no longer interested in being a part of it… Now, I can walk away without a second thought or glance behind.
2. “A person doesn’t know they have value unless someone shows them they are valued.” ~ Greg Boyle
This is where I was… And this is where I hope I can make a difference. For me, the simplicity of the word “namaste” is one the best ways I know to live this – “The divine in me recognizes the divine in you.” I believe when I apply this thought process to whomever I encounter (my family, co-workers, strangers I pass, the homeless and the other widows/widowers who have also been left alone), I can make a difference. All of us need to know we are enough… All of us need to know we have value, and all of us need to know someone else recognizes that, as well.
That is what Bruce did, and that is the legacy he left behind… And I know it is a legacy filled with God, because it is a legacy filled with love….
Learning to navigate through this journey is different for everyone… We all move through it at our own pace and in our own way… and we each have our own lessons we must learn. Have you ever found yourself wondering what happened to loving and showing compassion to our fellow man? Have you ever doubted your own value in this world? If so, would you be willing to share your experience, there may be someone else out there who needs to hear it. If you are someone who needs a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *
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